Handhold or give me a shake re: unexpected pregnancy

[JoeCalFuckingZaghe]

33, been with DP for 8 years. Due to be married this year but postponed until 2021. Unexpectedly had 2 positive pregnancy tests and I’m terrified.

If this had have been the year we were supposed to have (married etc) this might have been a happy occasion, but so much has gone wrong, lost my job due to corona so we’re skint. We’re barley scraping each months bills and we’ve already used up little savings. Our parents have been helping out and will continue to do so but that’s obviously not sustainable and it makes me (and DP more so) feel like a failure. Aside that my MH has tanked and anxiety has been through the roof.
We’ve got a rescue dog with issues that were working on (with a behaviourist) but not much success so far (no aggression).

I just feel like this is all shit timing and it’s going to ruin us financially. I tried to claim some benefit in September but when I put DPs furlough info in it didn’t seem like we qualified for anything (he’s getting about £1100 on furlough). DP has basically said this year has been terrible but there is always something to make you think it’s bad timing so why not just go for it, but has said he will support whatever I want to do.

Am I (we) setting us up for a massive struggle financially going ahead with this when we’re already struggling as it is? I’m not going to be able to find a job now, unless it’s temp, he doesn’t earn a lot / no room for promotion in his current job and his industry is really shakey due to Corona anyway. But any other year this probably would have been good news, but then I’m not that maternal, I know nothing about pregnancy or babies and I’m worried I’m going to be a terrible mother.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom or advice?? We’ve not told anyone yet so don’t want to bounce this off parents (my dad is desperate for a grand baby so I couldn’t mention this to him if we decided to terminate). How expensive is this going to be? Is it going to be a huge struggle?

Sorry I don’t even know what I wanted from this thread.

I just wanted to send a handhold, I don’t have any advice as I’m pregnant with my first and also not in a great place financially but I hope you get some helpful advice here. X

No one can answer this for you. I'm sorry it's such bad timing and you are right to consider whether this is something you can handle, financially or otherwise.
I have no advice really, though I was in a worse place than you when I had all of my unplanned pregnancies and I'm doing okay now. I also had a termination a few years ago, so I know how it feels to make that difficult decision as well. You don't have to decide today, or alone.

You don’t have to continue with the pregnancy if you don’t want to. You are allowed to have an abortion. You might want to consider this.

If you don’t want to have an abortion then your options are to make the best of the situation, or to sink. Sorry if that sounds overly simplistic but it’s a mindset that helps me on occasion. You don’t need to ‘feel’ maternal to be a good enough mother (I didn’t before children and I don’t feel particularly maternal now but love my children dearly and they have been reasonably well brought up). You don’t have to have the perfect financial set up. Babies are surprisingly cheap and the job situation may change radically in a couple of years.

I would consider doing everything possible to make your life more manageable with a baby, for example rehoming the needy expensive rescue dog as you are unlikely to have the financial, time or emotional resource to give it what it needs.

Lots of people have babies in less than ideal circumstances and it works out fine. You can survive and thrive and I am sure you will be a good enough parent, if that’s what you decide to do. Best of luck whatever you decide.

@swiftt a little handhold for you too. I hope whatever you plan works out for you

@CatVsChristmasTree @TheProvincialLady thank you for taking the time to reply. I have had a termination before (10+ years ago) and while it wasn’t the nicest experience it didn’t leave me with a lasting trauma but I’m not 100% sure I can go through with it again. I knew for certain last time it was the right thing but now ...

make the best of the situation, or to sink. Sorry if that sounds overly simplistic but it’s a mindset that helps me on occasion.
I think this is really good advice tbh. Thank you.

You've stacked up all the cons but you must have serious doubts about a termination being the best thing or you wouldn't be asking on here.

You've had a shock so you need to process it a bit. Only you can decide but unplanned babies are not always a disaster and have a way of fitting in. Knowing nothing about pregnancy and babies is pretty common until you've done it!

When I had DC2 we were fine for money (husband was a professional athlete and I was teaching part time at a uni but hadn’t been there long enough to get maternity pay). Within 6 weeks of DC2 being born my DH broke 4 vertebrae in his back during a game, couldn’t play and therefore was getting no match bonuses (significant drop in cash) for months. 6 months after it happened the club released him from his contract due to long term injury so he was unemployed (and was so badly injured he couldn’t get another playing contract/struggled to get any non sport work) and we had next to nothing coming in, but obviously our bills/mortgage still had to be paid. We were so skint that year we nearly lost our house, I sold my engagement ring, and for Xmas dinner and presents for the 2 kids we had to rely on Tesco vouchers that my mum has saved all of that year. It’s was tough, but he still managed to make me laugh everyday somehow, and with a little help when we got really desperate, we got through it. I went back to teaching as soon as I could (had to take some time off to help my DH recover) and after about 10 months on no money and a lot of pain, DH got a third operation that allowed him to play again.

What I learned from the whole year is that you never need as much as you think you do; hand me downs are the greatest ever; let the people who love you help you, it won’t be forever; you can think that you are financially secure and then something unexpected can take the rug from under you - you can still find a way (with a bit of help); little babies/kids don’t give a shit about having ‘stuff’/going on holidays, there is loads you can do for free that they will love a lot more; if you can make each other laugh you can get through just about anything.

If you want the baby, it is possible to find a way. If you don’t and now is not the time, there is no shame in that either.

Your money situation isn’t permanent - if you got good jobs before you’ll get them again.

