Pregnancy and grief.. how do I do this..

[BessieBye]

Morning
I recently lost someone extremely dear to me. My heart aches every second of the day and I am struggling to eat properly (I’m still eating, just not the best stuff) and I’m struggling to sleep.
I’m scared I’m gonna burn myself out and hurt this baby, but I have no idea what else to do.
Luckily I have an extremely supportive family, but I live quite a drive away so struggle to see them all the time and because I work from home I am having little human contact. Not to mention covid is stressing me out to the maximum - not because I’m scared for me, but because I’m scared for vulnerable people in my family.

I honestly feel like breaking down every second of the day. I have even forgotten I’m pregnant often this last week which hurts my head and heart (I’m 15 weeks with my first, so could be easy to forget when you can’t see or feel anything). I want to look forward to this baby, I still love it obviously, but I want to treasure every moment

Was wondering if anyone went through similar and had any advice? I’m exhausted from the worry and upset 😢

@BessieBye I’m really sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time. Do you live with the baby’s dad?

I have not lost anyone close to me during pregnancy, but I had a very difficult first trimester due to previous losses and risks associated with this pregnancy. I have felt sad many times that the first part of my pregnancy wasn’t filled with excitement - it was one of the hardest most anxious times of my life. Please try not to beat yourself up about how you’re feeling. You’re doing your best in an awful situation and your baby will be fine.

Keep trying to do the basic things like eating and sleeping like you are. Can you get some bereavement counselling too? You can google this or your GP can signpost you. The way you’re feeling is horrible and all consuming but completely normal. You will feel better with time and you will love and treasure your little baby. X x x x x x

I haven’t lost anyone whilst pregnant, but my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer when I was in the third trimester.

I cried at least once every day for the last months of my pregnancy. And it was difficult. But I had a beautiful, healthy and very calm baby boy. And now he’s a lovely 12 year old, thoughtful and kind.

I still cried every day, until he was around 6 months old. But it didn’t take away my love for him, or the wonder and joy of his new life.

Please try not to worry about your baby, just concentrate on getting through the early days of your grief. Try to eat when you can, and take vitamins.

Oh honey I’m sorry. I haven’t experienced anything similar but didn’t want to read and run. Could you take some compassionate leave from work and go stay with family for a bit when lockdown lifts and if local restrictions then allow? There’s a clause in the tier rules for care of a vulnerable person and pregnancy classes you as vulnerable - coupled with the mental toll grief takes I don’t think anyone would argue with that if you need their support xx

I’m sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time. I’m 15 weeks pregnant and my dad passed away the week my husband and I found out we were expecting.
It has been really difficult. I was so happy to have this amazing thing happen but then utterly heartbroken because I had lost my dad, who I was extremely close to.
I was numb for weeks. I felt guilty for not being overjoyed about having a baby and guilty when I dared to enjoy a moment of it. I go through waves of extreme happiness to deep lows and crying. I also got extremely worried that I was going to cause harm to the baby for how bad I felt during those lows.
You need to rest and rely on those around you for support if you can. My husband picked up a lot of things around the house and made sure I was eating, and just let me get through the days. I am an avid cook, but I couldn’t face making anything (not even cereal) for the first two months.
Please be kind to yourself and try to accept help from those around you, and I know this is hard to do so, but ask for it too. It will get easier, but losing someone and being pregnant are difficult emotions to juggle. Take care x

Evening everyone.. thank you so much for your supportive words. I do feel like I need to speak to people that don’t know me personally about my situation, too many emotions are flying all over the place.

@Muriel84 I do live with baby’s dad yes, he has done everything I have needed him to this last and also said the right things, although he has been upset also. Such a great man I am truly lucky.
So sorry to hear about your losses, you must be an incredibly strong lady. Thank you for your lovely words.

@BlueistheNewme I am so sorry to hear about your Mum. I can’t even begin to imagine how it feels to receive that news. Especially at such a vulnerable and emotional time of your life anyway..
Thank you for sharing your positive baby story. Glad you have one healthy sweetheart who you can treasure ❤️

@jamie980 I am very lucky that work are understanding and gave me a week to grieve but I went back today as needed some routine.. the days and hours were moulding into one. I lost my Grandad after a year long illness. He was only 69. To me that is no age and I’m bouncing between utter heartbreak and anger at the unfairness of it all. I’m 26 and him & my Gran pretty much looked after me and my sister from being 3 months old. The bond was like no other. Less people have a close relationship with grandparents than say parents, siblings and their own children, so I am pleased work acknowledged my relationship with him as being incredibly important. Seeing him suffer was hard on me but I stayed strong for his mental health also. No matter how much you prepare for the ‘end’, it was still an utter devastating shock. Not to mention this was the first time my sister and I have lost a close family member. Sorry I am rambling.. but talking about him is really comforting. But I am making sure I am seeing my Gran, I work from home and rarely have been out in the last few weeks due to lockdown so I’m pretty safe. We distance but she needs the company and so do I.. I suppose she is now a single person who can bubble so not breaking any rules. Thank you for your message and sorry for rambling!!

@Bananas52 I am so so sorry to hear about your dad. My deepest sympathies with you and your family. I can empathise completely with your experience of feeling heartbroken but also having something to look forward to (baby). I don’t know about you but my mind plays tricks on me and makes me feel guilty that I should be positive about anything. But I know my Grandad would want me to focus on my baby and that powers me through the hardest moments. You sound like you have a very supportive husband, I imagine that helps ease the load of additional pressures on too of the grief and heartbreak.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and all of you please take care 😘 xxx

Hi Bessie, I read your post and had to reply, unfortunately I have gone through this situation, my sister tragically passed away unexpectedly when I was about the same stage as you in pregnancy. My Sincere Sympathy to you on the passing of your grandad . I can only really speak of my own experience but after the initial terrible shock had subsided I was (despite everything) able to continue on, take care of myself and see the light in life once again. I was reassured by many midwifes and a very sympathetic consultant that the grief would not cause my baby any harm and this was completely the case. Everyone told me at the time to make sure I took care of myself and I did my best to give myself as much of a break as I could. It’s an old cliche but time is a great healer and in time you will heal even though at the moment it will feel so raw. When I think of my sister I know that she would only ever wish happiness for me and that gives me such strength. When my DS arrived he was such a blessing, he gave me so much joy, it was such a healing experience. When grief happens your whole body aches, mind and soul but you are stronger then you think and you will find your way to happiness again xx

@BessieBye I’m so very sorry, that is very young to lose him. He sounds like a wonderful man and clearly you had a very special relationship with him. You’re not rambling don’t worry. If it helps to get it all out, that’s what we’re here for. If you want to tell us more about him please feel free, I’m all ears. Glad you can see your grandma, it sounds like you both need to lean on each other. Totally understand routine is helpful and glad work have been understanding with you. Go easy on yourself and know that a little piece of your granddad will always live on in your baby xx

I am sorry for your loss Bessie

You will be grieving and that can't be helped, just take care of yourself as much as you can. You are so right that your Grandad would want you to be as well as you can and focus on your baby, and right now you are doing the most important thing you could be doing for him, caring for yourself and the little one. You are bringing a little bit of him into the world as a PP said. X