Naughty toddler or over reacting?

[1stDue2021]

Please
No judgment! I'm currently 12 weeks pregnant and I'm super stressed about having a baby now after this experience

So my partner and I have a friend (we're friends with him and his girlfriend)

They're both lovely and have an almost 3 year old boy. I'm pregnant myself and being around their toddler has honestly stressed me out about having a child. I don't know if he is behaved or is genuinely naughty? Not sure if I'm over reacting!

He constantly throws things over the house (constantly, scissors, sweets, his toys, anything he can grab. Doesn't just throw them - he throws them at us and his parents) his mum will tell him to stop and threaten to discipline him but will only put him on the naughty step "until he's calmed down and decides to come back in"

He will constantly swear. Constantly. Which is learnt behavior from his dad, and also hit. He's an adorable little boy with a lovely personality but being around him genuinely gives me anxiety because I'm having a baby myself and would be so annoyed if my son acted that way (please don't judge I'm so chilled and laid back. But for me I want a child that can say please and thank you, know what's right and wrong and is kind to people) as I said when he's behaving he's such a lovely boy.

Background info. His dads too laid back. Mum is pregnant with her second and works all day as well as the dad but whenever the little boy is doing something naughty the dads always shouts her to discipline him.

I know this sounds so rude and bitchy and I feel terrible, but I just wanted opinions? Is it wrong for me to want to raise a child with manners and kindness and invest all the time I can into them to make them a better person?

Or is this just toddlers for you?

I know this will be mixed comments but I haven't had kids myself yet so please no mean comments I am just asking for advice here!

Thanks x

You can’t guarantee your little one won’t be a handful as it’s luck of the draw but the parents do sound awful lax on discipline.
My recently turned 2 year old is a handful and makes an awful mess but she listens to no, won’t play with things she knows she’s not allowed and will tidy after herself when asked.

No my children certainly had their moments as toddlers but they were generally well-behaved, and absolutely when visiting other houses or we had visitors over. Children can't think like adults- their brains are not mature - but they can understand good behaviour. Shouting at the mother to sort the child out is no help whatsoever. Kids learn by watching and copying.

Other people’s kids are always more annoying than your own

Mine isn’t really a toddler any more but doesn’t throw things at people. The odd dinner or drink swiped off the table and the occasional over-enthusiastic putting away sure; but never throwing objects at people.

He also doesn’t swear. He did go through a short phase of hitting, but got past it after a few ignorings and a few naughty steps.

He does ask about 62,345,972 questions a day though and does give a hilarious running commentary every time he poops.

It’s likely a passing phase but little boys like that are kind of scary if you’re not used to it. I once told my DH ‘we’re never having a boy!’ after one such memorable encounter ...

Guarantee though that they don’t see it this way and whilst exhausted, probably don’t see him as a particularly unruly child.

@DeadSouth @Pipandmum @FairyontopofthetreeBatman yeah that's what I'm saying! I just feel bad for like wanting to be a different parent? More discipline and actually engaging with my child... like toddlers are toddlers there of course going to be little shits at times! I just see it all the time with him and think if they listened to him more, disciplined him and made an effort then he would be better behaved?

You're the perfect parent right now OP, because you don't have a kid.

This is exactly how I thought before having my baby. Then you realise it's not as easy as you'd think.

@Ohalrightthen I'm not being bitchy at all? I stated that? I'm just after advice as to whether that's normal etc? And expressing I feel bad because I'd want to parent a different way? Not slating them at all I'm a first time parent to be with questions and concerns?

[quote 1stDue2021]@Ohalrightthen I'm not being bitchy at all? I stated that? I'm just after advice as to whether that's normal etc? And expressing I feel bad because I'd want to parent a different way? Not slating them at all I'm a first time parent to be with questions and concerns? [/quote]
I didn't say you were being bitchy OP, nor did i imply it. You're just very naive. In 3 or 4 years time, you'll have a much more informed perspective.

@Ohalrightthen it's not that I'm not informed?😂I'm asking if that is normal behavior. I've never had any experience with kids at all. No family nothing. So I was asking a question. I just see it as an outsider point of view. They don't talk to him or invest time in him or nothing, they don't listen to him when he speaks and don't discipline him at all. So as well as asking a general question I was asking if I should feel bad for wanting to myself be a more invested parent? No one knows until they have children, you're stating the obvious. I didn't post this to be told I don't have kids yet so of course I'm the perfect parent. But thanks for your response anyway :)

[quote 1stDue2021]@Ohalrightthen it's not that I'm not informed?😂I'm asking if that is normal behavior. I've never had any experience with kids at all. No family nothing. So I was asking a question. I just see it as an outsider point of view. They don't talk to him or invest time in him or nothing, they don't listen to him when he speaks and don't discipline him at all. So as well as asking a general question I was asking if I should feel bad for wanting to myself be a more invested parent? No one knows until they have children, you're stating the obvious. I didn't post this to be told I don't have kids yet so of course I'm the perfect parent. But thanks for your response anyway :) [/quote]
You only see them when you see them, though. I think its very normal to not devote huge amounts of time and attention to the musings of your 3yr old when you're with your friends, and i also think it's very normal not to want to discipline your child in front of an audience. It is also very, very normal for kids to play up a lot more when they've got a crowd.

