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Original poster

What do I do? BFP 8dpo after one date and failed morning after pill

26 replies

31andSingleMumofOne · 12/10/2020 17:57

Hi all,

Im hoping for some much needed support, without judgement. I dont know if here is the right place..
I've no intentions of upsetting anyone who is TTC so please don't come at me.

I tested an hour ago on FRER and got a positive - faint but visible. Im 8DPO.
I agreed to go on a date with a guy after chatting to him for just over a week face palm..
We went for a lovely dinner, laughed - got along great. After one too many - one thing lead to another and we had unprotected sex. In the midst of it all I told him it was around the time of my ovulation and we needed to be careful, he agreed except he wasn't so careful.
The following day I was in a panic and got the morning after pill (turns out this doesnt work if you've already ovulated).
We spoke over the next few days about it and he stated he wanted children but not just yet, so if it fails - abortion pill "before it develops into something" men!!!

He asked me for a second date this weekend just gone, however mid week he kept getting wound up if I hadn't messaged him back after a few hours, there were other red flags I noticed- he would bring up me mentioning my ex and completely over exaggerated it (we were discussing how/why we were single during dinner and I said I'd only had my heart broken once), saying I spoke about him for 80% of the date.. Absolutely did not, it was 5 minutes..
Im still good friends with a guy I casually dated at the beginning of this year - now a very good friend of mine. This guy hated it and said we were clearly different people as he had different values and wanted different things as he was looking for serious dating..

I thought this guy is clearly controlling and a bit manipulative.. So I cancelled this date. He was not happy and we ended up having an argument, haven't spoken to him since Friday.

So as you can imagine, feeling so stupid and careless now I've gotten a BFP on a FRER 8dpo (I get a strong pinch whichever side I ovulate every month).
I haven't said anything to him yet, will leave it for at least another week. The last thing he said was we'll do a test in another week or so and leave it at that.

Im a single parent to my soon to be 9 year old DD, who I absolutely adore. I was with her father for 11 years before I ended things when DD was 3. We are going through a huge legal battle over my house which has been stressful and to make my situation look worse - he had a baby last weekend with his partner of a few years, I literally have no feelings for him and although he's made my life hell, I still wish him all the happiness in the world and stand by my decision of ending things. He'd laugh his head off if he knew of my situation right now.

Im also scared of everyone's reactions.. Im coming to the end of my probation in work (im a nurse out in the field) love my job, supportive team, I've banged on about wanting to progress there and now I've gone and got myself pregnant so I'm scared what they'd think also as they know I'm single.

I dont know what's for the best, do I keep or get rid? Which upsets me so much but I'm trying to think logical. This guy is very successful, set up his own company that has made a few million (not that he's a millionaire), he's not against having children but like me, doesnt want it under these circumstances. Plus im worried about his controlling behaviour.

Please can I have peoples thoughts.

OP posts:
Sirrah · 12/10/2020 19:21

So many red flags! If you have the baby, you should be prepared to do it alone, I would not get into a relationship with a man who thinks he can control you after one date!

cat709 · 12/10/2020 19:31

I agree with the last poster - if you want to keep the baby, then be prepared to do it on your own. Or if he steps up, then joint custody.
Devils advocate, how do you feel if the guy says he doesn't want it / get rid / not taking any responsibility now or when child it older? X

FilthyforFirth · 12/10/2020 19:39

I personally would not keep in these circumstances. But regardless if you do I would bin him off as he sounds awful.

CausingChaos2 · 12/10/2020 19:46

Worse than doing it alone would be if he wanted to be involved but turned out to be a controlling nutter.

It is your decision and you must make it only for yourself. I personally would not want to be tied to a stranger for the next 18+ years, let alone a stranger who had already shown red flags.

Original poster
31andSingleMumofOne · 12/10/2020 20:03

I knew I wasn't imagining the red flags, its bizarre behaviour isn't it? After one date..
Its that primarily that is making me think it wouldn't be wise to keep. Thank you so much for being understanding and realistic in your replies. Very much what I needed.
I will tell him, I just don't know when, but the decision will be mine and mine only if I keep or not.. Its the stigma of being a single mum of two kids to two different dads.. I dont judge people at all, but I know many would judge me 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Bluebell2020 · 12/10/2020 20:11

The first thing I would consider is if you would want to raise the baby alone. I would completely take the man out of the equation because sadly even if he says he will be there you don't know him enough to be able to trust his word in such a life changing situation. If you don't think you would want to do it completely on your own then I would consider abortion or adoption.

If you decide you would keep it regardless then you can let the Dad decide if he does or doesn't want to be involved. I wouldn't try and rush into a relationship with him though. I wouldn't carry on dating him just because you've had a positive test if you wouldn't have carried on in normal circumstances.

Just to warn you there can be some very nasty people on here so don't be surprised if you get some really horrible comments. I personally could never abort a baby in any circumstance but I understand why other people would feel like that's the best decision for them. It is such a personal decision though and only you can decide what's best for you right now x

CodenameVillanelle · 12/10/2020 20:14

Personally there is no way I'd have a baby on my own with someone I've had one date with who turned out to be a controlling nutter. It's an absolute recipe for disaster.
And don't have unprotected sex with one night stands. Nothing good will ever come of it.

Bluebell2020 · 12/10/2020 20:15

Also just to add to that.. people will always always judge you no matter what you do so just ignore them. Better for other people to judge you and you feel happy sith your own decision than you hate yourself for making a decision you can't go back on purely on the basis of worrying about what others think xx

peachypetite · 12/10/2020 20:18

Definitely a lot of red flags OP. You should also look at getting tested.

FoxtrotEcho · 12/10/2020 20:20

If it was me, I would terminate. I wouldn't want that guy in my life, or in the life of any kid of mine.

