How to tell

[LoveYouHoneybear]

Hi, I'm in a very difficult situation and would appreciate any advice. I am 32 and 14 weeks pregnant with my first. It was very unexpected but we are happy. My sister, with whom I am very close, is 38 and has been ttc for over two years. She has recently done a round of IVF that unfortunately was not successful and there were no eggs to freeze. She'll be going through another round in the new year. My mom is very emotionally and financially invested in my sister's fertility treatments as she is paying for them. My mom is so involved, it's starting to really affect her mental health. I talk to my sister nearly everyday and she is currently (understandably) going through a lot of jealous feelings towards pregnant people, just this weekend she found out a coworker of hers is pregnant and she was inconsolable. So here I am, listening to her and my mom nearly every day and sitting on this big secret I just feel sick with guilt about. How the hell am I supposed to tell them? We've told my DH's family but I can't imagine a world in which my mom and sister will take this in any way other than a betrayal. If you have any ideas, please help. x

You can't live your life in the shadows. Tell your sister then your parents, you are not responsible for their reactions. You are responsible for your health.

Thank you Windolene. I know you're right. Has anyone else experienced something similar? If so, how did it pan out?

I would tell her now, the sooner the better

If you are as close as you say you are, even though it may take time, they will be happy for you.
Maybe you could write everything down in a letter to your sister. And let her get back to you in her own time.
I can’t imagine the thoughts going through your mind, but try not to let it get in the way of your enjoyment and excitement of this wonderful time in your life.

It’s a difficult situation and in all honestly no matter how much she loves you and deep down will be happy for you, the pregnancy announcement is still likely to sting. I’ve been in your sister’s position, I think sending it in a text or other form of communication where she doesn’t have to respond to you straight away would be good (basically avoid the phone or face to face), in relation to your mum, I think she should be able to deal with it over the phone but that might be a judgment call only you can make. I would avoid sharing scan pics or complaining about the pregnancy in any way to your sister unless she directly asks. For me, I found the pregnancy and birth announcement particularly hard but then absolutely fell in love with my niece so it was fine but when you’re going through fertility struggles it can be so hard when it feels like everyone else can get pregnant easily. It’s probably better to share as soon as you feel comfortable to do so rather than leaving it later.

In respect to your sister, I would honestly recommend her connecting with the TTC/IVF community on Instagram, it honestly helped me so much (some good people to follow are @thisisalicerose, and the Big Fat Negative podcast). There’s also lots of support and help on how to deal with the pregnancy announcement, because it’s never about someone else’s pregnancy but how inadequate it makes you feel that you can’t get pregnant, reminding you what you’re missing out on.

However you tell her it's going to hurt. But the longer you leave it the worse it will be. I would just take them aside and tell them sooner rather than later. Don't bombard your sister with scan photos or complain about pregnancy symptoms, don't expect her to engage with your pregnancy, she'll need to come to terms with this in her own way and own time.
Best will in the world you can't imagine or empathise with what she's going through so don't try to understand her feelings. Give her space and time x

I’ve been in the situation of going through recurrent miscarriages when one of my friends got pregnant. She told me by text which was definitely best as it gave me time to deal with my emotions (actually I was fine but I thought she handled it very sensitively).

I agree with above posters that you may need to give your sister some time and it’s probably best not to be flashing scan photos, complaining about symptoms etc.

Personally, I feel like your mum should support you 100% and doesn’t need to be treated with the same consideration as your sister. She’s not the one with fertility issues.

I've been in your sisters position (without my mum paying for treatment) when my SIL came to tell us she was pregnant with her second.
I'm not going to lie, it hurt and I cried a lot. However, none of it in front of them, it is not your fault that you're pregnant and your sister is not.
My partner and I took a few weeks to come to terms with it all, lockdown was useful for this. We just explained that we needed a little time and that we'd be ok. Everything has so far turned out well.
Funnily enough, 4 weeks after that I found I that I was pregnant and so we are now going through things together which is lovely.
Hopefully your sister will react similarly. But I would say to tell them earlier rather than later as you don't want to add to the feelings that you were also being deceitful (however incorrect that opinion is)
Good Luck x