Shaming pregnant women for their fears

[wellIsawthatcoming]

Hi 👋,

I think I'm just needing for some moral support.

I'm in my sixth pregnancy after five previous losses over the last four years, and I feel like it's not possible for this pregnancy to happen without anxiety after what we've been through (as well as the losses there have been some pretty difficult experiences with related emergency care).

I want nothing more than to do the absolute best for my baby and so all the endless articles quoting studies that "suggest a link", or doctors/people in general just dying to tell me not to be anxious because it's bad for the baby, are really, really, really difficult to deal with when this is such an unavoidably tense time for us.

I wonder if it's possible for any woman not to be anxious in pregnancy, and it just makes me wonder what this "advice" is actually supposed to achieve? Who ever calmed down because they were told to "calm down", eh? On the one hand, it all feels pretty patriarchal and even misogynistic to me - but on the other, it scares the hell out of me and only makes any anxiety worse!

I guess I'm looking for any reassurance that anxiety or fears are normal and I won't be hurting my baby by having feelings... Honestly, it makes me feel like I'm already failing him/her and I'm a terrible mum (and I already have a fair bit of baggage around that).

Thanks for any thoughts x

Perfectly normal op. I my lself have been anxious in pregnancy as my first was premature and I was very sick, I lost my second and third. I was just expecting something to happen with my forth. As it ended in another premature baby who was very sick but is fine now.
I think fear and anxiety is normal as long it doesn't consume you or stop you from living. Then its time to seek help

I was anxious throughout my pregnancy this year, given what’s going on in the world who wouldn’t be! And that’s without everything you’ve gone through

What someone said to me was this... babies are born in war zones. Anxiety won’t hurt your baby. But what it will definitely do is rob you of the opportunity to enjoy your pregnancy. Worry or don’t worry, it’s not going to change any outcomes, but the worrying will definitely bring you unhappiness...

I kind of took the approach that I wouldn’t beat myself up for worrying but at the same time I wouldn’t lean into it or give it credence, because it was ultimately unproductive and it was just going to rob me of the pregnancy I deserved to enjoy.

Hi @wellIsawthatcoming - I know what you mean; I had DD after three miscarriages and then four rounds of IVF. It was almost impossible for me to believe I'd have a healthy, happy baby at the end of that pregnancy. Especially when I had some heavy bleeding in the first few weeks - I really thought it was game over (again), and there was no chance of relaxing after that.

I don't think there's a lot you can do about it, beyond trying some relaxation techniques - in the two week wait after embryo transfer in the successful round, I listened to a Zita West CD last thing at night, which told me to envisage my body welcoming the embryo etc. It really helped me relax and I'd often fall asleep. Maybe there's something similar for pregnancy? Bound to be. Might be worth a try, because then at least you'd feel like you're actively doing something to help the situation, which might make you feel better?

@wellIsawthatcoming I’m so sorry for your losses. I’ve had 3 miscarriages this year and am currently pregnant again (very early days) I’m absolutely petrified! I’ve just bought pregnancy after loss by Zoe clark-coates and have found it to be very helpful. Your thoughts and feelings are completely normal xxx

@Dollywilde

I was anxious throughout my pregnancy this year, given what’s going on in the world who wouldn’t be! And that’s without everything you’ve gone through

What someone said to me was this... babies are born in war zones. Anxiety won’t hurt your baby. But what it will definitely do is rob you of the opportunity to enjoy your pregnancy. Worry or don’t worry, it’s not going to change any outcomes, but the worrying will definitely bring you unhappiness...

I kind of took the approach that I wouldn’t beat myself up for worrying but at the same time I wouldn’t lean into it or give it credence, because it was ultimately unproductive and it was just going to rob me of the pregnancy I deserved to enjoy.

@Dollywilde what an amazing message! ❤️

I went through two weeks of intense anxiety bordering on complete panic during my first pregnancy because I was told DC1 was going to be born very premature and probably very sick. I remember thinking my negative emotions would harm him. He was actually a very happy, easygoing, smiley and content little baby. He is now six and still a very relaxed, happy little boy who is really good at articulating his emotions.
I no longer believe your emotions, good or bad, affect your baby. There are so many women delighted to find out they're pregnant, yet still go through pregnancy loss. There are so many women who go through horrific trauma during pregnancy and end up having healthy babies. There is actually not that much we can do to determine the outcome of a pregnancy. Even things that do statistically affect the outcome of a pregnancy, such as taking folic acid, only make a small difference - the vast majority of women who don't take folic acid will still have a healthy baby.

I hope your pregnancy goes smoothly, wishing you all the best!

I was incredibly panicky and anxious with ds1 , the start had been brutal and for a variety of good reasons the first 12 weeks were on a knife edge and I was terrified permanently extremely worried and anxious. We celebrated his 8th birthday a couple of weeks ago and he is healthy and happy. (There is SEN but there is an absolutely clear genetic link...nothing to do with pregnancy).

Ds2 I spent half my time in hospital and the end was filled with some seriously traumatic times.i am being vague not to add to any anxiety. The end was bloody horrific. We celebrated his 5th birthday yesterday and he is a disgustingly healthy rambunctious neuro typical child. I mean honestly that child is about as resilient as you can get ,my bigger fear with him is that he may be destined for world domination and I'm more concerned for the world than him. He is not remotely anxious (actually wish he would be just a tiny bit anxious about attempting to throw himself off of things , or ride his bike faster than usain bolt can run).

It affects you more than them I promise. As a pp said ,it robs you of the enjoyment of pregnancy. I promise it is less than zero indication of being a bad mum.

I'm naturally an anxious person and being pregnant rammed that up to max- I was constantly on knicker-watch, convinced something bad would happen. It didn't. I only really relaxed once babies were born but even then, the first couple of years were tough with me thinking about all the bad things that could happen. No advice but a hug of solidarity and strength.

So sorry for your losses

My mum was born in the middle of a war to a mum who had to watch her bloke fly off every day in a bomber. If women couldn't bear children with anxiety and fear, the human race would die out.

Look after yourself, breathe and don't read those articles. If you want a laugh about silly articles

Totally get what you mean. I’ve experienced many losses and I’m now 38 weeks. The thing I hated the most was when people would say things like “don’t worry insert concern only happens to 1-2% of women” when I have been in that 1-2% many times. It just made things worse.

Thank you all SO much for sharing and taking the time to reply to me; I think these feelings will probably remain a companion in pregnancy, but you've all made me feel a little better about it, and definitely less alone. Thank you.

@Sallyjo27, thank you for the recommendation; I've ordered a copy of Pregnancy After Loss - it sounds as though it could be really comforting.