How did your partner/husband react?

[RoseA89]

Hi all,

I’m currently 7 weeks pregnant with my first baby. I am over the moon, especially as my GP told me I may have trouble conceiving! DP and I decided to start trying towards the end of the year, but unexpectedly fell pregnant a few months earlier. DP was really keen to have a baby and at the start of the Covid pandemic, I suggested we delay trying. However, this caused a massive row as he really wanted to try. Fast forward to now and I’m pregnant but his reaction has totally shocked me. He doesn’t seem excited, and when I’m talking about the baby, he’s very sarcastic and makes jokes. It’s now at the point where I don’t even want to mention the baby. He has children from a previous relationship and I’ve noticed that he talks about them more now I am pregnant. I spoke to him about this and he got very defensive, saying men deal with emotions differently from women. Is this the case or am I right in feeling a bit sad at how he is reacting?

Xx

If it’s something he genuinely, truly really wanted could he be overwhelmed or anxious something could go wrong?

Either way: it’s not ok. There’s more than enough for any pregnant women to be dealing with, without an unsupportive, rude partner. I would talk to him again. Ask him not to interrupt you and have your say. Ask why he makes the need to belittle/ be sarcastic about something so lovely, that he really wanted. Make clear his behaviour is not acceptable!

You're definitely not stuffing to be upset by his reaction. Quite possibly he liked the idea of having another child but now that that is becoming a reality he has suddenly remembered the sleepless nights and reduced freedoms that come with a newborn, or he's otherwise suddenly gotten cold feet... maybe he is even anxious for you, but either way that's his problem and he's wrong to be rude and defensive with you about it. Very difficult to know what to do if you've already tried asking him what's up and he's refused to give a straight answer.

To answer your question, my husband was delighted when we find out I was pregnant (and surprised, we had just sort of assumed it would take a while but it happened quickly), but he wasn't very interested in talking about the baby before about 16 weeks. He admitted that he wanted to keep a certain emotional distance from the child until it was reasonably likely to make it, as he knew he'd be devastated by a miscarriage. I actually think that was a subdivision policy, though I failed to stick to it myself. Now at 28+5 we both happily ramble on about her.

My DP has male friends he can talk to who are different ages and different stages of life.

I learnt sometime into my pregnancy he had talked to one of those as he felt overwhelmed but he was very supportive of me.

What your DP is doing to you isn't fair and he shouldn't dump all his emotional shit on you.

"subdivision" in my previous post should be "sensible"

Thank you both for replying! When I spoke to my partner it was as if I was making a big deal out of nothing.
I’ll need to speak to him again I think. It’s really disappointing to be honest and it’s taking the joy right out the pregnancy. I am quite anxious about this pregnancy as I thought I’d have trouble getting pregnant. My partner tells me not to thinks negatively so I don’t think he wants to distance himself in the event that something happens. He just never seems interested when I’m speaking about appointments and names and so on. I’ve also noticed he seems to have really loosened his approach to social distancing etc. He needs to travel to see his children but he talks about taking them out places and going to visit people - which are clearly against the rules where we live. I got very upset last night at his attitude towards this because I thought he’d be more careful now I’m pregnant. He’s gone the completely opposite way! :(

My other half didn't want to talk about the baby to begin with. He was worried about getting attached and something going wrong. After it settled in and became more real, he was very excited.

My partner would say he was excited when I asked him but otherwise was very chilled. He’s not overly expressive verbally but there were tears in his eyes when we first heard the heartbeat and now at 12 weeks he is helping research car seats etc. I know he’s happy but because he doesn’t blab about it all the time like me it’s easy to forget - especially when I’m having an anxious hormonal week.

I think ultimately we can’t dictate how they should be reacting or expressing themselves and they may just need more time to let it settle in. However, if it ever feels like they’re not supporting you when you really and reasonably need them to then that should be a red flag.

We are finally 22 weeks with twins after 7 previous miscarriages and ectopics and 5 rounds of IVF. I thought DH would be more excited than he is to be honest too? He seems to avoid talking about anything baby related if I talk about them, he'd never start a conversation about the babies, he doesn't touch the bump - or me - at all. Its me that's decorated the nursery. It's definitely sucking the joy and excitement out of this pregnancy (which will definitely be my last). He was like this with our older DD but I put it down to new father to be nerves but I really don't get what the issue is this time. I also feel really sad that I seem to be going through this pregnancy alone when these babies are 1000% very much wanted and planned x