Men and pregnancy

[Babyjune21]

I’m writing this because my heads about to blow of my shoulders and have always found this a great place for support !
I’m having trouble with my partner and I’m 12 weeks pregnant and don’t know who to turn to !
A bit of back round my and my partner met in sept 2017 he was amazing caring loving all he wanted to do was spend time with me and care for me I lived with my mum at the time as I had been her Carrer since I was 7 they got on like a house on fire few months after dating we bought a house together and mum moved in with us so I could still care for her shortly after I feel pregnant after him begging me to give him children (never wanted them before we met) I fell pregnant with my wee boy but sadly at 32
Weeks pregnant my mum died in my arms I ended up quite mentally ill I have been diagnosed with quite a few things since most recently being ptsd I get weekly some times daily therapy and I try my hardest to keep on top on my mental health ever since I fell pregnant with our first he stoped caring as much we bearly spoke and unless I really need to talk we don’t speak about my mental health he doesn’t speak to me about anything I try talk to him about sports tv his work but I’m
Lucky if I get a grunt let alone a one word answer .... he is a bloody amazing father him and our son have an untouchable bond they are best friends he does everything he can for our boy and I can’t fault him on that ....!stupidly when he told me if I fell pregnant again he would be there to support me that we would become a team again but sadly I find myself alone day in day out unless it’s my therapy team or my 2 year old son I don’t really get any other human interaction sadly my mum was my only bloody family I have one or 2 friends but they are busy with work I don’t want to live in a house like this that I just sit there and can’t say anything and if I confront him about it he accuses me of starting an argument and walks away into another room I suppose I’m just asking for advice on how to handle this I’m sad and I don’t have anyone to ask for that type of advice from I’m only 27 he’s 10 years older I’m just a shadow of the girl I once was

I’m so sorry you lost your Mum OP

It seems like your partner is focused on being a Dad but has stopped showing his love towards you. It is no way for you to live like this with him not showing you he cares about you.

Have you spoken to your therapist about your relationship, have they given any advice?
Do you think he would go to couples counselling with you?

How long has it been this way for? Could his mental health be suffering? Was this second baby planned? Just have lots of conversations with him even if they are not reciprocated. Do you ask open ended questions? Play with your 2 year old and speak to them too.

@FingersCrossedForAllOfUs thanks for getting back to me , yeah I have spoke to my therapist about it on and off but as soon as I’m completely open with them about how bad it gets they start to bring in home therapy meaning I have to go throw hours of therapy a day at home and it makes it worse between us I have asked him more than once if he will go to couple counselling with me but he always turns me down no Matter how much I try most of the time he just looks at me with a discussed look on his face

@LouiseTrees thanks for getting back to me it’s been this way from maybe half way threw my 1st pregnancy but got 10x worse when my mum died , I’m not sure re his mental health I always ask him how he’s feeling And ensure him he can talk to me also he’s been offered all the same mental health support I get offered he doesn’t engage with any of them , baby no2 was planned on the promise that we would be a team and he would take more time to be with me and talk to me so we could support each other threw it sadly that’s not happened , yeah I ask him questions about his fav sports and stuff but he just grunts or blanks me

I’m sorry to say OP that I can’t see he is going to change. If he won’t even consider counselling it looks like he doesn’t even see there is a problem at all. He isn’t caring towards you and he wasn’t supportive when you needed him most and he is just as bad now you are expecting baby 2.

What do you think he would say if you said you are so unhappy you want to leave him? Would this make him realise what he has to lose?

I think you need to try and create more of a support network for yourself. I know it is difficult with lockdown but there are groups you can join online for mums who are looking to make other mum friends. This might help you to feel less isolated.
You say your friends are busy with work but do they know how unhappy you are and that you really need their support?

I would sit down with him and tell him that you're not happy. Open up about how you feel. He response to this will tell you whether it's worth trying to save this relationship or whether it's time to think about ending it. Hopefully he will be receptive and want to move forward, but if he's not then at least you have your answer.

I'm really sorry that you're going through this. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it would be to lose your mum when you had been her carer since childhood. Please remember that you deserve to be happy. You can change your situation.

@FingersCrossedForAllOfUs @Crustmasiscoming thanks for getting back to me again ! I’m sitting awake crying in other room it’s my 12 weeks scan in the morning and he isn’t coming along because of last night , when I tell him I’m so unhappy I want to leave he just laughs and tell me to leave then (house is in his name even low I put down half the payment for our new house from the sale of my own house) I don’t legally own half even low I paid for it , he knows if I leave I will have no where to go I don’t have one family member to stay with and he know a other that my mental health team I have no other support, i suppose this is life now and it’s my own fault for trying to give him a 2nd child sorry for all this thanks for all your help x

This sounds like abuse, OP.

Can you get some legal advice? I'm not in the UK so I don't want to start giving you loads of incorrect info, but I know there are a lot of MNers out there who will be able to give you some good advice.