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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

I've ruined everything

20 replies

Depressedandstressed · 20/10/2020 23:10

Hello,

I've never posted here before, but I desperately need some advice/reassurance.

I found out that I'm pregnant. About 8 weeks. It wasn't planned and I feel like my whole world has collapsed. I'm just so, so sad and scared.

We have a child already and we never even discussed a second. We were so happy just the 3 of us and I feel like I've ruined everything.

I'm furloughed at the minute and I don't know if I'll even still have a job by the end of the year. I feel like I've ruined my life, our life. My work is so important to me and now I've made myself a liability. If I lose my job, we're in trouble financially and who would employ a pregnant woman? I know it shouldn't matter but the reality is, it does.

I've cried constantly. I don't have anyone to talk to (my husband is super supportive but he seems devasted too and I don't want to make it worse) We haven't told anyone. I'm even dreading telling my family.

I feel guilty for not being happy, but it's just not what we had planned and the world is a mess right now.

It's like a nightmare I can't wake up from and I desperately want someone to tell me we'll be OK x

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NaturalStudy · 20/10/2020 23:12

Sorry you're feeling like this OP. You should give yourself some time to process how you're feeling. Have you spoken to your GP about your options? Don't feel rushed into a choice either way.

Original poster

Depressedandstressed · 20/10/2020 23:22

I've got a call with the gp on Thursday to get everything on file, set up my booking appointment etc.

I thought about all the options right away but I just don't think I could do it.

This is awful 😞

OP posts:

Sarahplane · 20/10/2020 23:23

If you feel this way you don't have to continue with the pregnancy. Give yourself some time to process it and decide what you want to do.

Asvan · 20/10/2020 23:25

How old is your first child? I know it may seem like it's the end of the world right now but kids truly are a blessing and you will find some way of working things out.

Original poster

Depressedandstressed · 20/10/2020 23:30

I'm trying to imagine how I would feel if this was any other year. I would probably feel as shell-shocked, but maybe less scared. All I know is I feel devastated. Our first is 3 1/2 so it feels like we're just coming out the other side of the toddler era x

OP posts:

SeraphinaDombegh · 20/10/2020 23:31

You're talking as though this is somehow your fault. Accidents happen. You and your DP must both be very shocked but you're not at fault here. Please try to stop blaming yourself and talk to your partner as calmly as you can about what you both want to happen next x

Asvan · 20/10/2020 23:32

Try to look at it from your toddlers point of view- he will have a brother/sister, someone else to experience life with. I know you might not think it right now but you will love the baby as soon as they put him/her in your arms and you will find a way to make life work with both kids.

SeraphinaDombegh · 20/10/2020 23:33

Also, it WILL be ok! Things may be hard for a while but you will get through this and it will get easier. Don't worry about the age gap - we have a 4 year age gap with our two and it's worked fantastically.

Original poster

Depressedandstressed · 20/10/2020 23:36

I should also mention, I'm 38, so that brings a lot of worries with it too. But then again, it's now or never I guess age wise.

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Original poster

Depressedandstressed · 20/10/2020 23:39

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I just don't know what to do. I feel like a total idiot. We were so organised the first time. we had savings, we were ready. The timing could not be worse.

OP posts:

feministfemme · 20/10/2020 23:54

@Depressedandstressed I'm sorry you're having a rough time with this pregnancy news. Try and keep in mind that you have options. Supposedly 25% of women have an abortion before the age of 45, with a good chunk of those being people with previous children. I'm not advocating to have or not to have an abortion, but there's no shame in any way you either choose to progress or end this pregnancy.

None of this is your fault, accidents happen to the best of us sometimes. Whatever you choose to do will be the right choice. x

DeRigueurMortis · 21/10/2020 00:08

I can understand you're anxious and upset.

It wasn't part of the plan you had, but unless you've been putting pins in condoms or deliberately not taking the pill then you haven't ruined anything. Unless we are witnesses to the second coming your DH was also an active participant in this situation.

You have choices and options.

It's always assumed there is a right time to have a child and for those who are lucky and the magic happens when we want it, then it's hard to fathom any alternative.

However, many women have unexpected pregnancies. It's a shock. They are unprepared and sometimes facing the situation alone.

You have a supportive DH. He too might be shocked but it sounds like he's got your back.

