Stress whilst pregnant. Can't stop crying. Am I damaging baby?

[lonleythischristmas]

My husband and I have been together for six years, married for one. This is our first baby (second pregnancy - had a chemical earlier this year) and I'm currently 13 weeks and this baby was very much planned and wanted.

However I didn't quite see marriage and now pregnancy going the way it has done and it feels all downhill and it comes down to husbands gaming.

Avid PlayStation user and seems like it's the only thing that excites him is putting on his headset, logging in and playing war with his friends online for hours each evening. We had a "chat" meaning basically I cried back in September as it was our wedding anniversary and not only had he made no effort with me all year (I know date nights were limited due to lock down) but all year hadn't even suggested a walk or a movie night and I had to plan our whole anniversary. From that, he said he'd be better and spend less time on the PlayStation.

Well that turned out to be a lie as that lasted about a week and things went back to how they always were and I'm still not feeling valued. But it gets worse, 3 weeks ago when I was 10 weeks pregnant I started to bleed and couldn't get an ultrasound appointment until 3 days later and both nights before the scan I went to bed alone and scared (because i just didn't know what it meant and what was going to happen and I was terrified) because he was playing the PlayStation and couldn't even be there. I'd cry myself to sleep with worry whilst he was shooting cartoons on the TV.

I think if not every night then every other night I have to yell down the stairs and tell him to be quiet as it's midnight and he's got his headset on shouting "HES BEHIND YOU" or "GET OUT OF THE WAY" and waking me up then I'm struggling to get back to sleep as I'm so angry about it - I'm working full time whilst being horrifically sick and tired and it doesn't bother him that I'm struggling through the day. We only have a small house so cannot avoid it.

Then yesterday I've been struck with a cold and have a headache and muscle aches and on top of pregnancy vommiting I just felt awful and felt needy and needed some love but once again, like every night over Xmas so far, I've gone to bed alone when I just wanted some vics rubbed in to my back and kissed goodnight.

I was woken at 1am to his shouting at the game and since then I've not stopped crying. I've been up all night wondering what does my future hold, when things are bad I'm all alone, questioning what I am doing and if I can do this. I want this baby more than anything but I'm scared not only because I've been crying for hours now and terrified I'm hurting my baby but I'm scared I'm going to, if not already, starting to suffer from depression.

My husband is excited for the baby but I feel like I'm doing this alone and that my feelings and needs are completely invalid to him and what I say goes in one ear and out the other.

Will my baby be ok? I am trying to relax but it's so hard when I'm feeling this crap and I can't stop the tears.

I think his behaviour is appalling but sadly not unlike many DH’s in here.

They seem to think it’s fine and that their partners don’t miss them. It seems to affect guys more than women, judging by posts on here plus my mostly male neighbours gaming and cursing out if the open window.

Honestly it doesn’t bode well that you’ve tried to talk but he’s not taken on board what youve said and has put your needs after his gaming desires.

If you can calmly talk about this again and explain how you feel and tell him what you expect from him (to spend more time with you and not to make noise after 10.30pm etc, it might remind him of the previous conversation you had and your perfectly reasonable expectations.

But sadly I don’t think he cares that much about you or the baby if he continues prioritises gaming over caring for you and being with you.

I'm really sorry you're feeling so rubbish right now, your feelings are totally valid and I would feel the exact same. I know you've said you've already spoken to him about this, but maybe you need to have a more serious chat as in tell him the way he's acting is making you second guess everything. Marriage, baby, your mental health, how he cares about you and your unborn child. You need to make him understand it's your body growing your baby, your emotional needs are priority right now. It's perfectly normal to feel like you need extra love and affection, going to bed together at the same time, and made to feel like a priority. Don't worry too much about hurting your baby whilst you cry, I don't think it works that way but what you will end up doing is mentally draining yourself with lack of sleep/stress which can't be good for you or baby. Tell him firmly something needs to change, you feel like you're doing this alone and he doesn't understand how mentally challenging the pressure of pregnancy can be and you need your husband by your side.

Congrats on your pregnancy and I hope it goes well. x

No relationship advice, but my understanding is the sort of stress than can hurt baby is war, hurricanes etc. But YOU and your own well-being matter just as much, and clearly this stress and worry isn’t good for you. If you feel you may already be getting depressed, I’d definitely talk to your midwife. I found perinatal MH services pretty good.

OP, you are doing the best for your baby that you can, in challenging circumstances. Obviously what is best for baby is a calm, serene and happy mum at all times, but that is not life and none of us answering will have been able to provide that for our babies either.

It sounds like your DH has a desire to ‘escape’ - like we all do - and games allow him to meet a certain need. It sounds really upsetting that he has not meaningfully taken your concerns on board, and that he’s shouting at night when you really need sleep.

How is your relationship in terms of communication? Ie, can you express clearly what you feel and what you need? Can he? This can be tricky in many relationships. It sounds like you need a lot of talking, trying your best not to accuse and blame - I understand why you want to and even deserve to, but he’s more likely to close off and it wouldn’t get you anywhere. If he won’t agree to talks, then this is a worry and it may be that you need to really seriously consider your future and make clear to him that his inability to respect you is part of that. Hopefully things can be addressed without going that far. Maybe find out how he is feeling about the pregnancy? It can be scary on both sides and worth exploring too.

@lonleythischristmas I’m so sorry to hear you’re feeling so sad and can’t stop crying. If it’s any consolation, my DH put me through a horrid ordeal with our first baby - he didn’t want the baby despite being together for years, living together, financially stable etc. He harassed me for weeks on end to terminate the pregnancy (even made me an appointment at the abortion clinic) to the point I had to move out to try and salvage my own sanity. I was terrified like you that all my crying, upset and fear for what the future would hold would harm the baby and like you I had a bleeding scare at 9/10 weeks. BUT despite all the awfulness, our little one was born just fine and is now a very noisy, cheeky 7 year old full of lip!! 😀 However, it sounds like you need to communicate how you feel. You say it seems to go through one ear and out the other? Does he acknowledge you at all when you speak? Whether he shares your concerns or anxieties at times doesn’t matter - he loves you and should support you. He’s making you feel alone and vulnerable at a time when he should be nurturing you and making you feel safe. It sounds like he sees gaming as some sort of “escape”. I say this because my DH (yes we stayed together after that incident) plays online every spare second of the day and when I question him or ask him to reduce the amount of time he spends staring at some stupid game he gets very defensive and shouts at me. Yesterday he told me he plays because we (our children and I) are so boring. 🙄 it’s definitely a form of escape for him to the point it’s become an addiction. X

Your baby will be fine, I’m more concerned for you - you deserve much better than this

I'm sorry you feel ill, but why did you stay upstairs at 1am ? I'd have gone down and given him hell. Lay it on the line , will he still be like this with a newborn ?