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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Single motherhood?

19 replies

WeavingWandering · 07/12/2020 04:03

Bit of a back story, in summer I put the offer in a massive project house, assuming after multiple failed IVF attempts that motherhood wasn’t in the cards for me. Queue becoming pregnant two months later On top of that, my partner had to go overseas for work during this time and promptly got stuck until repatriation flights resumed next week. House completed a week ago.

Obviously, there’s been a lot of life changes in a pretty short amount of time and I knew we were both having the odd wobble.

Hours before his flight, my partner announced he isn’t coming home. He has a history of mental illness and his messages make it pretty evident he’s in the middle of mental health crisis. He’s safe and getting support. But has obviously left me with the house and the baby.

I’ve asked him not to make any further major decisions about us and our future until he’s back in a stable place . And have said I will stand by him (whether he likes it or not- I need to know it’s him talking and not the mental illness ) until he’s well enough to make a rational decision about what he wants

But realistically, I’m either facing caring for an unwell partner on the other side of the world on top of the house and the baby. We’re unlikely to get another repatriation flight for months if not a year. Or I’m facing single motherhood... I’m scared all the stress will hurt the baby.

Has anyone else gone through this and come out the other side with a happy baby? Keeping baby safe and well is my main priority.

I am seeking therapy for myself and will be signing off sick from work for the foreseeable future.

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Original poster

WeavingWandering · 07/12/2020 04:07

I should add that I was planning to tell people about the baby this week having just had my 12 week scan. I know it’s irrational but I got so excited about him coming home and told everyone, and it all blew up in my face- and now I’m scared to tell people about the baby in case I jinx that too. It’s irrational but it genuinely scares me . So nobody knows except my mum, brother and a few family members .

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AntiHop · 07/12/2020 04:36

Are you near your family now?

Aquamarine1029 · 07/12/2020 04:38

I'm so sorry for everything you're having to deal with, because it's certainly an awful lot. I do have some questions, though. Have you considered that once finding out you're actually pregnant has caused him to reconsider coming home? Is this sudden bout of mental health issues true or an excuse? If he really is suffering a mental health crisis, why wouldn't he want to return home to where his support network is? I find that quite odd to be honest.

Why is this all about what we wants? What about what you want and need? He has severely left you in the lurch, hasn't he?

flowerpotsandrain · 07/12/2020 04:45

Yes, I did a renovation whilst being a single parent during a severely difficult time. Being disabled with no family made it more difficult too, but it helps being driven by your baby.

Mental illness isn't selfish, I would make a similar choice to you rather than the usual 'LTB'.

bluebell34567 · 07/12/2020 04:57

very good news that house is finished.
get the support of your family during the pregnancy and enjoy it.
you cant do anything for your dp when he is away.
he has get support there and recover. (easier said than done i know)

Original poster

WeavingWandering · 07/12/2020 05:23

@Aquamarine1029 - yes it is definitely a mental health crisis. He’s not from the Uk and has been working in his home country - so i do understand that he wants to be around his family and friends, rather than coming back here when we’ll be moving to a new town and have no one but each other. He’s been diagnosed with PTSD and depression in the past and I’m mental health professional myself so am well aware of the signs. Obviously kicking myself for not recognising how serious it was sooner, but trying to tell myself to be gentle with myself as I’m not with him so it’s only been what he’s been able to tell me.

I do think the actual baby and actual house is probably a catalyst for it! Just like having an actual plane ticket after months of it being not a possibility. A
And yes- I know I am making it about what he wants but I suppose that’s part of ‘in sickness and in health’. I keep telling myself that if the reason he didn’t get on the plane was because he’d had accident, I wouldn’t just walk away because its hard.
@bluebell34567 and @AntiHop- going down to stay with my family tomorrow and then they will come back up with me to help with the move into the new house . By completion I meant the sale went through last week (it would all have been a lot of easier if he had decided this last week before the sale went through ...)- Actual move and months of renovation ahead .

@flowerpotsandrain- you sound pretty epically strong! Going to take a leaf from your book....

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bluebell34567 · 07/12/2020 05:42

oh, i thought renovation was finished.
you sound sensible, i am sure you and the baby will be fine. and your dp is with his family, he can recover there.

Original poster

WeavingWandering · 07/12/2020 05:57

@bluebell34567 I wish! He convinced me take on this ridiculous house with years of renovation. I appreciate that I didn’t anticipate being pregnant but definitely thought we would have dual incomes and someone who knows how a hammer works .... I know I’ll learn but my ladder climbing days are definitely over!

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bluebell34567 · 07/12/2020 06:05

wait for a while if he recovers (maybe 3 months something like that)
if he doesnt then sell the house?

bluebell34567 · 07/12/2020 06:06

how long have you known him?

