Getting frustrated with partner

[newbiemummy2021]

I don't want to sound like a nagging pregnant woman, but I'm getting to the point where I don't like my partner.
I'm working from home and my job (although no extra pressure is being put on me by my bosses) I still need to be on the ball and I can sometimes work a long day and at 5 months pregnant it's starting to get a bit uncomfortable etc. Because I'm at home he thinks there is more reason for him not to do anything at home. I sometimes just want to get up and get on with work, but EVERY day before I start I have to clear up, put washing on etc. I had such a bad 1st trimester that I couldn't do a thing and work was such a struggle, but had to take precedence. He helped clean and tidy ONCE and I did pretty much the majority whilst feeling horrific! He NEVER cooks, organises shopping, helps with general money, home admin etc. I do it ALL and I'm getting so fed up to the point where I think 'I might as well be on my own' I'm genuinely worried about when my third trimester hits and I'm tired etc. I can't speak to him as I get such a bad response and it just annoys me more. I can't even be bothered to respond when he asks about how I'm feeling as he doesn't listen. As soon as I start talking he wanders off or looks at his phone. It's like it's just lip service. He's not a bad person, but I just cannot understand how his mind works. Also, every time we go out with friends OR he goes out on his own, he drinks so much and never thinks that maybe it would be nice, considering I can't drink to have an evening off. Or when he goes out, not coming home so drunk, he wakes me up, snores all night and just lays there hungover all the next day!! My hormones are not helping, but I feel unsupported, respected or appreciated. I can't even bring myself to talk about money! Thankfully I receive full pay for around 7 months, so won't need him to cover my half of bills, but surely I shouldn't even have to worry about that and should know he will "support" me. I just sometimes think maybe I settled with the wrong man. Today he's hungover again (I went to see my friend as I couldn't face him stinking of booze, eating rubbish and yawning all day) and I've just come into another room away from him, I'm being nice because I'll be accused of being rude and miserable, but he keeps coming in asking if I want something, if he can watch TV with me, but I just can't be bothered! I want to be left alone as I feel totally drained by him. I don't really know what I expect people to say, but it's just a rant I suppose!

This can't continue. He is pissing me off and I have never met the man. Is he worth having a very open and frank discussion with? I would start with 50/50 on household stuff as a bare minimum.

I really want to write everything down and present him with it all. What I do, how I think we should split it, but I just can't be bothered to deal with the reaction. I think I've just given up. I'm taking him away for his birthday next weekend and I've spent a fortune on him, but instead of looking forward to it, I'm dreading and resenting. How do you think I should approach it? Write it all down and present it? Don't get me wrong, he works hard, but if all I had to worry about was rolling out of bed, going to work and coming home to everything done on the home front I'd be pretty happy!

Yeah, it's just not fair. And possibly will get worse once your baby comes. Having a demanding job doesn't get you out of everything else. Maybe a rota?

Have you always done everything?

This could be me posting this. We have had quite an up and down time here as well and I have to keep dragging DP kicking a d screaming to sort himself out. It is very draining. I am now 34 weeks and hopefully we have had the last "talk". His drinking has been an issue but since May he has done well though we had problems with it again over the last few weeks.

To be fair to DP, although he is a nightmare at times he is always apologetic and does pull his finger out and get with the program and he has done the bulk of the cooking throughout.

I would struggle if he didn't listen and change what he was doing as a result.

We had some real bad arguments about it though before it would get through to him. Maybe you need to completely lose the rag and let him see just how much it bothers you.

Like you I have saved up for my mat leave. Not a penny from him as he seems incapable of saving money. It does get to me too.

They are just such little children at times. Sending you hugs even if I don't really have a y good advice to give. Xx

Just stop doing it. Don’t clear up. Don’t tidy, don’t wash his clothes. Just stop.

You could tell him why, or send an email, or don’t tell him & just stop. But do it now, don’t wait, or fret any longer.

If you’ve tried talking already he’s not going to ‘get it’ until there’s nothing for him to wear, no meals cooked, no clean clothes.

You are 100% right to feel extremely angry, and absolutely you should act now because it’s going to be soooo much worse when baby gets here otherwise!!

Men often have no idea what it’s like to be pregnant because we’re not great at explaining it to them. Unfortunately that does mean you have to spell it out for them.

Pregnancy is seriously tough, he should be falling over himself to help you!

If he doesn’t get it, and make a huge effort to improve, I would really question whether he deserves to be in your life at all...

When you say that you would get a bad response if you spoke to him about things, what do you mean? Have you tried before? What was his reaction?

I've always done everything and I can be a bit of a control freak at times, but since being pregnant I've become more and more laid back about stuff as my health and sanity is more important.

I came home tonight and his work trousers, socks and clothes from last night are chucked on the floor in the guest room, so I'm going to take advice and leave it there. He's also dumped his disgusting takeaway food in a bag on the worktop, so I'm also leaving that.

It's just tough as I like a tidy home (I do have a cleaner once a week), but as we know they're not there to pick up dirty washing off the floor, contact lenses strewn everywhere to mention by a few. She's there to help me keep on top of things, plus she changes the bedding which I'm struggling to do as I don't want to lift the mattress etc.

I feel I've achieved something tonight too as I've just been as nice as pie, but quiet. I've read my book and relaxed a bit without seething inside. He's come into the room about 6 times and face timed me from the living room
I got up to make some hot milk and he said 'shall I do it' - so I think maybe being this way whilst leaving whatever he dumps on the floor, side etc. Is going to really help with my sanity!