Good luck OP

I would rehome the dog. It's just adding extra stress. I'm sure you'd qualify for UC once you have the baby. I agree if you were decided on abortion you wouldn't have asked. It's one of these things only you can decide.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond.

@NotThatKindOfDoctor thank you so much for sharing that. I’m sorry you went through such a struggle and I hope your DP is out of pain now. You’re totally right about needing things, It made me tear up a little tbh. Thanks.

You’re right, I wouldn’t be posting here if I thought termination was the best thing. It’s not that I’m dead against it, it’s just I’m not 100% for it... and I’ve seen advise on here before if you have any doubts don’t do it as you’ll regret it and that’s what I’m worried about I suppose. I know I’ve got a lot to think about...

That was nearly 10 years ago now, things were dramatically better the following year, and in fact we’re having DC4 in a few months!

The whole thing was tough but as I said we kept each other smiling, and to be honest it probably made us a lot closer in the long run.

Be kind to yourself and have a good chat with DP about it all.

When I was in a similar position, someone said to me: you will never be 100% either way so choose the decision that feels most right. I chose not to have the baby and I regret it but in some ways my life has been very good because of that decision too and I now have the most beautiful and amazing daughter who I suppose I wouldn't have had. I guess what I'm saying is that I was never and I'm still not 100% sure either way so I try and live with the decision I made which does have positives.

Good luck and sending you love, it really is so hard.

Our timing was similarly unplanned, and not ideal. We weren't trying, and I wasn't sure I wanted a baby really either, and I certainly wasn't ready.

My own baby, in my case, was totally different to the abstract "having a baby". I enjoyed him, and being a mum, much more than I expected to. We became ready, because there he was in front of us. I think it's rare to be "born to be a mum", most of us are just figuring it out as we go.

most of us are just figuring it out as we go.
I think this is the most real statement ever! Thank you all. Honestly it is really really helpful. I appreciate all the replies and advice

Babies don’t have to be expensive and there is rarely the right time to have one.
I slept in a draw for the first few weeks of my life.
Seek some help for your mental health from your GP. Things are rarely as bad as they seem and the baby will bring joy to your lives.
I’m not whitewashing it. There may well be some tricky times ahead but your baby will give a focus and drive.

Before we had our first, we spent such time (and money!) preparing everything - buying everything new, decorating the 'nursery'....however, we hardly used any of the stuff we bought and the baby doesn't even go into its own room for the first 6 months anyway!

The most important question to ask yourselves is are you in a good relationship, will you make a good team and do you have love to give? It turns out that this is a million times more important than how financially settled you are.

Good luck with your decision x

Sorry you're in this position OP. The big question for me would be do you want a baby? Do you plan to have kids later on once you're married and work is more stable? Have they always been part of your future?

If it that's a yes then I would go for it now. The worst thing if you do ultimately want kids would be to terminate now and then find that you struggle to conceive again later. The timings not perfect but tons of people have kids in that and worse situations and it works out fine.

If kids weren't necessarily going to be part of your future, then it really is ok to make whatever decision is best for you now.

Sorry you’ve had such a difficult year, and congratulations on your pregnancy.

What do you need to buy new for a baby? Nappies - and they can be super cheap from eg Lidl. Literally nothing else (and not even that nappies if you want to use reusables!)

Our child is over 2 and we have bought them almost nothing new. There is SO MUCH second hand stuff available either free from family and friends or second hand on social media sites. Buggy, car seat, cot, bedside crib, ALL clothes, toys, scooter etc etc we have had them all given to us. Admittedly we are lucky to have quite a lot of friends/family with stuff they wanted to give away, but we’ve also had loads of stuff for free/very cheap from social media. I honestly think it’s pointless buying new stuff - so much of it is only used for a short time, there is loads of great quality second hand stuff out there, and as previous posters have said there’s loads of stuff you’re told you need that you really don’t.

All the very best of luck. I hope your situation improves soon. xx

We’re very much a second hand and “hand me down” family anyway. DPs mum was a childminder (retired) but has purposely kept toys in case DP or his brother have children so I know we would get loads of stuff from her and I’m always trawling free sites on FB etc for things we need before buying so the idea of buying 2nd hand doesn’t horrify me even if it would be a first baby.

The most important question to ask yourselves is are you in a good relationship, will you make a good team and do you have love to give?
I think is an important question. Our relationship is solid, I know things change but DP really is good man. He would do anything and everything for me and this baby and has said something to that tune already.

Thanks again for everyone that has replied it has really helped. X

@JoeCalFuckingZaghe are you both over 25 and renting a house? If so u might get help from uc if not now u definitely will. If you want I can work this out for u if u want to pm me I work in payroll so have plenty of knowledge on this

Oh, I really feel for you! Me and my partner fell pregnant right at the start of first UK lockdown and it was a total shock also. We were still living at my parents and throughout the several lockdowns I had to stop and start working (I work freelance).

One thing is I will say is that I also felt for so long that this was bad timing, we weren’t ready and we wouldn’t be able to afford. My parents have also helped us massively and we are both 32, so don’t have any shame in receiving help. ESPECIALLY right now with everything that’s happening. It took me a good several weeks to feel ok with becoming a mother. But now we are really happy, and I will say that things may be harder than what you’re used to but you’ll always live within your means. I think also don’t feel worried about taking free baby stuff. We’ve not really bought anything coz so many people try to offload baby things! Make the most of it!

I hope everything goes ok for you! It’s such a difficult position to find yourself unexpectedly, so whatever you decide will be right. Hope this shared experience helps put your mind at ease a little !