Snide comments- When is the line drawn??

[Spagbolpls]

Hi,

Ever since my pregnancy I have always been compared to my SIL (who doesn't really like me) and I'm not the biggest fan of hers either.

They compare my stomach to hers (I barely have a bump at 5 months)

Due to this I apparently have a skinny baby??

My SIL had a 3D scan at 28 weeks and her baby appeared to have a lot of fat on the cheeks.

I had the same private scan but at 17 weeks as my husband and I were eager to know the sex. We were given a 3D peak as part of our package and of course at that stage the baby has not developed fat yet.

I explained that to my in laws who proceeded in telling me that I don't eat much and I'm not eating vegetables etc. Which is annoying because the babies at a healthy measurement.

I then got compared due to going triage as I was concerned about the baby not moving.
All is well and midwife told me the baby's just trying to establish a sleep pattern, so nothing to worry about.

No surprise... in laws think the baby's weak and I should be taking vitamins daily and nightly like their daughter does and that's why her baby is healthy and mine is skinny and not moving.

As you can imagine the strength it took to contain my annoyance and anger. I really just want to keep things civil for the sake of my husband but I can't help but feel like I will snap one day and completely blow off steam!!

I just think, what if when our baby's are born will they compare my son to their daughters baby?

Will they keep making snide comments?

Or what if my parenting skills isn't like theirs will they start interfering and try taking over?

Sorry for the rant but it's just annoying and I feel like I have no breathing space living with my in laws

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head - I hate to say it OP but this won’t end with pregnancy. It will be what your child eats, sleeps, looks like, development et etc...

Please ask your DH to have a word - personally I wouldn’t be spending anytime with them if that’s their attitude. You don’t need the snidey remarks - how dare they!

Ignore them. As long as you know that you're healthy, eating well and doing everything you can to keep yourself and baby healthy...who cares what they think?

Just to add I am eating well. my weight is healthy and I have no complications. My pregnancy is low risk and so I have been told not to take any folic acid. I still take my regular vitamins and have been preconception.

Also to add this is my first pregnancy so I don't expect to be the size of a whale, if my muscles haven't experienced stretching like this before.

But I guess my in-laws have taken a secret course in midwifery and have a doctorate degree 🤔🙄

@Teacaketotty My only regret is accepting to live with my in-laws. I just thought it would be nice for everyone to live under one roof since they have ample space and bedrooms that are empty. (Both SILs have moved out)

But the ultimate price I'm paying is their unwanted comments and I should probably have a word with my husband as he is considering relocating near his work place. Hopefully my in-laws don't decide to sell up and come along 🤗

Sadly I thought so too, I just don't think it's healthy for kids growing up to feel like their sole existence is just a competition

Unfortunately I don't think this will end with the pregnancy. I really hate the competitive nature it brings out in people. Me and my cousin are so close and we had babies 6 weeks apart and we really made it point that we're never going to compare and we've always been a pillar of support through tough times. I think the only person who can try and put a stop to it will be your husband. Honestly I would be upset with my in laws if they did that to me. Its annoying

Move out, asap!

Ignore unsolicited feedback and reduce the amount of information you share with them. Ask him to do the latter. Discuss with him what boundaries you want to have with them, and how to set these up.

I think your DH should have a word with your in laws and explain you are individual and their comments are not reasonable. You can't compare babies, pregnancy or people.

In the meantime just try to not let them get to you

It was v naive to think that living with the in laws would be ‘nice’!

Unless you and DH move out, this will get worse.
I might be wrong but is it a cultural expectation for you and DH to take care of your in laws in their “golden years”?

You live with them??? Oh god!! I was going to say keep hospital trips etc to yourself, but that's hard when you live in the same house.

Living with in-laws never ends well, especially with nightmare ones like these. Can you afford to move out?

if when our baby's are born will they compare my son to their daughters baby?
Yes and probably negatively

Will they keep making snide comments?
Yes

Or what if my parenting skills isn't like theirs will they start interfering and try taking over?
Probably

If you demur you will be labelled touchy and ungrateful.

Relocation Relocation Relocation

Are you eventually planning to move out of your in-laws house? As others have said it's not gonna stop at snide comments, once baby is here they will almost certainly want to interfere with your parenting style, criticise what you do, blame you if the baby won't stop crying etc.

I'm assuming the living with in laws is a cultural thing? One of my best friends was the same, moved in with in laws after marriage as they had a massive house. She initially said they'd probably stay with the in laws forever but since she's had the baby they are now looking for their own place as she can no longer deal with them.

Thank you all so much for replying!

Feels great reading the comments and knowing there's so many who won't tolerate this kind of behaviour. I thought perhaps it's just my hormones and I'm probably sensitising every word they say.

I've actually had enough and I want to live in a happy non competitive household and if that means living with just my husband and baby then so be it. I'd rather have a happy heart knowing my little baby is content in life than being passively bullied by own blood.

I want to wait until hubby gets home from work to discuss this. He is very supportive and understands his parents can be a pain in the arse when they feel like.

I've remained civil with his parents over the past year of our marriage but sadly I can't see my marriage flourishing under the same roof as them.

As I believe with all my heart even if we spoke to my in-laws... they will never change. Not even for the sake of their only son.

Some give and take is necessary when living with the inlaws, it doesn't sound like previous posters have experienced this kind of living situation but I have. My pregnancy was not compared to my sil's she is a dil not daughter. However she had a son and I had a dd, when I had my son he was and is compared. My ds was 8lb 10oz at birth, he is 3 now and tall and slim. My lovely nephew was premature and weighed just over 1lb he is now chubby, aged 6 but wears 11 year old clothes (overweight but looks cute), my mil thinks sil is doing amazingly well at parenting because he is a chubber and basically implies that I have allowed my ds to get thin. Never mind that my boy is a lot taller than dear nephew at an equivalent age. I just let it go, whilst annoying I am secure in my parenting. My kids are healthy and happy and full of energy.

The only thing that can make such a situation work is if your dh is supportive of you and challenges any underhand comments. He should nip it in the bud now. There is an expectation that only sons stay with their families my own family included as my brother is an only son. My dh is one of two and we did move out, largely because sil and I did not get along and we got sick of living in one room with two kids when we could afford better. I do not understand why people feel the need to be so competitive, it is so draining to be around people like that.

Speak to your dh and see how the land lies. Wishing you a safe and healthy pregnancy.