Pregnant with second child and miserable about it

[Mumsy89]

Hi All, after trying for 10 years my partner and I were lucky and got pregnant with DD who is now 16 months old and is the light of my life. Yesterday I found out I was pregnant and have done nothing but cry, not eat and not sleep - I am not happy about being pregnant again in the slightest, there is no elation and I'm full of dread on how I'm going to cope. Despite me telling my partner that I don't think I can do this he is just over the moon and wants the second baby I feel so trapped and alone. I appreciate this is my doing as I didn't use protection. I'm completely lost and don't know what to do or how I will manage with 2 under 3 - I have no family close by and my partner works away for a third of the year :(.

Having one child is the biggest change in your life! Having the second one is a much smaller change.

When children are closer in age they then tend to be closer, entertain each other and play with the same toys.

From personal experience and talking with others, I would say that if a small part of you would like another child you should listen to it! Are you 100% averse to it?

Going ahead with the pregnancy isn't your only option.

I'm not in the same position but I do have a 13mo and can imagine how daunting it must feel to consider the possibility of adding number two.
Ask yourself this: what is upsetting you the most about the prospect?

Do you feel it is the increased work burden? Or the impact it may have on DC1 / your career? Are you concerned about your mental health?

Maybe write a list of what you're concerned about most and then you and your partner can discuss the list one by one.

Maybe considering daycare for DC1, hiring a nanny or cleaner (if affordable), making a rota with DH for different tasks etc. would be worth considering?

You mention how long it took to conceive DC1. How would you feel if you didn't go ahead with this pregnancy and when you were ready for DC2 you struggled to conceive again?

I don't know what you should do but these are the things I'd be thinking about. Hope you get some clarity, it's not an easy decision x

Ahhhh i absolutely feel for you. If you don't want another baby, don't have one.

But, it's worth bearing in mind that in 7 or 8 months time when the new baby would be born, your DD will be 2, and a completely different child.

Run the numbers - childcare, mat leave, babysitters etc.

My concerns are:
1.I'm already part time at work and love my job and really don't want to have to cut my hours any more.

1. I don't think I have any more love to give another child, mentally and emotionally I'm at max with my daughter, motherhood didn't come naturally to me unfortunatly
2. I'm worried about the adverse effect it will have on my relationship with my partner, we're hardly intimate when he is home as we're both so tired so add another small child on top and I can kiss pur love life goodbye.
3. Financially now we are stable (ish) bit I fear another person in the household would alter that.
4. I did not feel a glimpse of joy since I found out I was pregnant, I cried myself to sleep wishing it would all go away

Is it just the fact that you'll find it hard to cope that's making you feel down about the pregnancy?

I am in a similar position. Except I was actually ttc my second child that's now on the way. When I found out, a wave of negative emotions came over me - how am I going to manage? The newborn stage nearly broke me. What if I don't love this child as much as my first? What if my first feels pushed out because he will no longer be the centre of our attention? I felt dreadfully sad about "starting all over again" as I've only quite recently started feeling completely myself. I'm also mourning the pregnancy I had with my first as I could really take care of myself. I'm worried that won't happen this time around.

I say all that to say this - while I know it's scary times ahead and the early stages will be hard. I think it will be worth it in the end. Maybe you could feel the same? Your siblings could have an incredible bond. Your unborn child is not a person yet but they will grow and develop a personality you love. Siblings tend to entertain one another so it will take the pressure of feeling your current only child needs playing with and frequent attention. Have you always just wanted one child. Personally, I knew I wanted 2 so I'm glad to be getting the tough stage out the way. It doesn't take away from the fact that I am now shitting myself that this is actually happening! But I reckon in a year's time I'll feel content and happy with the family I created. It's just going to take some time to adjust.

If you really don't want this, please don't feel forced into going ahead with things.

OP I’m currently pregnant with number 2 and already have a child under 1 so I get you, I really do. It’s scary and overwhelming. My DH works long hours on varying shift, often working nights...etc. I worry a lot about how I’ll cope. I am lucky enough to have some local family though.

Best advice I can give is discuss this VERY clearly with you DH. Make it clear that you are not ‘just saying’ this and that right now you are not certain about continuing with the pregnancy (if you’re not) I would make it a bit of a negotiation.

