Hi,
This is my first post and sorry it's going to be rambly. I think I just need a bit of reassurance (or people to tell me I'm being ridiculous and to call the abortion clinic now).
Last year I had a lot of very stressful big life events happen at once and my husband was completely unsupportive. During the first lockdown I managed to actually rest for a couple of weeks and got the strength together to split up with my husband.
Even tho it was my decision we had been together 10 years and I've found it so much harder than I thought I would, plus having to deal with selling our house which I can't afford on my own, and still dealing with the fallout of everything that happened last year.
I was severely depressed for a few months after we broke up.
While we were still together I fell in love with one of my friends. Nothing happened when I was still with my husband but we got together straight after. So, that was 6 months ago, and I am 7+2 with my first pregnancy (accidental).
I am 37 and was resigned to the fact that motherhood wasn't for me and there are a lot of reasons why I had decided I didn't want kids. Main one being scared that I would lose the baby or they would have something wrong with them. My sister has autism, ADHD and learning and behavioural difficulties and my parents lost their first child when he was 9 weeks old (9 week old baby, not 9 weeks into pregnancy). I saw how those things affected their lives and I didn't want my life to be as sad or stressful. Growing up with my sister was awful for me and I just couldn't face having to live with someone like her again.
The thing is being pregnant shocked me out of my depression and I don't know if it was the hormones but I just felt good for the first time in ages, like I had been given the opportunity for something amazing to happen after so much shit.
However, hormones must have worn off as now I'm back to reality. I have recurring severe depression (although I was doing quite well before last year), partner has bipolar type 2. We both work part time due to our mental health and I am a freelancer so work is very unreliable. I also didn't qualify for any covid help due to being on PAYE with my main client and not sure what my situation would be for maternity pay as when I put it in the calculator online it said I wouldn't get anything. As I said I am currently selling the home I shared with my ex but after costs I won't be left with much.
I am lucky to have a Mum who I'm sure would help me financially if I have the baby, and my partner's family live nearby and would help practically and financially.
But this week he told me that for the first couple of weeks, he wanted me to miscarry. He said he still feels like that sometimes. This upset me a lot and even tho he has apologised (for telling me, not for thinking it) I just can't shake the fact that he wanted something horrible to happen to me and baby. He is also just so self-centred, because of his illness but it's still hard to deal with. I am just not sure that I can be with this person and have a baby with them. I never ever would have chosen it but now it's happened and I am pretty sure I want to have the baby but the thought of being a single parent is so scary, and the thought of being tied to him forever. Like I do still love him but his behaviour is difficult and I was struggling with it when I thought it was just going to be me, let alone with baby. I don't have any family around who could help me, I don't have anywhere to live, I don't have much money and never will, and I often get depressed and want to die. That's another reason why I didn't want kids as I find life really hard anyway – when I get enough sleep and time to myself!
So yeah I guess if anyone has a positive experience when they have had the baby despite not great circumstances/not being sure you want a baby/not being sure you want to have a baby with the person who got you pregnant, that would be great! Please be nice as I am already a mess 