Miscarriage + Pregnancy - Help!

[MilkshakeandChips5]

Hi!

Hoping for some advice...

My best friend recently had a late miscarriage at 19 weeks. She is devastated and I am heartbroken for her and her husband. She is being incredibly strong but it's undoubtedly been an awful time for her.

At the same time, I've found out I'm pregnant. I'm now seven weeks and wondering how and when to tell her. It feels the wrong time but I'm also worried that she will be hurt to find out I didn't tell her (she told me the day she found out). She's also said to me that she doesn't want people pretending around her even though it hurts but it feels heartless to say something when she's so sad.

Does anyone have any advice? Should I hold off or tell her and respect that it's going to be tough for her?

I think its lovely that you are thinking of her.

Ive been around people that have been pregnant after suffering a loss from IVF.

All have doubt with it differently. The one i didnt appreciate was a work colleague that told everyone but told everyone not to tell me.. in the end, i confronted her. I said i was happy for her but would of preferred to have heard it from her.

The best think you can do, if possible of ensure she doesnt find out until she is ready to know about your pregnancy. What i mean is, if she only lost the baby last week, it could be a little too soon.

I would recommend texting her rather than calling.. At least then she can process your news and react naturally without the worry of upsetting you.
And i would also word the message in a way that you are telling her in a considerate, sensitivr way rather than you being excited to share your news, if that makes sense. But i think the fact that you are seeking advice, i dont think you would do it any other way.

It will be hard, but she will appreciate the honesty and consideration.

Good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy xxx

Agree with pp about judging how much time has passed, if it’s within the last week maybe don’t tell her straight away. If there’s been a bit of time then I’d tell her, she’d probably be more hurt if you left it too long.
I have to disagree with sending a message though, it’s so impersonal and as it’s such a sensitive topic for her I think a message seems a bit uncaring. Just be prepared for all reactions, it may take her some time to be able to feel happy for you

I suppose you know your friend best and you can judge how you think she would want to be told.
Obviously, everyone is different and i could only advise as to how i would want to be told. I was thankful i didnt have to fake a reaction or hold back on tears/reactions and was able to process without the pressure.
There are ways of doing it over text so it doesnt come across uncaring, but i appreciate that it may not be for everyone.

Its tricky. You mean well whichever way you go about it and im sure she knows that xx

Thank you for your replies. It's such a hard situation. We were speaking yesterday and she was telling me about someone at work who's baby was due at the same time and hadn't known what to say to her and she said she how she didn't want people to hide things from her. I felt like I was lying to her face but also know that telling her can't be done to make me feel better. I think we might try and hold off for a couple of weeks. It's still not ideal but may be a teeny bit easier. It's just shitty all round.

I recently lost my daughter at 21 weeks, and my best friend is expecting - she is six weeks behind where I was.

We live a fair distance from each other, but we were very open throughout our pregnancies as you can imagine, on the phone all the time, and she was incredible when we were going through everything.

She had her 20 week scan a few weeks ago, I knew when it was but she very tactfully didn't mention, or discuss it. I asked her about it, and turns out she's having a girl.

Whilst it hurt, really hurt, the overwhelming feeling was honestly that I am delighted for her. She and her lovely husband have a beautiful son, and they were hoping for a daughter.

My grief won't fade, but sharing her joy is helping a bit. That said, I haven't planned to see her whilst she's pregnant, and possibly won't meet her little girl for a while. Her son was 5 weeks early, so there's every possibility her little one may arrive close to my due date. She understands these feelings and is fully supportive.

Whilst everyone is different, and you know your friend best, if it were me I'd want to know. Be tactful, tell her over the phone so she doesn't have to keep face if she wants to break down (I did after hearing the gender) and let her ask questions, rather than volunteering information.