Lots of pressure re:Breastfeeding, HELP!

[staydazzling]

A quick summary with my previous children i had very little success re:breastfeeding, one i. managed nearly 5 months but LO was showing symptoms of dehydration i. e few wet nappies, not pooing, sleeping too much very poor weight gain, so combined then fully bottle.
My other baby, didn't latch at all, no one checked for tongue tie etc and i didn't know to ask tbh i was just handed a bottle, graveyard shift behaviour possibly, but yeah not great.
Not many women with that past history would try again but i am, i have bras, pads, shields, cream and an electric pump n storage bags for public use and poor latching issues.
My DM breastfed like a breeze and as much as she means well, shes putting a huge amount of pressure on me, me amd my DH agreed maybe combined feeding just to take that pressure off! but im being bombared with messages like, "not sure if you know this but you need to drink water" i used to drink a pint after every feed. , "maybe you needed to massage your boobs" "what bras are you wearing" sending me helpline no. s to "ring them and get my head in the right space"
a) it sounds like a lot of thinly veiledblame i. e maybe i was doing it wrong rather than i wasn't supported.
b) its such huge pressure on me, im getting to a point where i just don't want to move now.
I suffer from Hypermesis still,, (39 weeks) so my desire to have my body back is bad as it is, this isnt helping 😔, how do i approach this tactfully?

'This is a very personal choice, and I feel like you're putting pressure on me. Could you stop please?' should be enough. If it isn't, then reply 'this is my baby and I'm making my own decision'.

Do you want to try again?
If so, I had a rubbish start feeding my son so when expecting my daughter I spoke to an ibclc over the phone to go through my previous issues (like a debrief which I needed as I was very emotional about it) and to make a plan for feeding a new baby. I then arranged for a post natal doula to visit me as soon as I was home to help if there were early issues. I’ve got a pot of money aside incase I have issues down the line this will pay for either the doula again or an ibclc (who can cut tongue ties privately too)

I also take part in a large leche league zoom call fortnightly

Luckily I’ve had a much much easier journey this time so far!

I do but i want a lot less pressure, i. e having the option of combined feeding if i need it, i feel like i dont want the stress of bad feeding to ruin those first weeks, especially if someone says something stupid and blames me, i dont get that time back.

I’m as pro breastfeeding as they come and fed my dd for bloody years!! But it’s so much harder to get started than people would have you believe and it just doesn’t work out for some women sometimes. Fed is best for your baby and anyone that tells you otherwise or puts pressure on you to breastfeed should be told to back off, you’re putting your child’s needs first. mineofuselessinformation has it spot on, this is the only response you need to give.
For what it’s worth, my MIL had 4 children, Dh was breastfed far longer than the other 3 and he’s the only one with allergies and asthma and the only overweight one of them, his younger brother only got 6 weeks breastfeeding due to mastitis and he’s the tallest, fittest, healthiest one of them. Dh got the best looks though

• 5 months is a bloody long time and not to be sniffed at!
• Not everyone WANTS to BF, after a sketchy birth I felt smothered by it's all encompassing all the time-ness, there's nothing wrong with this
• not BFing or not being able to BF is not a failure

She maybe feel that as you've got all the caboodle and seem to be thinking about it that's she's helping with something you want help with. Just explain it's something you've found difficult and as such it's slightly overwhelming ATM so you'd rather just play it as it comes once babies here. Thankyou for the helplines etc, you've made a note and feel you have enough info should you need it.

I think you should do what makes you feel comfortable. I think the less pressure you put on yourself the more likely you are to achieve what ever goals you set for yourself. You should feel like you're allowed to enjoy those early weeks. If you want to persue it then make sure you get all the help whilst you're in the hospital.

Maybe try something along the lines of
Thanks for the advice mum, but this is my third time so I think I've got breastfeeding covered now.

Then change the subject and DON'T tell her of any problems whatsoever you may or may not have.
If she brings the subject up just say 'yes everything is fine thanks'.

If she makes comments about combi feeding just say 'this is what works best'. Then change the subject again.

Thanks everyone sorry if i dont @ people directly, yeah you all make great points,
i think feeling a bit blamed is making me a bit mad aswell.

yeah definitely im keep sharing certain things to a minimum

As a first time mum I was oblivious to how difficult breastfeeding is and how little support there is out there especially now.

I'm 5 weeks PP and literally drove myself mad trying to BF and had baby lose a lot of birth weight, and then I got mastitis

It has been a total nightmare and similarly my mum has been banging on about breastfeeding

My husband could see my mental health suffering and put a stop to it so now combination feeding and feel so much better and not sobbing all day from the stress

Tell everyone to literally piss off. Your mental health is your priority and them making you feel guilty is not helping as I know you will be feeling guilty anyway

I just ignore my mum now and don't tell her about the things going wrong and how I'm feeding the baby

big hugs @New2020 there's nothing worse is there? im. glad your dh stepped in and helped!

It took him a while to convince me and was really worried I'd spiral into PND..I was so stressed trying to breastfeed and it just wasn't working. Naby wasn't latching and had tongue tie

It makes me sad when he says his memory of the first few weeks was me hunched over desperately trying to BF and sobbing. The pressure and expectation is unreal and not much info pre birth on alternatives and that it is ok as long as baby is fed

@staydazzling after giving birth to my first 16 years ago the MW was putting for me to breastfeed.
I wanted to but I have inverted nipples, I tried all the things pre birth to help but nothing worked.
When I told help this, she acted as if I was choosing not to, then force baby on my breast and was trying to work it.
Well it didn't work and I felt like an absolute failure.
I have had this same conversation since with my other dc, but it doesn't work for me.

Well I recently heard that getting your nipple pierced can help fix then but
The piecer Said ' that I have one of the worse cases and that only an operation would fix it.
So No I couldn't breastfeed with them, they are deep.

My point is, that if a doctor or a nurse had taken the time (5 minutes) to actually examine them they would of known this too and for 16 years I felt guilty for know reason at all.

All 3 of my dc are healthy and happy, and you should just do what you want and can.
At the end of the day a fed baby, bottle or breast is all that matters.
My Nan said that and she breastfeed all her dc, and wishes she had formula in her time.

Don't feel the need to be tactful!!

Nobody's business what you do with your body and nobody's business how you feed your babies - feed them, you must, but otherwise? People need to back right off.

Nobody, including babies themselves, care how they were fed once they are grown up.

Don't discuss it with other, deflect/distract away from the subject, twinkly laugh and 'oh gosh, I'm done talking about this now - what you're having for dinner tonight?' and move on, or 'please drop this now because I really don't want to fall out with you' for the repeat offenders.

I am 54, my mother was told she 'could not BF' about 1 hr after she had delivered and she still feels a sense of regret, loss and, yes, guilt about it. It is criminal how little autonomy women are made to believe they have over their bodies and their choices.

I hope you feel better soon - at least HG will stop once you've delivered

I'd just tel her that just because her breastfeeding was easy doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong and she needs to stop stressing you out about it

@unicornsnowflakes bloody hell, sorry you had such a rough time, people around you clearly not using their common sense.

Thanks for the other responses, ive thought about saying "i need a break from talking about BF, as its putting a lot of pressure on me or something similar.