Partner hasn’t taken it well!

[Mummyofarainbow]

Hi guys,

This is my first time posting so I don’t really know how or what to say 😬 so I’ll just be straight!

I unfortunately suffered a miscarriage in January of this year and then September. Surprising to me that I have now had another positive test!!

Anyway, my partner did not handle the previous two miscarriages well and when I tried to talk with him, he closed up. I couldn’t decide what was going to be best for him, whether to tell him or whether to keep it to myself until I know everything is okay.
Well today he found out because I couldn’t cook some chicken! And he’s really not taken it well.
He isn’t angry and the pregnancy will be wanted 100% I just know he fears the worst will happen and it’ll put a strain on us.

I want to be supportive of him, but since he’s found out I’ve had this extra anxiety in my stomach of now I have to try extra hard to do everything right because I don’t want to let him down again.

Please can somebody just offer some advice or even an experience of your own. I just want this pregnancy to go well but now I’m even more paranoid that it won’t!!

Thanks, Y x

Talk to him. Deal with the anxiety now before it takes over. The more you understand each other's views, the easier it will be.

I want to be supportive of him, but since he’s found out I’ve had this extra anxiety in my stomach of now I have to try extra hard to do everything right because I don’t want to let him down again.

Congratulations op. I hope your pregnancy goes well.

Call me old-fashioned but I felt quite sad and angry on your behalf reading what you have written. Your dp's role is to support you , not make you feel more anxious. And certainly not to make you afraid of potentially "letting him down" over something outside of your control. He is allowed his feelings of course, but he needs to deal with them, or get some support for himself if they are adversely affecting you. You already have enough on your plate dealing with the physical effects of pregnancy. You don't need to be worried even further.

How is he generally as a partner? Is he kind, supportive, helpful? Do you find yourself walking on eggshells around him, or bending backwards to please him, over other matters too?

Do you (or does he) have any supportive male relatives who could have a word with him and give him a talking to (kindly but firmly)? A father, older brother, uncle with DC for example?

If he won't talk to you about this then maybe give him some resources and tell him he needs to seek help for his own anxiety, not add to yours : here.

Finally, as someone who has had distressing miscarriages, and pregnancy issues in the past, I just wanted to say I know how terrifying the uncertainty is, and how you feel everything is outside of your control, and the bravery it takes to go through it all again. I'm obviously sorry for your dp if he finds it all genuinely distressing, but you are the one in the hot seat as it were and he needs to seek help so he can support you .

Sorry op, I meant to say that link I posted was about post natal support, but it would be worth finding out if they offer antenatal help for dads to be too.

I can relate to this, I've had two miscarriages myself (one with my POS ex, and then my and my husband had one last year). My husband took our first miscarriage very hard and so did I, he was also out of town for work so he didn't get that full experience with the miscarriage.

Communication is very important and I feel that maybe your partner is just trying to protect himself from any more pain, which is natural. When it came to this pregnancy, I was that person. Our first ultrasound I was an emotional wreck, I didn't even want to hang our ultrasound up on the fridge because I was terrified of losing this one while my husband was very emotional and confused. It wasn't until I described IN DETAIL what the last miscarriage was like for me that he understood my fear and apprehension, and we decided to hang the ultrasound up together.

I would honestly just takes things one day at a time. Hold his hand and don't be afraid to say that it is okay for him to be scared, because clearly with your anxiety you are scared to. You two made this baby together and you need to be able to provide a united front to what might come next. I blamed myself a lot for my last miscarriage because I felt like I did "everything right" and followed all the rules, and I still lost that baby. But unfortunately they just happen due to reasons that are beyond our control, and I had a hard time accepting that. He may be feeling guilty or apprehensious, but you won't know until you sit down with him and talk to him, and let him know how your feeling. Anxiety is not healthy for you and the baby, if you guys are struggling over the two previous losses then maybe consider doing some couples counseling to help open up the doors for communication and supporting one another, and discussing that grief.

now I have to try extra hard to do everything right because I don’t want to let him down again.
Doesn’t he have to try extra hard to help you so you can concentrate on eating well etc? I really don’t like this sentence.

I have to try extra hard to do everything right because I don’t want to let him down again.

Miscarriage isn't anyone's fault. And it's not up to you to make everything right. And you didn't let him down, Because miscarriage doesn't work like that. Be kind to yourself and relax.

Just give Him some time. I'm pregnant and dp has really just come around to it now.

You haven’t let your husband down OP. I too had a miscarriage last year and am pregnant again. When I first lost the baby I told my husband that I was so sorry to let him down, but he was quick to say that i had not done any such thing. So please don’t feel that way. Many many women miscarry. It doesn’t diminish our grief, but we have to accept that it’s usually nature’s way of ending a pregnancy that had something wrong.

My husband is cautiously optimistic this time around... naturally they will be concerned for us and for their own feelings if it goes wrong again. I have sought to show my husband that I am ok, that I am being cautious with my emotions too and we will take things a day at a time. It’s all you can do.
It’s natural to be fearful at first but we can’t let that fear take over. Talk lots with each other. Give him time and all being well your pregnancy will keep progressing and he will get on board. I am now 20 weeks and it is my husband who has been ordering babygrows and bouncers in the sales! ... give him time.

Hi OP,

Congratulations and I hope all goes well this time.

After my missed miscarriage at almost 12 weeks my partner and I listened to lots of podcasts by men and women and their experiences of losing a pregancy, and honestly, many men feel like yours you just have an honest one who can tell you about it. I would suggest you signpost him to listen to some and gain some reasurrance from men in his shoes.

I also found the positive stories from miscarriage association have helped me in managing the anxiety the second time around.