Not feeling connected to the baby.

[Idk13]

Hi!
I have never been someone who wanted kids. Ever. Seeing/hearing kids around me made me feel annoyed & irritated. Then I met my spouse. Who has always wanted kids. We would talk about it off & on, but I was always on the fence about it. After years of going back & forth, I thought I was finally ready to have a kid. Everyone was in my head about it to (like family members) so I was feeling a little pressured by them as well. But regardless, I thought I was ready. For a year & a half my spouse & I were trying but we always got a negative. I would act sad, but in reality I was relieved a bit & I felt horrible for it. Then one day it worked. Now I'm roughly 20 weeks pregnant, & I wish I wasn't. This pregnancy is kicking my butt & I hate it. It's making me even more depressed than I was before. I have no connection to this baby, at all. I've read another thread on here & someone said "it changes once you hear their heartbeat, it becomes real" but that's not true at all (for me). I heard the heartbeat & it didn't make me feel any different at all. I've seen them in the ultrasound & I still don't feel any different, I even watched their little heart beating on the ultrasound, still nothing. I act like I am, because I don't want to worry my spouse, but I'm really not excited about this at all. I don't know what to do. They are so excited about this & I really want them to have the life they have dreaming of. They said th

I accidentally cut it off to short.
But spouse said they would have been fine either way (either having or not a having a baby) but they've been dreaming of having a baby since they were old enough to know what that meant. I didn't want to take that from them. But now I just don't know what to do.

Hi, I know this comment isn’t helpful but you shouldn’t of had a baby just for someone else’s sake.
But what I will say, is that I didn’t feel connected during my pregnancy at all, DD was unplanned, didn’t necessarily want a baby at the time, and I found out at 6months! DP was overjoyed however.
When she was born and I had my c-section, and I heard her little cry for the first time, I felt that burst of love, it’s indescribable, but..still no connection, until one day when she was about 3months old, she had slept unusually long and I had woke up in a panic, I thought she had died (sounds a bit dramatic) I was hysterical. I picked her up and she did a big stretch, and this wave of pure joy came over me. And since that day I’ve never felt more connected to anyone, and she can’t even talk yet!
What I’m trying to say is, most women don’t feel that during pregnancy, even at birth, for some it comes later.
Try not to think about it, maybe when they’re born you will! It’s very rare for a mother to not actually love of feel connected to her baby, it’s biology!
But when they do arrive and you still feel nothing, and you’re having symptoms of PND, please see your GP! And please when what child grows up, don’t resent them, I know it feels to be that child.
Best of luck, I wish you a safe delivery

I would definitely suggest speaking to your midwife about how you're feeling and get some counselling.
How you are feeling is completely valid but talking through it with someone may help you manage your feelings better.

My husband didn't particularly want Kid’s but had them because I'd always wanted them. When I was pregnant with our first, he told me that he worried he may never love our children but he would do his best to never show it and give them the best life.
In all honesty for the first 6 months of DD1s life, he didn't feel anything for her but did look after her amazingly. He said his feelings toward her were neutral.
After 6 months, she started doing more and was laughing and smiling at him and making happy noises when he came in.
He started to bond with her and pretty soon fell in love with her.

We now have 2 children and he is madly in love with them both and they are complete daddy's girls. He still says that sometimes he feels that parenting doesn't come naturally to him but you couldn't tell. He is the most amazing father.

I really hope that you come back in a few months/years with a similar story.

It's going to be ok xx

I'm so glad I read your post. I can understand how you feel. I never wanted kids at all and like you didn't enjoy even being near them. I'm now 29 weeks (was on contraceptives which failed even though I'd been on the same thing for 10 years). After a debate about whether to go ahead with the pregnancy, we decided to go for it as like you, my partner wanted kids and part of me thought I'd regret it if I had an abortion. But there's part if me wishing I had. I don't feel connected at all and have so much anxiety to the point it's genuinely developing into Anxiety Disorder (today I sent a self referral for counselling it's getting that bad). I feel so stressed about it and I opened up slightly to my partner about it but all he said was that it will change when he's born and that I'll be great and that I'll love him, etc. But at the moment that doesn't help me with how I feel. Like you I don't want to tell him everything because I don't want to make him feel bad or take anything away from him as he is so excited.

I unfortunately can't offer any help as I'm struggling to help myself. But I can say you aren't alone and for me, knowing I'm not the only one has helped slightly. Hopefully it helps you too. I honestly hope that my emotions change once he's born and hopefully yours do to xx