So trapped!

[NotAloneButLonely]

Not sure where to even begin and was completely unsure if this should be here or in the relationships pages. Obviously name changed because I am utterly embarrassed to be in this situation.

I am 9 weeks pregnant with a bit of a surprise baby. Myself and my long term OH (10 years, lives together for 2+) had spoken about children and made a rough life plan to TTC over the next year or so - and I’d always said I’d like a spring baby so TTC for a few months in 2021 (to be due spring 22), have a break and then TTC again to be due spring 23).

Anyway - life happened and here I am, expecting a year earlier than planned. Yes it’s early but when are you ever ever ready and this is all I’ve ever wanted out of my future and I’ve always been clear in that. We’d planned the way we had to suit his career - although we are both currently stable in our jobs and comfortable financially.

Anyway - he doesn’t want this baby and feels I have trapped him. He asked me repeatedly to have a termination for the first two weeks - to which I resisted (again, always been clear that this is something I could never ever do personally - although no judgement for anyone who makes that choice if it’s right for them).
He’s continued for the past 5 weeks to make me miserable - although accepting that we are having this baby - by refusing to share any joy or have any kind of conversation about anything in this pregnancy.

I have asked him to leave and give me some space - but he says the only way he will leave is if I have a ToP. I own our home - he pays me some money every month towards the bills and is a shared occupant on the council tax bill.
And if I don’t have a ToP he is fully intending to stay here and make it appear to the outside world that he is a loving and supportive partner and daddy... whilst actually making me miserable.

I am fully aware this is potentially coercive behaviour and quite a toxic relationship and if it was my sister or cousin or whatever in this situation I’d be quite clearly telling them to end it ... but it’s not so clear cut when it’s you on the other side is it!?

I so want to enjoy this pregnancy and nurture our baby!

Possibly morally iffy, but I'd tell him I'd gone through with the termination so he fucks off and then raise the baby alone. Whatever you do don't put him on the birth certificate.

It's your house. I'd pack his things and change the locks.

Do you have any male family members who could be there for support? Men like your partner tend to become meek in the presence of other men when their failings are outed.

It is your house, you are in a strong position. Change the locks and pack his things. If he gets aggressive then call the police. He has no right to be in the house, even if he is named on the council tax bill. Don't let him intimidate you into letting him stay. Its his own damn fault for making himself homeless.

Do not let him force you into a termination. I'm pro choice. Its about it being a CHOICE. You know you don't want a termination, and that's the end of it. Him threatening to make your life miserable while pretending to be nice to the outside world is utterly despicable, so cold and calculating. I never usually jump into threads with a LTB, but he has shown you his true character there.

Good luck, please take care. And congratulations

Chuck him out, he's no legal right to be there plus it's clear he's going to make your life a misery.

I have no idea how to go about getting him out. He’s WFH and I’m the one physically going out to work. I absolutely know I can’t carry on like this and I’m at the end of my tether.

@NotAloneButLonely
I am so sorry to read that you are going through this. Please seek help. Maybe you could speak to your GP who could give advice or point you in the right direction? There’s an organisation called refuge which helps those in domestically violent relationships but it also helps those in a coercive or controlling environment. There is absolutely no excuse for that type of behaviour and please don’t let him coerce you into a termination that you could live to regret - which can cause further issues down the line. Please stay safe I’ll be thinking of you xx

Your partner is an arsehole tell him he leaves of his own volition now or you'll call the police. If you explain to the police you're in an abusive relationship and he's trying to coerce you into a termination and won't leave your house they should despatch officers to you, perhaps not immediately but hopefully same day. If he's not on the mortgage, you're not married and he hasn't a tennancy agreement he's no right to be there and I'm assuming he has the means to put himself up in a hotel for a few days. You can then get the locks changed and arrange to pack the rest of his things up as and when.
If you're fearful he'll be violent jump straight to calling the police. Good luck

Gather his stuff together and put it outside. Call the police if he doesn't go.

Sounds pretty horrible. I think I’d want him to move out so I could have a bit of space to think about things.

Can you wait until he’s out then get the locks changed and put his stuff outside? Maybe get a friend or family member to stay with you for moral support. If he gets aggressive call the police.

Sorry this happening to you

Tell him if he’s not out by a deadline - say, a week - you’ll call the police. Put it in a text or an email so you have a record of the date. And follow through.

I’m utterly gobsmacked that a guy you’ve been with for 10 years has said “you’ve trapped him” 10 years???

I actually had to go back and read that bit again as I thought I had read it wrong and it said 10 months.

Get him out your house, he can’t stay inside forever, get him out for even an hour, pack his bags, call locksmith and be done with it.

Please contact women’s aid and get some advice and support on what to do.

You are in a very strong position here- you own your home and have a career.

Do you have some real life support? Can your Dad/ brother/ family help you make him physically leave?

@NotAloneButLonely how are you OP? Any update? Xx

As others have said. Tell him to leave or you will call the police and then do it. Get someone round to be with you. So pleased you own your home. Call woman's aid to. Major alarm bells with what he has said to you. Not normal behaviour. Hope you are ok. X

He sounds unpredictable- if actually go straight to the police and ask their assistance to get him removed. Sorry he’s such a test but better you know now than when baby is born.

I’m 8 weeks pregnant and the father has buggered off abroad back to his ex-wife and mother of his teenage children. Also felt I’d trapped him. Erm no mate it took two of us to have sex

Test = twat

Have you had your midwife booking in appointment yet? I'd mention this to her as they can get you the help.

I request a early one if not. He sounds like you're better off without him and he has a lot of bloody growing up to do!

Accidentally snap the wifi wire when he is working and you're 'hoovering' so he has to work elsewhere and lock him out!

Hi Ladies,

So sorry I didn’t come back to update you.
Things had been much better for a few weeks and then I ended up having a meltdown with his lack of interest in an appointment.

I have opened up a bit to family and friends so absolutely have the support if I need to do this.

Well wishes to others in similar situations and thank you so much to those that had thought about me .

You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, or make any decisions right now about whether the relationship is something you want to continue with. Keep talking to friends and family though, don’t hide anything about his behaviour because you feel embarrassed by it - that embarrassment should belong to him, not you - and you need to be able to open up so you have support. The same with your midwife, who is there to support you.