But you have to do what's best for you. I honestly would not judge you either way. You are in a tough situation. Good luck OP Flowers

DaisyMaisyFaisy · 12/10/2020 20:54

I’d block the guy from contacting me and definitely terminate. He sounds unhinged and I just wouldn’t want to be tied to him forever. I know that’s probably tough to hear so sending happy vibes

Original poster
31andSingleMumofOne · 12/10/2020 21:19

Wow, im honestly so shocked everyone has pretty much said get rid.. I think this is the most sensible thing. Its definitely easier said that done though as I'm not sure im strong enough to go through something I've always been against, but the circumstances are not great.

Im very independent and stand on my own two feet, my DD has a very strong relationship with her dad and we have 50/50 custody of her which works out pretty well as she's very lucky to have such a devoted dad even if he is an absolute arse to me. This guy screams red flags though. He has girls falling at his feet because ok he's a good looking guy and extremely successful but I can definitely see why he's still single..

OP posts:
YoBeaches · 12/10/2020 21:35

Red flags or not, you actually don't know anything about him. You've no idea who he is, his background, what's true or lies etc. It was a one night stand.

Were you not fussed about getting pregnant? You were clearly able to tell him you were ovulating but didn't take any precautions yourself. It's quite precarious behaviour. This might contribute to why you feel mixed about keeping or not.

In your situation, regardless of him/red flags, I wouldn't continue with a pregnancy from a one night stand. There's far too much unknown about him and how he will behave - and your connected forever.

Separately you should do an Sti test too.

Original poster
31andSingleMumofOne · 12/10/2020 22:05

Absolutely was fussed about not getting pregnant, I made a incredibly poor decision whilst heavily intoxicated. Something im now paying the price for, but yank you for your input. STI check completed and clear 👍🏼

OP posts:
SonEtLumiere · 12/10/2020 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRedFox · 13/10/2020 01:02

No judgment here and sorry you find yourself in this situation.

Irrespective of red flags, continuing with the pregnancy will mean that you are tied to this man, who you don't know anything about, at all, forever.

Some posters are asking whether you are prepared to go it alone, but this may not be your choice. He could decide at any point that he does want to be involved and issue a court application - is that something you want to have hanging over you?

Please think carefully before making a lifelong commitment to this man who you don't know.

FWIW I also see red flags and would be worried that if you can see them bright and clear after one date, this is not a good sign.

Wishing you all the best.

CoalCraft · 13/10/2020 06:27

**Irrespective of red flags, continuing with the pregnancy will mean that you are tied to this man, who you don't know anything about, at all, forever.

Some posters are asking whether you are prepared to go it alone, but this may not be your choice. He could decide at any point that he does want to be involved and issue a court application - is that something you want to have hanging over you?**

I was going to leave a message of my own but what @TheRedFox has said sums up my feelings in a far more elegant way than I could. Fundamentally it is up to you whether you continue the pregnancy, but please factor into your considerations a lifelong attachment to a man who has started to show controlling tendencies in just a couple of weeks. Going it alone may be by far the better scenario if the red flags fly true, but he may not let you.

Albgo · 13/10/2020 06:43

Do you want to keep the baby? I think you will have a gut feeling either way, and if your heart is saying keep it, then do.
This is very controversial, and most people won't agree with this, but personally if you do decide to continue with the pregnancy, I wouldn't tell the father. In your situation, there's no way I'd want him involved. At the very least I wouldn't be adding him to the birth certificate.
Equally if you do decide that the situation and timing are wrong for you, then don't feel bad for terminating. Your body, your choice.

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 13/10/2020 06:47

As someone who was stupid enough to have children with not one but two very controlling and pathological liars I say this: please please think very very very carefully about going ahead with this. Very carefully

TheRedFox · 13/10/2020 07:20

Please don't lie to him about keeping the baby as @Albgo suggested.

Not because you owe him anything but because this could be storing up a lot of problems for you in the future that I don't think you will want hanging over you.

What if he saw you out and about with baby, a FB or social media post?

Think carefully and do what is right for you.

howmanyroads · 13/10/2020 09:36

Everyone is talking in terms of how you will be forever linked to this man. My first thought was if he does decide to be involved do you really want your baby to potentially have an abusive father?

Also a pretty serious thing that you didn't consent to unprotected sex and he went ahead with it anyway.

positivedreams · 13/10/2020 09:40

@CausingChaos2

Worse than doing it alone would be if he wanted to be involved but turned out to be a controlling nutter.

It is your decision and you must make it only for yourself. I personally would not want to be tied to a stranger for the next 18+ years, let alone a stranger who had already shown red flags.

Couldn't have said it better myself
positivedreams · 13/10/2020 09:42

Hope you are okay OP. I agree with what most others have said about the red flags and potentially having a termination or not getting him involved. He sounds very controlling and quite scary actually. Good luck x

Spinksy9 · 15/10/2020 13:50

@31andSingleMumofOne Its horrible that you felt you had to write "dont come at me"
Yes a lot of women are TTC on here but everyones situation is their own and people have no place to judge. I think most of those on here and have get rid and I think you'd made your mind up. Just want to say that whatever you decide, good luck! My only reply concern would be STIs lol everyone is allowed to make mistakes and you do what is right for you!x

LavaCake · 15/10/2020 16:03

If I were the one in your circumstances I would terminate - but only you can make the decision for yourself. But you need to plan as if you will be a single parent, because that is the most likely outcome (and you definitely don’t want to be in a relationship with a man giving you red flags after two dates).

Whatever you decide, once you’re no longer pregnant get yourself onto a hormonal contraceptive and start carrying condoms. Apart from an unwanted pregnancy this guy could have given you any number of STDs. You should also now have an STD check, to be sure. Some STDs can be very harmful in pregnancy if untreated.

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