Under lots of stress

[Mylasmummy2102]

Hey

So I'm 10 weeks pregnant 3rd baby. My leaders daughter who is 11 has had some issues she saw a councillor last year as she has behaviour problems as her dad and his gf disowned her and we're very mean to her which I completely understand but now she has absolutely nothing to do with her dad which is a good thing obviously! But her bad behaviour is back and she's stressing me out she's rude she's lazy she shouts and screams at me and it's stressing me out I've been in tears all weekend I feel like I'm always walking on egg shells and I'm so worried it's going to harm the baby and I'll loose it. I'm trying to breath trough the stressful situations and remove myself but she's so persistent and an argument can last for hours and hours.

I know it sounds terrible and please don't judge me but I need a break from her just for a night or something . I want to help her and I've contacted the counsellor again but because of the current situation they aren't seeing children in primary school which really isn't fair.

Sorry to rant just feeling very low and fed up any tips would be greatly appreciated x

The stress won't harm your baby. Women get pregnant and have healthy babies in war zones.

Is there a grandparent she can go to for a night? I think a friend's house with covid etc... is less likely to be an option.

Can you ask her why she screams and shouts? Is it modelled behaviour she's picked up on? Ask her why she is mean to you, etc... she may not know the answer, but she might get stop to think about it.

Sounds like she both needs empathy and needs to start learning some. Distancing yourself from her while pregnant probably won't work in the long term, but if there's anywhere she could have a (nice) overnight away from you after you've had a chat and explained (at an appropriate level) how you're feeling, it could be a good thing in the short term.

But stop worrying about the effect it has on pregnancy - because it's zero.

I have tried sitting and talking with her and so has my mum I try to spend time with her just the2 of us nothing seems to work the school and doctors don't want to know and I don't know what else I can do she thinks the world is against her but all we try and do is give her a good life which obviously isn't good enough.

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Maybe she worried about the new baby coming and its triggered her sense of being abandoned? The fact that she is talking to a therapist is a really great thing.

I always think with kids they aren't born to be sh*t people (lol sorry). Looking into the psychology of it will probably give you some understanding. Based on what you said- it could be her seeking attention because she feels you might do the same as her dad/his gf? its hard to ask an 11 year old WHY because they're not emotionally aware enough to understand it themselves, they just react to how they feel inside.

If you haven't already tried it-rather than asking her why and how she feels- turn it around and just give her lots of reassurance and not expect anything back for a while. Just make comments to her about how much you love her and that you're not going anywhere and even with the new baby coming- she is always your firstborn and is loved. Don't expect anything back from her.. just spend the week dropping messages like that and repeating them. Maybe write little notes for her say you understand things are tough, but I love you regardless.

See how you get on with that? If she is experiencing being re-triggered because of the past- then sending her to her grandparents etc- will confirm her fears, oh mum doesnt love me, shes going to disown me too etc.

Hope that helps!

That's just made me feel like a rubbish mum

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!! that wasn't my intention at all! I am honestly very very sorry if you felt like that. I feel absolutely awful... :(

The only reason I commented is because I have been going to a therapist for trauma that I've suffered in childhood- and I wasn't given any counselling to help me through it (it wasn't the norm back then) as a result there's so many things I do as an adult that are an output of the things I wasn't able to process as a kid. It wasn't my fault and it wasn't my mums fault either- she did her best, it was beyond both of us. When I read the fact that she was acting out- I recognised it. And i just thought maybe the reason she is acting out is that she wants reassurance/attention. Its just something to try and see how you get on.

Don't worry, you've got this xx

I can’t really offer any advice only add that I’m 14 weeks pregnant and have also had a lot of stress.

I work in a job with very long hours and often need to work till the small hours to get everything done. I continuous raise concerns and was recently told that I had to push my team ‘until they break’. So all in all a pretty vile atmosphere.

I was very worried about the baby, especially in the earlier weeks. I remember the day my app said they were developing their eyes I had an especially bad day

I also try to remind myself that people have babies in lots of different circumstances. So fingers crossed they’ll be alright.