DP dismissing my pregnancy / birth worries

[onlyonemoreweek]

I’m 39 weeks pregnant and feel bad saying this but I’ve had an awful pregnancy tbh. Severe sickness up until 29 weeks, lost so much weight, unable to cook or even enter the kitchen, depression and have basically been bed bound the whole pregnancy. He’s done basic cleaning but unless I actually clean the house it’s a tip and if I vent to him I’m told that “he’s at work all day” yet I’m still working part time from home. There hasn’t been much joy and this is my first baby so really feel like I’ve missed out on the whole experience.

I feel like my DP has dismissed the way I feel throughout the whole pregnancy. I can’t really talk to him about how I feel as he just tries to brush it off. When I was really sick and family or friends asked him how I was he would always say “She’s doing great” now I’m really worried about how I’ll cope with labour and he’ll just say something like “Don’t worry the baby will fly out” or if I try to talk to him about coping with lack of sleep and the new norm stage he will just say “Don’t worry I’m laid back so the baby sleep all the time”! I beyond frustrated with not having a partner I can share my feeling with or vent to.

Is this just a normal man thing? Or do I have a partner who’s emotionally useless?

Has he always been like this? How was he before pregnancy when you discussed worries with him?

He might be feeling scared himself and this is his way of coping. To be honest though....most pregnancies are a bit shit for most women...feeling like you've missed out on the experiences is possibly more that it's not what you expected...it's not particularly pleasant being pregnant....some women breeze through but most find it extremely unsettling, uncomfortable and worrying.

Don't focus on that...tell your partner you need more than him brushing off your fears. But having said that..what is it that you do want from him? Can you articulate it here so you can then go and tell him?

I agree with PP that most pregnancies are not what you think they might be (not like in the movies :) ) so I think that perhaps it’s not so much that you’ve ‘missed out’ on anything, but perhaps you started out with slightly unrealistic/optimistic expectations of how wonderful pregnancy would feel and the reality has been tough to adjust to. (I can relate - I had a crap first trimester! Also found it hard to ‘let go’ of all the ‘hallmark’ experiences I thought I would have in pregnancy but haven’t (..scans with my partner present, for example).

Having said all that there is nothing I find more annoying than expressing my worries/fears and being told everything will be fine. I know some people like to stay positive, but it can really invalidate your feelings when people say ‘oh don’t worry about that’. It is so dismissive!

It sounds like he might be trying to ‘be positive’ either because it’s his way of coping, or because he thinks it is needed to balance out your concerns. Either way though if it is not helping you then you might need to give him some pointers on what sort of responses are more helpful for you. If might be you just need him to listen and not try to make everything ok? Or for him to acknowledge that yes things could be really tough, but to assure you that he will be there to help you manage the tough times (like, you could make a plan together of things you might do/try together if, for example, the baby doesn’t sleep well) Some CBT strategies could be beneficial too (look up catastrophizing cbt worksheet this was a gamechanger for me when I had anxiety!). Also, have you had any support with your depression? Do you have anyone you find it easier to talk to about your worries? Please tell your midwife/GP if you need external support.xx

Does he actually know anything about labour and babies? Have you done antenatal classes? Sounds like he's very head in the sand about it. I think you need to have a decent chat about what could happen, what support you need and how you want him to advocate for you in delivery.

I think most blokes have some sort of rude awakening when baby does arrive - just make sure you're not doing it all and he's taking his share of responsibilities, night wakings and nappy changes.

It wasn't very supportive of him to minimise your feelings by telling people you were fine when you were really unwell.

However I have some sympathy with him too. It's good to be prepared for labour and a newborn and discuss it in advance, but it sounds like you're quite anxious about it? I think there's a balance between sharing your feelings and spending a lot of time worrying about things you can't control. He may feel there's no point stressing about lack of sleep as it'll happen whether or not you worry about it! The important thing IMO is how well he actually supports you and does his share of the sleepless nights when the time comes.

Maybe I’m just being harsh on him then because of how I’m feeling 🙈

I have HG and been in and out of hospital on drips until 29 weeks so it really has been pretty grim but I do get that pregnancy isn’t easy for most people.

I’m am naturally an anxious person but I’m not constantly stressing to him, it’s rare that I do but it’s just when I actually do (I’m sure like most first time mums having worries) he never really listens or validates what I feel it’s just always brushed off with something positive which to me is just dismissive. I suppose he’s always been like this but it’s only now that I really need him emotionally that I’m noticing it.

It doesn't minimise how you're feeling OP, but pregnancy really is pretty shit... Disney it ain't!
I'm 38 weeks currently with a 3 year old and my poor DH is trying to work, look after both of us and is insanely anxious about me being in hospital during the covid situation, and who will have our DS.
And if I'm honest, I'm whinging and moaning all the time because I feel so poorly and sore and I want to play with my son...
In honesty, what do I really want my DH to do?
He can't have the baby for me, and he's got no-one to help him because I'm so incapacitated.
He's not the most emotional guy anyway, his way of supporting has always been to be practical.

I'm sure your DH could have been better, but if you can, try and cut him some slack- he's probably terrified and feeling helpless. And he's probably missing you!

I don't think you're being too harsh on him, if anything not harsh enough! He needs to be picking up the cleaning and things while you're hospitalised with his child. He sounds like he needs a reality check it's not fair on you at all.

Perhaps he does think he’s helping by being positive but you really need to sit him down and explain
Have you made a preliminary birth plan? If so go through it with him as if he is supposed to be your advocate during labour he needs to know your feelings preferences and what if scenarios
Make a date to do this seriously together and then you’ll see how supportive he can be

Think it’s probably because HE doesn’t find it hard, nothing is presenting difficulties or annoyances for HIM. Basically, he’s selfish.

Could it be time to consider a different birthing partner, one that will be more supportive?

I can't think of anything you can make him watch or read that will show him how hard pregnancy and childbirth are for very many women.

Long time since I was pregnant and I only ever felt sick but often until the end and that was grim enough!! Not sure how anyone with HG ever has a #2, I feel green thinking about....

Are you on a thread for other people due around the same time you may find being heard there helps you?

My partner was a bit like this and when I brought it up he said he was just trying to look on the positive side. We had a chat where I said that I didn't find it helpful to not prepare for realistic eventualities and part of that was being able to air worries to him and not feel dismissed. He did take it on board. I think as well because he didn't experience the physical and emotional aspects of pregnancy first hand he didn't really understand the feelings and worries I had, or the extent to which I was scared/struggling. He got a huge reality check when I had a difficult birth.

No this isn’t a normal man thing, let’s not start generalising. My worry would be when you’re exhausted from having a newborn or even in labour he just won’t be there for you or the baby as everything will be ‘fine’.