New baby into a blended family - pressure and guilt

[FirefighterMomma]

Hi All,

I will try and condense this situation into as little words as possible.

Myself and my partner got together and both have children from previous relationships. He has a boy who's 4 and a girl who's 7 and I have a son who's 10 and a daughter who's 7.

We all live together in a big house and all the children have always been at the forefront of our decisions.

My children are with me 95 percent of the time and his are shared care so with us for 4 days and nights every 4 days ( 4 on 4 off)

We have worked so hard on blending and gradual blending of the children and our life together and it works really well, normal sibling squabbles but I think we handle the whole thing really well.

We spoke about on depth and wanted another little baby together and I thought a nice bridge between the children, a part of everyone and a little completion to our family.

We are nearly 12 weeks into the pregnancy and plan to tell the children after the 12 week scan.

We have agreed all the children are different and will take it all differently, my 2 I know will be absolutely over the moon and very excited and we think his son will be fine and not particularly bothered as he's so young but will tread carefully still, but the issue is his daughter.

She can be very difficult and my partner and I had a conversation last night where he thinks she will react badly if this baby is a girl. I'm very understanding and I always put the children first and always try and make things as easy as possible for them.

However I now feel under immense pressure for his baby to be a boy and it's really upset me. I'm worried my partner may be upset if we find out it's a girl and it worries me a lot, it's completely thrown me into guilt, pressure, upset and I know I will blame myself as stupid as that sounds evan though I can't control the gender of my baby!

It's upsetting as his daughter completely I feel rules the roost and can be manipulative towards my partner and often has breakdowns and can be in general very difficult.

This has never ever been an issue for me and will never be.

Iv made it clear I'd want all children to be very involved and them all to feel part of this new chapter and this time that I want to be happy and positive and exciting for all of us.

I love this baby already unconditionally and I feel the pressure now is taking anything good away from this experience as it's 100
Percent our final child.

I just want peoples opinions and helpful advice or similar situations or anything that would help me also shed some light on the whole situation.

I'm open to anyone's advice about this as this is also a new thing for me and the new blended family is a new experience but a happy one definitely.

Thankyou x

It sounds like you have a lot of expectations for how your partner's daughter should be expected to respond. It isn't just your feelings that need to be taken into consideration, she has a right to feel how she does. It doesn't make her right - but you can't expect everything to be rosey. As I'm sure you're aware, blended families have complex dynamics. There is nothing to do at this point, as you don't even know the gender. I would just let her come to terms with it in her own time and try to reassure her that she is still a loved and valued member of the family.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. If I were you I wouldn’t find out the sex in advance. I’m sure when the children meet their new sibling they will fall in love regardless of the sex.
x

You said you thought long and hard about having a baby. She won’t have had the benefit of all those discussions and time spent, so make sure you let her have a very long time to get used to it, just like you two did.

Not all children are going to be interested in baby siblings, don't put any expectations on this girl.

Wasn’t there a huge thread on this last night?

Surely if you and your partner thought long and hard, you must have considered the possibility that this baby may be a girl? And that if there were already some issues with your step DD then a new baby might make this worse? It's a bit late for your partner to decide that it might be a problem if the baby is a girl

I don't mean to sound harsh but with 4 children on 2 different contact patterns, one of whom is already having some issues with behaviour then a new baby in the mix was always going to be a very difficult situation!

My advice is tread very carefully with the children, don't pressure them to be excited or over the moon and make lots of extra efforts to reassure them that they are loved and nobody is getting replaced or pushed out. And be prepared for a rocky ride and some acting out by your step children (and possibly your own too).

His DD is 7, right?! (Not 17?!)

I might be making this too simple, but it frustrates me that in modern parenting, such a young child is allowed to ‘rule the roost’. It’s not fair on her, or anyone else in the family.

You and DH can discuss how to model for the children what their reaction should be. They will follow your example more than any words you say.

But when you tell them, also say;

• we are in love, we love you all so much, we decided to add to our amazing family
• we are all different characters and this new baby will be different too
• we need your help for this baby to feel welcome in our family
• mum and dad are going to be quite tired and busy. but we’re always here for you

Give everyone responsibilities - each kid could help choose a piece of clothing, or a toy, and help set up the nursery. They can be taught how to do things to help you when you’re tired with a newborn - maybe how to make toast so mummy can have breakfast in bed, or how to dust the house, empty the dishwasher, or any other age appropriate chores.

Children LOVE to be informed, involved, have responsibilities and expectations put on them. It makes them feel secure and important.

It sounds like you and your DP are amazing parents and these are seriously lucky kids!

What a wonderful home you’re providing - stay confident, stay open to learning, you’ve got this