Original poster

WeavingWandering · 07/12/2020 06:31

@bluebell34567 13 years ...

I love the house . I feel like selling it- even through it might be the sensible thing - would be giving up something else that mattered to me. It offered a lot of security - there’s space to rent out as well which meant I could go on maternity for longer which means a lot to me to have that option. Particularly if I’m going at it solo.

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flowerpotsandrain · 07/12/2020 06:45

I found having the house was a great distraction, I don't know how I would've survived without it at times. Being in a new area gives opportunity for friends and new places to explore too. A full reno job is a lot of work so it gives you a lot to think about and work on, choosing fittings etc. You can take frustration out on it and the more boring tasks give you time to think too if you need it. On the whole it was stressful but also therapeutic. I couldn't have coped moving in to a new build with nothing to do, I needed the distraction and sense of achievement every time I completed something. I like knowing I achieved it all myself too, as I was very mentally wobbly with PTSD so it reminded me I was strong enough to keep going. You might find the same benefits? Invest in a good baby carrier and something practical like an Ergo. You might really enjoy creating a special home for you and your baby

bluebell34567 · 07/12/2020 07:38

flowerpotsandrain great idea. well done to you great achievement.

Superstardjs · 07/12/2020 07:46

Keep the house, keep the baby, ditch the bloke.
Make a plan for the house so you can tackle the rooms in order of priority and then at least you are in a habitable state when baby arrives. Don't pin all your happiness on a man who is proving that he is not doing the same for you.

Gigheimer · 07/12/2020 07:52

Yes me. Ex had a breakdown and we had the bailiffs in (I had no idea) the days I had my third, she was seriously ill in hospital from a birth injury. The next few months were horrific trying to stop him jumping off bridges, sorting out the financial disaster and eventually having to leave him and sell the house. I went back to work too.

But do you know what, DD3 is the sweetest calmest little girl now because she had to just fit in. And life as a single mother, while intense at times, is wonderful. They are amazing.

You sound strong, you’ll be ok, do not worry about the baby you’ve been through a hell of a journey to get pregnant enjoy it.

My one advice is, the baby is your priority now, I spent far too long trying to support ex in his mental health while he couldn’t or wouldn’t help himself. That nearly drained and destroyed me, all to find out that another woman had more “time” to be there for him after all I’d done.

So focus on you and the baby, he’s best where he is with family support to work on his crisis, you need your energy elsewhere now.

Original poster

WeavingWandering · 07/12/2020 09:06

@flowerpotsandrain- sounds amazing. I’ve not really allowed myself to cry because I don’t want to upset the baby, but I did have a little sob reading that!

@Superstardjs- huge parts of me wish I could. But I feel like it would be massive hypocrisy when I’m so passionate about mental health just walk away from someone having a crisis

@Gigheimer. Sounds like a terrible time - I’m glad you have come out the other side and find single motherhood so rewarding. It’s a comfort to know it can be done.

I do worry about the ‘with his family ‘ thing . He wrote me a really incoherent letter and then called saying a lot of things about me and our relationship that weren’t grounded in reality. It was scary. The problem is, I’m sure a lot of women WOULD act that way , or raise their child that way.... so unless you know me well enough to know my views on child raising or relationships (which isn’t something I’ve casually spouted off to his dad and siblings! ) you might not know that everything he is saying is complete fantasy. I just worry that instead of people helping to see that he’s created this relationship and partner in his head that doesn’t exist, they are just going to go along with it. Would be a lot easier if he thought he was Elvis even though it’s as rational.

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Gigheimer · 07/12/2020 10:15

Oh sweetheart I remember the terror of being there, and I agree it is not ok to walk away from someone in crisis but MH professional or not you have to recognise what is in your sphere of control and what is not.

This is currently not, I made clear to my ex that I was there for him but he had to be willing to help himself and me also breaking under the pressure couldn’t do anything but harm him, me and the children (baby in your case).

On a positive note he’s now in a much better place and while he’s useless(!) he loves his children and we have a good relationship because I accepted what his abilities WERE not what I would like them to be and stayed amicable on that basis.

MNHQ

YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet · 07/12/2020 12:17

Hello there @WeavingWandering - this thread might be better suited to the Relationships topic (though we can see you're getting lots of good advice here too). Let us know if you'd like us to move it.

Original poster

WeavingWandering · 07/12/2020 12:44

@YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet- I did wonder where best to post it, but I think it’s the pregnancy I’m more scared about than the relationship. Although I’ve started having cramps and bleeding so it’s likely the stress has brought on a miscarriage. I’m just waiting for the midwife to call me back.

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