Is one baby enough?

[scruffymomma]

Hello

I'm pg with my first, so getting ahead of myself here but would appreciate opinions.

After much soul searching and talking (pre-engagement), DH changed his long held belief that he would never want another child following his DD from prev relationship - his fingers were burned but he has an involved and loving relationship with his DD and is a very hands on Dad.

he changed his mind because he knew it was very important (a dealbreaker) to me, saw that our relationship was very different to his last one etc. Now that it's happened we are both delighted to be expecting a lo next year and all is well.

The deal was though, that he would happily have one but that was to be that - no more, he'll get the snip meaning I don't have to do the pill again (thank god)

I totally appreciate his reasons for wanting to stick to one, am sooo happy that we've got this far and can see it's a reasonable position for him to take. That's what my head says......

Thing is, I'm worried that once our lo arrives, I will want another. The rational part of me knows that this is not what we agreed and I would not try to change the rules of the game by forcing him into something he doesn't want to do. However, I've seen friends yearn for second babies when the first is still tiny and it looks like the compulsion is a strong one. I'm worried I'll get it bad.

I'm not looking for ways to "make" my DH want another, just interested in how you coped with that feeling of wanting another when that desire is not shared.

Any opinions appreciated.
thanks

Hi Scruffy.
I think its important to communicate to your DH exactly what you wrote here. I do not know how far you are in your pregnancy but as somebody who has had a miscarriage, I would definitely suggest to your DH to wait with the snip until your child has been born. All the best.

Hi scruffy momma,
I was in a relationship with a much older person, who did not want any children he did not have any, i thought it was enough, the relationship broke off after four years, met my soul mate and was desperate to start a family this did not happen until after 3 years was just about to start ivf and had even paid for it, the THING is my advise is will you not resent him long term, what about what you want.I also think the snip is a bit drastic i think he needs counselling to see why it is so important not to have more kids. Oh by the way iam expecting my first in feb08.

I agree the snip is drastic. Perhaps your DH will suprise you and be the one that changes his mind. I'd wait to have the convo after the baby is born and you've got a clear picture of what it's going to be like in the future

I wonder if you could postpone discussing it with him until after your child has been born and you're used to having them as part of your new family?

I know that as soon as I had DS1 I was questioning whether we should have a 2nd, when, what kind of age gap, what were the advantages, disadvantages etc. Apparently I talked about it nonstop, until I found myself pregnant when he was 6 months old, just as I'd got to the point where I thought it probably made sense to wait a while and focus on him for a bit.

So what I'm saying is this, during the first 6 months after he was born my instinct was to start on number 2. But as I got to 6 months and realised waiting wasn't a bad idea, I fell pregnant!

So you may need to see how you feel. Also your DP may well feel differently. His last family sounds fraught and complicated. Its not likely that is the case here, he may love being with this new family so much that he wants to add to it.

Sorry I'm rambling, what I'm trying to make as a point is - don't decide now - wait and see, talk about it later. Focus on looking after yourselves during this pregnancy for now - and of course - CONGRATULATIONS, too!

oh yes, no snipping happening till after lo arrives safely, that is for sure.

I do think his reasons for not wanting another are justified, he's a bit older than me, his DD is a teen now so family no.2 will be coming along when he thought a bit of peace and quiet was on the horizon, we can all fit in our house - another baby (no.3 for him) would mean moving and really strechting ourselves financially.

BUT he's getting increasingly excited about baby so he might find himself completely loved up and ready to do it again!!

I'll just see what happens and enjoy what we've got in the mean time. Maybe the baby will be a nightmare and I'll be happy with one!

thanks
x

Hi scruffymomma congratulations on your pregnancy and best wishes for a safe delivery and healthy baby.

I can understand how you feel regarding the possibility of another baby but can equally see your DH's point of view.

Perhaps you could voice your thoughts with DH and consider 'saving' a sperm sample prior to the vasectomy? It's not something I know too much about in this situation but I do know it is done prior to treatment for men who have testicular cancer and wish to retain the option of fatherhood..

Obviously this would have to be a private arrangement, not an NHS one.

You may never use the sample, but the safety blanket of its existence may help prevent future issues.

Hope that helps.

i thought i only wanted one after the birth of dd and 5 years later changed my mind. im now on baby number 3! i think its the kind of thing where you never know what will happen or how you'll feel in a few years time.

sperm saving, that's a great idea, anyone know how you go about doing that?

Mentioned my worries to DH, kind of freaked him out that he thinks I want to change the deal (don't just wanted to talk about it) So might leave this one with him for a few weeks!
x