I'm already a terrible mother

[Preggo100]

I'm 25 weeks pregnant. I had already been struggling with my mental health and migraines before falling pregnant but it was managed with anti depressants.
I was smoking heavily (20 a day). As soon as I found out, I stopped immediately. But I had a bit of a breakdown after coming off my anti depressant cold turkey (because my GP scared me about how dangerous they were) and smoked a pack of cigarettes over a week or two. That was at 10 weeks maybe. Then just before Christmas I did the same again. Why am I struggling so much to stop completely?
I feel like I am only just holding on at the moment, I have cried every single day of this pregnancy. I cannot see anything positive at all. It has been the hardest thing I've ever done to just NOT smoke... I don't understand why it's been so hard for me I feel like a horrendous person. I am honestly trying my best I promise you all. It doesn't help that my partner doesn't seem to think it's a big deal.
I have spoken to my GP and am starting back on a safer anti depressant this week. Not sure what I'm asking here but just feel like I've already failed my unborn child.

@mumsnethq can I have this moved please it's in the wrong place

You haven't failed already smoking during pregnancy is not ideal but whats worse is the stress caused by quitting and beating yourself up wont help anyone its a drug your addicted accept it minimise it binge smoking is worse than maintaining on a couple a day wait for the meds to kick in try again slowly dont consider it a failing consider it helping your mental health

a bad mum wouldn't care you will be fine

Click on the dots under your post and report it that way. I’ve already done so as well.

Cold turkey is always going to be incredibly hard! Can you not use patches, gum or mouth spray?

@slipperywhensparticus Thank you. I was expecting to get destroyed by the first person who commented. I think quitting smoking and anti depressants cold turkey at the same time was a complete shock to my body and I really haven't been coping. I hope the new anti depressants kick in quickly and my mood lifts a bit. I really think that will help me through.

@PurpleFrames I might have to give the gum a try... I am seeing my midwife soon I shall ask her

I realised after I should've said not to be so harsh on yourself! Just immediately jumped to the practicalities- sorry!

@PurpleFrames No I appreciate your help. I have been genuinely shocked at how much I've struggled with everything during pregnancy, with this being the hardest thing by miles. My husband says he's really proud of me and can't believe I've managed to cut down so drastically while being so severely depressed. But I can't seem to feel that way about myself.

Have you tried to get haelp with the no smoking? TRy asking at your local pharmacy. You are not being rubbish because you are trying hard to do the best you can. What other ways are you addressing your mental health issues? Do talk to you mw theymay be able to support.help.

How lovely to hear you have support, not usual on here! Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck on 🚬

@purpleframes I am very lucky. Thanks for your help too.

@june2007 I hadn't asked for help as I wasn't planning on smoking again after the 10 week relapse. But now I definitely will ask my midwife. I have no other help with my MH at the moment, just a prescription for Fluoxetine.

Seriously, antidepressants are preferable to a mum who is struggling. I think fluoxetine might be one of the less favoured SSRIs in pregnancy, but that doesn't mean you can't take anything. I'm taking citalopram and plan on taking it throughout my pregnancy. The doctor suggested I reduce the dose if I could but the midwife and my consultant urged me to keep taking it. I'm sure if you worked with a mental health midwife they would agree that you're better off being mentally well and medicated than not. Maybe if you have proper treatment for your depression the smoking thing won't feel so difficult? I've never been addicted to cigarettes though - I know it must be really hard to quit.

Look smoking isn't fab and there are well documented side effects during pregnancy but just to throw you some rope, there are millions of people walking around today whose mothers smoked. And not just here and there, smoked like it was a career. The main focus got you is that you are making an effort, and that is not to be sniffed at. Your depression is clouding you. You need help and support with both of these issues, the depression and the smoking. Stop beating yourself up. Flip it on its head, look at all those days you didn't smoke. Celebrate that. And keep going.

Can you try an e cig? I wouldn't have been able to give up without them. I am elderly, and smoked during pregnancy. Both my DD have grown up fine and they are in their forties.
Countless people in the past smoked when pregnant. You haven't failed as a mother.