So scared to get excited

[bloomety]

I am 40 and after trying for 2 years and 2 miscarriages later, I am finally 12 weeks pregnant. I am just so scared still to get excited. I’ve only told my Mum and DH. I’m scared to tell anyone who will be excited for me as I feel I’ll lose it then. Both times I told family and friends and I lost them - before 7 weeks.

I know logically it didn’t happen because I told people but I can’t shake that feeling.

I had my 12 week scan yesterday and I was crying as I felt so sorry for this little baby flipping about all happy. It’s Mummy can’t let herself believe in it. Who is backing this little one if I can’t?

Can anyone offer any advice whose been in a similar situation? I want to start being happy but I’m so scared that will mean something going wrong.

No advice @bloomety but I have everything crossed that this little bean is a sticky one xx

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I had a miscarriage and then became pregnant with identical twins. It's quite a high risk pregnancy so I struggled to enjoy it and I was quite worried. I think how you feel is completely normal.

After all my worry our babies were delivered safely. I sometimes wish I had enjoyed the pregnancy more but I think it can sometimes be easier said than done!

As you know getting to 12 weeks is a really positive milestone so if you can, try and take some comfort in that.

Also consider talking to your midwife about how you feel. The midwives and doctors that looked after us were actually a great support when I chatted about some of my concerns.

@bloomety similar to you I had 2 MC after 3 years TTC and it feels like I have been trying to get PG, having tests, having scans, being PG, grieving lost babies while coming off hormones forever. It's a lot. And it really knocks your confidence.

Congratulations on your 12 week scan. I mean that. It's fantastic that it went well! I cried at mine as well - so shocked that it was alive in there. I also haven't told people other than my Mum and a close friend who supported my through my 2nd MC. I'm waiting until after the 20 week scan to tell other people. Halfway just feels less like tempting fate to me but it might be different for you. It definitely makes it more lonely with no-one to talk to so honestly I don't know if it's the right decision or not.

I don't have the answer I'm afraid. I'm 18 weeks now and I still struggle to get excited and continually worry. Things I am doing that help a bit:

1 - I am having counselling. I was properly broken after the 2nd MC (we'd seen HB at 8 weeks) and couldn't really function. I've kept the counselling going so I have someone to tell all my thoughts to! I'm lucky I can afford to do it but it's really useful to unpick the craziness.

2 - Counting in weeks. I haven't even thought past the 20 week scan. I've been really open with my midwife about how I feel and why and she lets me go to see her more often. At 16 weeks she let me hear my baby's heartbeat and then again at 18 weeks. 2 week blocks give me more manageable dates to work toward. I have another appt at 22 weeks, 2 weeks after 20 week scan. It took me ages to convince myself that this isn't just me being frivolous and using up NHS resources. I actually need this to cope.

3 - Distractions. Walks. Cooking. Music. Video games. Anything that gives me 10 minutes out of my own head.

4 - Hope. I actually wrote down "It is OK to have hope" in marker pen at one point! I'm still working on it but try to remember that having hope (or not) will not change anything at all and let myself have good moments and enjoy them.

5 - Talking to DH. He's way more excited than me and I need to see that! As soon as I start to worry I have to tell him so he can tell me I'm not being rational and it doesn't become a big thing in my head. This is pretty much daily... He's a saint. He really is!

I don't know if any of that helps but know that you aren't alone! You're doing everything you can for your little one - you're worried because you care about them so much and that's understandable and means you will step up when you need to. Try not to judge yourself harshly and hopefully it will get easier with time. That's what I'm hoping anyway! Sorry - long message!

Thanks @Legolight. I know I wish I could enjoy it. The first time I was pregnant with my son I just assumed everything would be fine! I wish I could have that certainty again. Congratulations on your twins! Yes I keep telling myself I’m at 12 weeks, it’s a great milestone, then I’ll see a post about a mc at 16 weeks or something and panic that I’m not safe yet .

Oh @Mimba1 thank you so much for taking the time to write that post. I will speak to my MW and ask her if I can do the same. I bought a home Doppler but it’s too early to hear anything yet.

Hope. That’s what I’m scared of it. Odd isn’t it? I feel if I hope, or even say, buy an item
for the baby, fate is going to teach me a lesson .

Well I think it’s a good thing for me we have this 4 week lockdown now. I might tell friends and family after that. At least it gives me 4 more weeks. I need to believe in this little one though. It goes back to the hole thing. I need to stop being scared of fate.

I completely understand where you're coming from and I was the same. I'd take a little comfort in getting to 12 weeks and then panic again.

You've had some great advice above and I'd echo that finding distractions and focusing on the next milestone really helps.

I also found once I was showing and I could feel the babies moving that gave me comfort.

I had this chat with a friend recently who also had two miscarriages and we both agreed the fear never really leaves you. I think you adapt to living with it.

Best of luck and feel free to pop back here if you're ever having a wobble and want to chat.

Thanks @Legolight. That’s actually quite comforting to know that the fear never leaves. Ive been focusing on how to make it go away and maybe I need to just accept it. Yes once I can feel the baby moving I’ll feel much better. It’s an anterior placenta though so I won’t feel things til a bit later.

I’ve read online that my chance of mc now is just 2%. It doesn’t seem to make any difference to my anxiety though!

what did I miss?

Just to warn you - it can be super hard to find a HB with a doppler! That's why they dont recommend using one at home. Just in case you cabt find it and dret- doesnt mean there is a single thing wrong!

The friend I mentioned is now almost 37 weeks with her second child. Again, easy to say but try and seek out the positive stories too. They can sometimes help.

I can totally relate- I had 2 miscarriages before this pregnancy (one early mc, one MMC) and when I found out this time I basically just didn’t let myself think about an actual baby. I did everything right in terms of what I was eating and drinking, folic acid etc but didn’t even think about there being a baby. It seemed to help me cope. I had a private scan at 8 weeks and then I felt so guilty that there was a baby there that I had basically been ignoring! But I still didn’t really let myself believe it until 12 week scan. Now it is feeling more real and we have told people and are starting to feel more excited, but it is hard. I also had a panic that somehow by telling people it would now go wrong! But actually telling people has helped me to feel more excited and positive.

I do feel like I’ve lost that natural excitement I had with my first baby. Unfortunately I think once you’ve had a loss the fear will always be there but we just have to find ways to manage it. Wishing you all the best OP.

Bloomety I was just the same, pg post 40 after mc, cried at 13 week scan, put off telling most people til after 20 week scan, same irrational fear that telling people would make things go wrong because of previous experience. Midwife told me relax and enjoy it now after 13 week scan but I couldn't. We paid for a private scan at 18 weeks which helped allay worries. Now 23 weeks and the movements are so reassuring, at last I can talk and think about pregnancy a bit without feeling so stressed I get sick. Still not buying any baby stuff, but starting to think about it. Take it a day at a time, you will get there and the worries will ease along the way.

Thanks ladies. It’s good to know it’s normal to feel this way and to link the telling people with something going wrong. Also good to hear everything’s been fine since you have told people.

I think once I do start telling people I’ll realise it’s ok. I told my mum last week and nothing happened. I might tell my friend next week.

I can’t wait til there’s movements! I will relax a lot more then.