You're an excellent demonstration of the hardest part of parenthood though - even your friends are judging you.

@Ohalrightthen wouldn't call it judging when he goes out in the coke from a Friday to Monday morning and leaves her all alone. So yeah I'd say I'm judging him and also feeling bad for her for having to keep the house going. Look after their 3 year old and carry their 2nd child at the same time :) didn't want to go that far into all of the background info but don't make me out to be a bad person :)

If you’re asking if it’s normal behaviour then you are, by definition, not informed.

No one is having a go at you but you only see them parenting when they’ve got company, so have no idea what happens 99% of the time. And you only see the child when there’s company over (and that is when they can either be the sweetest little cherubs known to man, or an absolute hurricane of destruction).

Come back to this thread in 3 years and let us know how it’s going.

[quote 1stDue2021]@Ohalrightthen wouldn't call it judging when he goes out in the coke from a Friday to Monday morning and leaves her all alone. So yeah I'd say I'm judging him and also feeling bad for her for having to keep the house going. Look after their 3 year old and carry their 2nd child at the same time :) didn't want to go that far into all of the background info but don't make me out to be a bad person :)[/quote]
Yeah, I'd be judging your friend for having kids with this man a lot more tbh.

When you don't have a child, it's very easy to think you won't let your children do X Y and Z when the time comes.

I wouldn't say the swearing was usual however the throwing in little boys/all toddlers is very normal. I have an over enthusiastic toddler who I wouldn't say throws but 100% over enthusiastically launches things about when tidying up/moving things. We do have the odd temper tantrum throwing as well.

I understand OP, other people's toddlers nearly put me off children.

DD was nothing like them, she didn't behave roughly or recklessly, she didn't tantrum, she was 80% easy going, highly verbal, nice company.

Don't get me wrong, it's been 80% sunshine and 20% psychological warfare... She can be contrary, awkward, supremely irritating (entirely on purpose), she is single minded and sometimes downright naughty...

But she's my DD, and that makes all the difference.

"Is that normal?" Depends on who you hang out with. Parenting styles vary wildly from family to family, culture to culture.

Is your kid going to be like that? Probably not, because you're already planning to take steps for them not to. Everyone has their own tolerance for what level of behaviour they are prepared to accept.

Personaliti

Obviously some kids are harder work than others. But broadly speaking, you reap what you sew, and every parenting decision you make for the first few years is a variation on pay now or pay later.

Toddlers are basically like drunk adults - everything they do is without a filter, and there is a lot of stuff that they are just not going to follow until they sober up. Sometimes it's exhausting being the sober one, but if you love and respect them (but don't let them walk all over you) it all comes out in the wash.

@MyNameForToday1980 omg someone who doesn't think I'm being a bitch! It's scary right I just wanted some advice!

But yeah kids are hard work end of! Thanks for understanding and for your reply x

@1stDue2021 my first was wild, a right little character, very cheeky and speedy. But also spent lots of time being a very good boy.
Second was just mellow, really chilled - he still is like that, but also forgets a lot too.

10 years gap and my third - well he is just BOLD 😂 never met a child like him. He is always laughing and smiling. Up until 18 months, he was so quiet, but then boom it's non stop! Climbs on everything and anything. Spits ( not sure where this came from) obsessed with water, pours his drinks everywhere. Knows everything but forgets the No's I tell him. He's nearly 3.

But as much as my 3 are different and it can be crazy, they are your dc, other peoples children aren't and so their behaviour feels terrible at times.
Don't worry about it. You will have your ups and downs but at the end of the day, you are in charge of your child

I was told recently that at that age, a boy's testosterone levels are absolutely through the roof - hence the wildness. Each kid is different though, and if you adjust your parenting style to respond to your kid's needs, you're likely to be more successful. Toddlers are always going to be impulsive little maniacs at heart though, they're learning about the world without our impulse control ☺

The throwing should be calming down at age 3. The swearing he's clearly picked up by example from those around him.

It's possible, OP, that you will luck out and have a charming, laid-back child. It's more likely that some aspect of your child's behaviour will irritate you - if they're not wilful, they may be clingy and moany. Or all three! And it's definitely true that you will forgive your child behaviour you find very irritating in other children.