Pregnancy reminds me of cancer

[MsHedgehog]

This is aimed more for those who have had cancer and treatment for it.

I’m 33 and 19+6 with my first. This pregnancy is such a blessing for us as DH and I were mentally prepared (as much as we could be) for never getting pregnant because of my medical history, so we really have been counting our lucky stars.

When I was 20 I had advanced bowel cancer. I had multiple operations, a temporary stoma, developed a life threatening infection that left me critical and then 6 months of chemotherapy. I have always been very matter of fact about it, in that yeah it was a horrible thing to go through but I got through it and I’m fine. I have never had any qualms talking about it and moved on from it all very easily.

But so much of my pregnancy reminds me of chemotherapy, and I find myself struggling that I’m actually wondering if I have some form of PTSD that has manifested and been triggered by the pregnancy 13 years later. My morning sickness is fine now but it was so bad during weeks 7/8 to 12/13 that I felt I was going through chemotherapy again I actually wonder if I had HG). The constant nausea, the non stop throwing up all times of the day, the horrible metallic taste in my mouth that wouldn’t go away, not being able to eat, not being able to drink, the exhaustion, the emotions. It all felt so familiar and mentally that was hard.

I also suffer from bowel incontinence after all my surgeries and I can usually handle it. But the past few days have been bad that I feel like I am again reliving my experience when I was 20.

What’s upset me today is the Pregnacare Max! I started taking it last week instead of just folic acid and vitamin D and taking three big tablets at once is tough. The tablets are the same size as the chemo drugs I was on and taking one after another after another reminds me of taking the chemo drugs. I plan to stop using it.

I was just wondering if anyone else has found pregnancy has ended up being a trigger for them. I never had any issues at all for the past 13 years and suddenly I feel like I’m a cancer patient again. I know I need to speak to my doctor about this, but it would be helpful to know about other people’s experiences. Did anyone else get a sense of deja vu from being pregnant? Just want to know if I should start accepting that I may actually have some form of PTSD that I’ve suppressed all this time and it has finally come through!

I can't comment on your set of experiences, which sound tough.

Trauma on the other hand I am pretty familiar with. It is very common for people to have delayed traumatic responses, and what you describe sounds like trauma.

It may naturally resolve now it's been reactivated and you are in a safe time.

Flashbacks and intrusive memories happen when the brain is trying to process the traumatic memories (trauma memories don't get filed into your normal memories and instead get stuck in an entirely different part of the brain - because they're not processed they also don't get tagged as "past" so when they're reactivated your brain thinks it is happening right now.)

Dissociation and disconnection from the traumatic experience is fairly inherent to trauma. It's one of the consequences of the brain perceiving a threat and switching on the more primitive parts of the brain for survival. Not being able to feel is the brain's last ditch attempt to protect us from inescapable threat/trauma. It enabled you to get through.

The three keys to managing trauma symptoms are safety (feeling safe, reminding yourself 'that is gone in the past' etc), reducing arousal (anxiety/fear/distress) with soothing activities, and connecting to the present (e.g. listing out everything you can see or hear around you). If you can use those each time a memory intrudes it will help you to bear it and help your brain with processing.

Understanding trauma can be really comforting too as it takes away the uncertainty or sense of "going crazy" .

I hope it eases up for you and your brain finishes categorising it all as "past" and puts it in the archives. I wish you all the best.

I agree this seems to be triggering old unresolved trauma. Can you speak to your GP or ask for a mental health midwife? The bar locally for a mental health midwife seems pretty low- I was told just to say if I wanted to see one and that was because I had a history of anxiety (circumstantial, work related) on my GP record from a few years previously!

EMDR is an amazing trauma processing therapy but usually isn't done during pregnancy unless it's considered that the benefits outweigh the possible risks (mainly around increasing stress levels) but there are a lot of other talking therapy options you could engage with now.

I haven't had the same experiences as you but I have had terrible sickness in this pregnancy and it really brought back memories of how nauseous my dad was when he was having chemo. He died 3 years ago of cancer and I found myself dwelling on that a lot, thinking that this is similar to how he must have been feeling except I have a "happy" reason for it so should pull myself together. A lot of traumatic memories are very linked to physical feelings, so it's not surprising that your body has made links between past and present experiences and is setting off alarm signals about something you consciously thought you were ok with. The Body Keeps the Score is an amazing book about this.x

Oh my goodness, I know exactly what you mean! I almost cried reading your post. I’m 33 weeks pregnant and my treatment was very recent (May 2019). I didn’t need a stoma, but I had reconstructive bowel surgery and it was brutal, my tumour was on my colon. I have been suffering with constipation and my op site is so painful, I’ve flat out refused to take iron tablets as I just can’t mentally face them. This is my second pregnancy, so I was very relaxed about supplements, I only took folic acid until week 12. Just stop taking your pregnacare hun and if you’re worried, try really hard to improve your diet. I eat healthily usually but I’ve been so controlled this time knowing I’m not taking any tablets. I have to force myself to eat veg but I know it’s necessary!
I had a really low week about 3 weeks ago, I literally cried non-stop. I had a midwife appointment and I could tell she was worried as I could barely speak, I couldn’t even really articulate what I was feeling. I think it just hit me, the fear of nearly dying and also the mental and a physical exhaustion of recovery. She recommended that I call the gp to get some therapy and I will but weirdly the closer I get to my due date, I am slowly feeling better. I’m really excited to meet my baby now, looking forward is making things easier. In a way I actually think it will be a healing process.

Are you having a c section? Feel free to message directly xx