I’m afraid he can’t just put it all on you whilst he works away and hide behind ‘but I really want this baby’ that’s VERY easy to say when it has minimal impact on you and the weight will be carried predominantly by someone else.

I agreed to TTC again on the basis that DH would do more, regardless of shift work...etc he had to still get up in the night and do all those things. Many will look at our situation and say ‘well he goes to work so he shouldn’t get up on a night’ but the reality was I wasn’t prepared to take on two under 2 basically single handed. If he wanted a second (and he really did) he had a choice, step up and do more regardless of being tired or stick at one child and get to sleep through the night. He’s made his choice and I will hold him to it.

Sorry just read your second post.

All of these concerns are valid. Have you told your partner about all of your concerns rather than just saying you don't think you can do this? If you've mentioned specific concerns, has he come up with solutions? These are things definitely worth talking about in detail 💐.

My first two children have the same gap, they are now 5 and 7.

It was certainly hard to start with, but I can’t say how much I love both (and I had another one after that!). I also couldn’t understand how I could love another child when I had just one. But I just love them all so much and they are completely different wonderful people.
With regard to the other issues - totally outsource as much other stuff as possible. You can still go back to work - it’s expensive for a while but maybe not too long if your older one becomes eligible for free childcare. No need to give up or reduce work.

Your child is now still a baby but will grow and change so quickly so it won’t be like it is now, 2 year olds (as your child would be when your second arrives) do of course need lots of time and attention but are more and more independent as time goes on.

I felt the same when I found out I was expecting my second, my DD is nearly 5 so I don't even have the small gap to worry about but now I'm worried the gap is too large! I did consider a termination, even went to the appointment but it didn't feel "right" so I had to go with my gut and just hope for the best.

If you decide to keep it maybe you will feel better as the pregnancy progresses? I'm still not over the moon at almost 20 weeks but feel heaps better than I did at your stage now I can eat and have some energy etc.

You have to do whatever is best for you in this situation, take some time to really think about what you want for life in the future and go from there

Well I have messaged my partner exactly how I feel (he's working away so wasn't able to do it face to face and it was eating away at me so had to get it off my chest) I know for my wellbeing and my daughter's that this isn't the right time and my only option is to terminate the pregnancy, hopefully my partner will support my decision but even if he doesn't I can't be swayed. Thank you all for your help and comments xxx

So sorry you have to make this tough decision. I would say you only found out a day ago please give yourself a bit longer to think it over. But at the end of the day its your body, your life and your husband has to understand that but by the sounds of it this wont be easy for him. Good Luck

I see where you are coming from OP. I can't imagine how tough it would be to have a partner working away so much with a newborn and toddler in the mix. I hope you can feel a sense if relief now that you've made a decision and I hope your partner supports you with this 💐

Well done OP, that can't have been easy.

Hi Everyone - just an update to say that whilst my partner is saddened by my decision he has said he will support me in whatever I decide, I have my consultancy booked next week as well as counselling- thank you all again for taking time out to help me xxx

Ohh dear, I am so sorry to hear that. Really sorry... I am pretty sure the love you would have feel for your second child would be far enough for you to keep going but it is your life and body after all...my little one was 1 two weeks ago, since he was born I always dreamed of being pregnant again. Just loved it for some reason... few months ago I thought I am pregnant as my period was late. I felt so excited but also I got shocked... I couldn't imagine how I would share the only love I feel for my boy...(I told it to my sis -she has two boys-she looked at me like I am a wierdo or what) but I feel for you. I also know that a second child would end my relationship with daddy....but they are my children,I would not care, I would still want it... in few years time, it all going to change sooo much you can't even imagine how much. I just hope you can make the right decision and won't regret it later on x
Take care 💕

I was devastated when I found out I was carrying my second. I had such a traumatic pregnancy with my first that I was dreading doing it again and didn't know how I'd cope with a newborn and a 17month old.

I went to therapy due to how depressed I got.

When dd2 was born, the first few weeks were tough as dd1 was still basically a baby but once we settled into a routine, it got so much easier.

Dd2 is an absolute joy and makes my heart melt on an hourly basis. I love her more than I imagined I could.

The decision is ultimately yours but I would definitely recommend talking therapy.

I hope this helps xx

Sorry I didn't read your later comments before I posted mine.

I hope you're ok xx

All the best OP
seems you've made the right choice for you
FWIW, id have made same choice