Sad and ungrateful for second preg

[PassTheAfterEights]

I'm being utterly ridiculous, but I'm in bits.

I POAS tonight and BFP. Haven't told DH yet, coming in from a business trip late tonight. DS is 18 months and took one single risk last month DTD (which to be honest we hadn't much, yet), and here we are.

We both wanted another and we planned to start trying in the new year thinking it might take a wee while. Plumping for a 2.5-3 year gap. Just lost my Grannie, this would be so lovely for everyone. But...

I feel so so so ashamed of myself, but all I can think is it's too soon for DS. I think I knew I'd feel a bit wobbly about another because I'm deranged with love for him, I don't want our time together to end, I feel sad about making him grow up, blah blah... but I thought we'd have six more months to start getting my head around it, and getting him fully established in toddlerhood. I thought it'd be planned and all that would be tempered with excitement and now I don't think I feel anything but sadness for upending his little world. Which is ridiculous because a sibling will probably make it.

Worse still he was a long awaited baby and I feel so gutted and hideously guilty and ungrateful that I'm not singing and dancing about this second poor little babe, instead crying over it's FRER.

I'm so ashamed of myself for being so ungrateful.

Is this is any way a normal experience? I feel mentally totally unprepared. Or am I loopy from the rest of 2020 anxiety?

Sorry again. Three years ago my posts were all agony waiting for a BFP. I can't bear the irony, or how vile this makes me feel.

Awwww I can’t speak from personal experience but I think this is very normal.

It’s early days and you’ll be in shock and still trying to process it.

It’ll be ok, and your DS will be ok.

Trying to time when to have a baby is the biggest head fuck I reckon!!. I wonder how many people actually conceive exactly when they intend to..?!

I hoped to have a baby last year and a miscarriage ended that. I was worried there would be too big a gap between DC 1& 2; that I’d be too old; that I’d have wasted time not getting back to my career.. all kinds of nonsense really!

When I finally conceived this pregnancy I had a strong word with myself to just be bloody grateful! It’s kind of pointless exhausting yourself thinking otherwise.

There’s no such thing as perfect timing, and in a way a global pandemic is a good time to be pregnant, in as much as you’re not missing out on all the fun as would normally be the case!

Go easy on yourself. Those first days after a BFP are always tough to get your head around x

It also really doesn’t matter when you time it for - there will be pros and cons to every single scenario.

I could have written your post OP, even though we had started trying for a second baby. I felt guilt towards my PFB and I was sure I couldn't love another baby as much so felt guilt for the unborn one as well. Of course it was all nonsense. My second DC was instantly loved by me and everyone else, particularly DC1 who was far too young to be jealous and was a great big brother. The relationship my 2 DC had growing up and continue to have is one of the major delights of my and our extended family's lives.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and what will be a lovely family unit.

I found out I was pregnant again when my first was 11 months and I was gutted! I refused to tell anyone, got nervous and anxious when I did have to tell people. I didn’t want anyone judging me for getting pregnant so quickly and was gutted for my eldest who was still so tiny. Then I had my 12 week scan and found it was twins so in my head that made it worse! I obviously started showing very early and avoided seeing any neighbours because I didn’t want them to see I was pregnant! By the time the twins arrived I was fine and to caught up in the chaos of 3 kids under 18 months to worry about it! Now they are nearly 3 and 4 and we are all fine, the kids are very close, like to play together and my eldest doesn’t remember a time without the twins. No such thing as perfect timing, you will all be fine!

Oh OP - what you're feeling is really common I'm sure. It's probably a bit of shock at the moment too.

I have a thread on here under a different username when I was considering number 2 but was really unsure about it and a lot of my worries stemmed from the effect it would have on DS1.

I now have DS2 asleep on me and it's been better than I could ever have expected. My favourite thing ever is watching DS1 try to make his baby brother laugh and watch how he tries to look after him. DS2 follows his big brother around the room with his eyes constantly and beams at him when he sees him. It's so lovely and I can't even comprehend how I had any doubts now.

By the time baby arrives, you won't be that far off the 2.5yr age gap you were considering and a closer gap will have loads of advantages.

It's so true that love isn't something that has a limit or cap on it and you won't be taking away from your love for DS1 - you've got an unlimited supply. I always worried I could never love another baby like my first but I absolutely do.

You're giving your DS something amazing rather than taking something from him.

It's a bit cheesy and always makes me cry but I found the poem 'Lovong Two' always helped when I had a little wobble (maybe give it a while before you read it).

Give it time to sink in and allow the change to the plan you had to settle and I'm sure the excitement will follow

I do remember being terribly anxious that I couldn’t possibly love another child as much i loved my daughter.

But of course I did. ❤️

Really appreciate these replies, thank you all very much for taking the time. I feel a lot reassured. (Still ashamed of my reaction). When so many people are waiting for good news and having experienced loss myself I can't explain it, but this has all helped me rationalise a lot and pivot my thinking.

Loved reading about your kids' relationships now @Noflora and @Hurryupbaby11 , that's so so lovely. I will remember to look up the poem when I'm not in fresh torrents from just reading nice messages on mumsnet!

I got an unexpected/unplanned BFP when ds was 14 months and felt similar to you. So much guilt and spent first trimester feeling anxious and dreading baby arriving (feel so bad about that now).
Recently had 12 week scan and all those feelings changed. Seeing baby 2 kicking around on the screen bought back all those feelings of excitement & love I felt with my ds. I still get moments of anxiety about having 2 under 2 next year, but mostly looking-forward to & ready to embrace the chaos.

@PassTheAfterEights I think it's quite a normal way to feel! To give some positives much further down the road - my brother and I are just under 2 years apart and are super close, always have been. I'm sure your wee one will love the baby just as much as you do!

I got some really good advice years ago when we were trying to decide whether ttc or not. The advice was this... it is never really the perfect time to try, there will always be obstacles in the way. I'm preg with dc2 and have had days I've felt like this. You're not alone OP and I don't think the anxiety of this year will help. Your little one will absolutely love having a brother or sister to play with.

Congratulations ❤

Thank you all so much. More lovely accounts to read and congratulations to you guys too @HelloRose @Helenknowsbest!

Feeling a bit brighter today, actually a lot - told DH when he came in at 2am and he was amazing and positive and said I think this will make the rest of DS's life, he's ready and he will love it. I hope so but I agree with all your wise words, it's highly likely to be a wonderful enhancement for him. He's super sociable and adores other children, and I know he's not an infant / I'm def too protective of him!

Except of course now wondering if the FRER lines (did a second with FMU today) should be darker... trying not to breathe in too deep as it's early days. Must be excited somewhere in there though :D

Thank you again, as always MN is a port of total comfort in a mad stormy moment xx