Talk it through together. Yes the timing is bad, but let's face it things might well be rough for quite a while yet. There's no guarantee that if this happened in a years time things might be any better.

Circumstances aside do you both want another child?

If the answer is yes then now is the right time and if you pull together you will make it work.

If not then you should think about termination. It's not an easy thing to do mentally, but the process (when early) is not physically difficult.

No one here can give you an answer as to what to do, all we can offer is support xxx

SeraphinaDombegh · 21/10/2020 07:39

I'm 38 too, OP, and can well imagine how you must be feeling. I'd feel the same if it happened to me. And honestly? I don't know what I'd choose to do. But please bear in mind that many, many women who have babies (perhaps the majority) haven't saved for it and they get by. Things can be difficult financially, but you WILL get through it and come out the other side if you choose to keep the baby. We are here to listen and hold your hand. Whatever you choose, things will ultimately be OK and you won't be this shocked forever x

ImFree2doasiwant · 21/10/2020 07:44

I'm sorry you're feeling this way OP. I know a little of how you feel, I became pregnant when my first child was a still a baby. My marriage was failing, we had had sex once , with precautions. I cohkdntb have a termination (although absolutely no judgement, I'd have had one, just not at that time)

I am now a single mum to 2 DC, it's hard but I'm happy.

Only you can know what's right, unfortunately the waiting times for a termination can be several weeks (where I am) which is awful to go through if you do make that decision.

CandyLeBonBon · 21/10/2020 08:06

This happened with my 3rd. Complete shock. Totally unplanned and I was in a right state. My relationship with my now ExH wasn't great. And I was in the middle of starting up a new business so the timing was awful.

It's a horrible feeling but take a few days. In the end I wanted to continue with the pregnancy and my daughter is now 12. But if I had continued to feel like you after the initial shock wore off, I would've had a termination. Please don't beat yourself up. It's not your fault. It's biology.

DefinitelyPossiblyMaybe · 21/10/2020 08:15

Hey firstly you should stop saying YOU have ruined things! This is not your fault! I hope your partner isn't blaming you - do not apologise, he is equally responsible.

Secondly, I was you. Happy with one child, who was 6 years old, no plans or desire for another one. Money was tight but life was good. I was finding my feet again workwise. Finding out I was pregnant again was a nightmare. Like you, my DH was supportive of it being my decision. I made an appointment for a termination but cancelled it. I cried so much - I was devastated. I struggled mentally when she was born and felt such guilt for not wanting her. Anyway, that DC is 24 years old now and I couldn't imagine my life without her - she's amazing, and she and her sister now have a lovely bond (eldest was pretty disinterested when they were small but as adults they're good friends). I'm glad they have each other. Sadly my career never really recovered.

Good luck with whatever you decide 💐

WhiteCloud6 · 21/10/2020 08:22

It will all work out! Don't stress about the whole job thing! All in the same week I found out I was pregnant, the country went into lockdown and I lost my job! I've since had 2 temporary jobs then at 24 weeks pregnant I secured a full time permanent job, I'm going off on maternity in 2 weeks at 38 weeks pregnant. The company has been so supportive of my pregnancy! Think positively and stay strong!

Original poster

Depressedandstressed · 21/10/2020 09:50

❤️❤️❤️❤️

Thank you for all your kind words, I really needed it xxx

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Original poster

Depressedandstressed · 21/10/2020 10:51

After a few sleepless nights, I think my sadness and worry is mostly down to unknowns with my job and how we will cope. I think I want my little one to have a sibling and as much of a shock it's been, I think we'll continue with the pregnancy.

I had a really good first pregnancy and birth, so there's a lot of apprehension about this time being harder too, what with me being a bit older. I'm somewhere between 5 and 9 weeks so quite a bit on. I haven't taken any folic acid yet. So many worries.

I guess I'm a bit of a control freak and right now I feel completely out of control. No control of my body, my job, money. It doesn't feel good at all.

OP posts:

DefinitelyPossiblyMaybe · 21/10/2020 14:30

Ha ha, I'm a control freak too, but there is a saying 'life is what happens while you're making other plans' and sometimes we have to let go of that control and ride the rapids for a bit. No judgement from me whatever you decide, but if you do continue the pregnancy just embrace it. I continued to resent, deny, reject for far too long, which didn't do me any good at all.

You'll be fine. Good luck.

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