Do I need a backup birth partner?

[JustAnotherUserinParadise]

Hi All, just looking for some opinions!
I'm due my first baby on the 18th feb, so currently 33+5 weeks pregnant.
Plan A is of course to have my husband with me, but I think the rules are that if he gets covid, he won't be allowed in with me (maternity unit attached to hospital).

So do I need a plan B?? I was thinking of asking my mum - she'd be happy to do it, she's a nurse and has had 3 children, but she lives a 4 hr drive away so not sure of the logistics... We don't want her staying for weeks before the due date really!

The ideal is obviously to have DH, and just be super careful (have booked a couple of online shops for the next few weeks)...

Any thoughts? Anyone else planned for this?

If he has covid then you will need to assume you have too, consider carefully who to ask

Good point! At the moment neither of us has of course.
my mum would probably still be alright to come - she's 59, healthy, and not too worried about covid.

I have a backup planned just incase (recommended by my NCT course lead, I hadn't even considered it beforehand ).

Fingers crossed they're not needed!

Good luck with the last few weeks of pregnancy

Just had my 34 week appt. Today and MW said to have a back up. Wasn't expecting it and it really shook me up to think DH might not be able to be there. She also recommended both of us to fully isolate for at least 10 days before due date if we can so there is a chance of being clear. Said it is spreading like wildfire and they have 20 MW off isolating at the moment so are really stretched. Didn't exactly put my mind at ease like I'd hoped!!!

It is a worry.. I’ve got a back up planned just in case. Even started stressing about whether I need a second back up (unlikely).

I think it's always good to have a back up even in non-covid times, with my first daughter it would have been my mum incase anything happened to DH that meant he couldn't make it, I know I could call on her when I need her this time too :)

Thats true, just didn't enter my head that DH might not be there! Thankful to have mum nearby, not sure if she's ready to see me in that state tho!!!

I am due the week after you, I’ve decided against a backup birthing partner, my mum is also a nurse with 3 children but I couldn’t think of anything worse than having her flap in the corner (she would despite spending 45+ years as a nurse!!) I love her dearly, but no. My parents and sister live 5 minutes away but I’d still not want them there, personal choice, it’s my husband or no one!

The latest lockdown has helped us as my husband is a teacher and is now home based, there’s been so many cases in his school it felt like a matter of time before he got it and knowing our luck it’d been that week! I’d made peace with going it alone in the event of him getting it.

You could have a long labour anyway, my first and second baby I knew I was in labour for 12 hours before I went to hospital. If it’s your first the chances are it’ll take a while to get going so your mum might have time to get there if you did want your mum as plan B.

@TisTheSeasonToEatLots I don't think my mum would flap but she can be quite forceful with her ideas and I think would have a certain idea of what I should be doing etc, whereas my DH and I have been doing hypnobirthing! So I don't really trust her to let me lead things IYSWIM!

@JemimaTiggywinkle I did wonder if I needed a second (more local!) backup actually... then wondered if I was straying into crazy territory! Realistically there's not really anyone local I'd want with me... Most of my friends are male haha... My best friend would do it if I asked her but would probably rather be anywhere else!

Odds are you'll be in labour for a long time before baby arrives, so she would still have time to reach you.

You don't have to have a backup, but if it would ease your mind, line her up. Truthfully I was surprised at how much I really didn't need anyone with me when I had DC1 and sort of wished DH would piss off, but everyone's different!

Ps. Having someone who will stress you out in with you is probably worse than being alone. What you need in a birthing room is someone you absolutely trust, someone who will listen to you, respect your wishes and advocate for you, someone where you feel comforted because they are there. If you would feel stressed imagining having someone there, don't have them. The midwives will get you through it fine if, god forbid, your DH is Covid positive at the time.

haha @Respectabitch I can imagine I might just want to be left alone to "get on with it" myself... All the midwives I've met so far have been absolutely lovely, and I'm sure would be fab in labour.

I've heard that midwives don't stay with you the entire time - just check you periodically and stay for the delivery? If you were there on your own would they stay with you?

@Respectabitch sorry didn't see your second post there - yes that sounds very sensible, and would be a point against my mum... whereas I'm confident that my friend would support what I wanted.

I think it depends a lot on staffing and circumstances plus how close they think you are. If they think you're some hours from delivery but progressing fine I reckon you might get left for short stretches if they were stretched, but otherwise they'd aim to stay with you, I'm fairly sure. There are a few threads on here about delivering alone if you want to search. Technically I haven't actually done it, but practically speaking DH was a complete spare part at both births. All I needed was space to go in the zone and do it myself while feeling safe. (I still had him at the second one, but so he could experience it, not because I needed him .)

I was thinking about this today, though I'm a couple of months behind you. I was thinking I'd actually prefer my dad to my mum, she's lovely but a bit ditzy whereas I feel he'd be very good at advocating for me. But that feels weird!

From reading the info on my hospital's website, it doesn't sound like they actually give you/your partner a test, it just says "if they are showing symptoms or within an isolation period". What's to stop you just lying??? (not advocating this btw, but you can see why people might!)

Also how do they know if you're in established labour if you don't consent to internal exams?

Why wouldn’t you consent to being examined? I’ve no idea how they’d be able to tell otherwise? Maybe they send you home and say come back when you are crowning 🤣

@TisTheSeasonToEatLots there are other ways to tell if you're in active Labour! You can always say if you don't want people looking up your vag! You might be an assault survivor for example.

We are temp checking at the door so would send your DH home if he had a temp. I agree best to be alone if anyone else would stress you out!

@JustAnotherUserinParadise I’m on my third child, what other ways are there? I’m genuinely curious as I’m not sure how you tell how dilated someone is without looking. With my first child I was sent away as I wasn’t in active labour only to return 1 hour later unable to cope, I got some head tilts and “first baby?” when I returned only for them to check and realise I was 7cm. They assumed I wasn’t even in established labour as I’d returned so soon. So how come they couldn’t tell?

@TisTheSeasonToEatLots I'm afraid I'm not the person to ask! But I believe there are other ways!