I just feel that resentment is possibly one of the worst things to rear it's head in a relationship and can be the beginning of the end.

@shera 1 I think you should also take the advice offered here for your own sanity. You're not alone and at least we have forums to vent without having to share with our friends and family (who will only judge)
MEN! Arrrgghh!
Lots of hugs and positivity coming your way xx

@Thefoz he will turn it around on me and call me a nag, control freak etc. He will say 'I'm at home all day' and If he was he would do it. I only found out recently that for about 2 years he'd get home at 2pm and pretend he'd only just got home (I'd get home at 7pm from west London which is an hour 15 one way) to do chores and then cook dinner. It's only the past year where he's changed roles that he's home at 5ish.

It's just hard to speak to him as if he's had enough of listening he will just tell me he's taking it on board and to shut up (for a want of a better word) I can never get what I want off my chest as I feel he just turns into a child!

@newbiemummy2021

It sounds like trying to talk anymore is realllly not going to work!

Might be time for the nuclear option, as I described above

Admitting you’re a control freak is insightful - you’re so bloody capable and have high standards.. which is great but honestly this is all going to get soooooo much worse if you keep it up.

Personally I’m not sure I could stay with a guy who didn’t do at least 50% ... I certainly wouldn’t want my children seeing that as normal ...

@Gerdticker

No, it's really not. Actions speak louder than words, so I think I'll just have to start changing the way I handle the situation.

Yes, agreed re: nuclear.

It's tough as I've never wanted to rely on a man financially and I am hugely independent. It's just I've changed since being pregnant as it's bought the vulnerability out in me. I like certain things to be just so, but I know that I can't keep this up. I can't work full time, do everything at home all whilst being pregnant and you're right, it's going to get so much worse!

No, I don't want that either. I'm clinging onto the fact he will step up when the baby is born, but I don't hand on heart believe that will be the case considering how utterly useless he's been so far.

I’m going to assume this was an unplanned pregnancy because you’d have to have been out of your damn mind to have a child with this man optionally!

I'm clinging onto the fact he will step up when the baby is born

I’d prepare yourself to go it alone because the chances of thin ‘stepping up’ are remote. You’ve made life very difficult for yourself getting pregnant by this idiot.

If you stay with him then some things need sorted out, finances, household chores etc, does he think he won’t need to support you in anyway when baby comes?

I agree with @BewilderedDoughnut, you’re suddenly wanting him to step up when you’ve made a rod for your own back all this time and let him get away with doing nothing. Good luck.

I came on here for some advice and constructive criticism. Not to be berated and have responses like the two of you have sent. @peachypetite @BewilderedDoughnut WOW!

I've always done everything

That's the crux of it, op. You're having a baby with a manchild who sees you as the mummy. Don't hold your breath waiting for him to change because he's not going to. Sadly, I believe everything will get much worse when the baby arrives.

Vulnerability is a strength It’s time for you to lean into it

I know that sounds mad, but he needs it spelled out for him that what you’ve been doing until this point is unsustainable. (he probably doesn’t give any of this stuff much thought! He doesn’t have to - that’s your job apparently..!) ... But you cannot, cannot do it anymore!

Fast forward to parenting, and it’s an issue I’ve seen crop up with friends:

The scenario is this : mum does most of the care, so she learns how to do it much better than the dad. He steps in to do stuff sometimes, but can’t do it as well as her because he’s less practiced, so loses confidence, and let’s/asks her to do it instead. She takes over, and he loses even more confidence...

It’s a real viscous circle.

In my humble opinion, the only way any of us learn to parent is by giving it a go. So, as painful as it can be, you have to let them try their way, and learn in their own way too.

Often times they actually come up with great ideas, or better ways to do things!

After my DC1 was born I was bed bound and poorly for a few days. DH had to do everything, and it was soooo great! When I finally came to change a nappy on about day 6 I was clueless and he had to show me how!

So I really really recommend treating your own tendency to control-freakery as a big problem that you have get over. The more you do, the worse you’re making it..

You’re going to have a minging house for quite a while.. but the long term investement will be worth it

Hugs xx

Did you genuinely not think anything was wrong with your set up before getting pregnant? People have given you tips like draw up a rota but you’ve said yourself you don’t think he will change.

I'm actually gonna go TOTALLY against the grain here and tell you that I married your DP.

Well....not your actual DP, but his long lost brother. DH was a lazy fuck the whole time we were dating / married before having children. I would come home and it would look as though he had melted in the hallway, because his trousers, shirt, belt, socks and pants would be in a pile on the floor where he literally walked in the door and stripped off. AND LEFT IT THERE. (Who does that?????). Anyway. He never cooked, didn't even know how to turn the dishwasher / washing machine on. Never made the bed in 7 years and was basically just a lazy wanker. But I am a control freak. I like the bed made a certain way, and I am in charge of the washing baskets because I have a system (I know, don't even say it) and truthfully, I was happy to do it. That was until I fell pregnant and I was tired as shit and started to resent the fact that I'd cook the entire dinner, he'd eat it and then bugger off to play fifa and I'd clear up. One day I when I was heavily pregnant i snapped and we had it out. I told him exactly what I wanted him to do (nothing extravagant, baby steps to begin with - eg, I cook dinner, he cleans up. Even if we get takeaway, I'm eating my dinner and sitting on my fat arse because he is in charge of tidying). Don't ever leave your clothes anywhere other than the washing basket. If the dishwasher needs filling or emptying and he's downstairs in the kitchen, do it. Things like that. Easy to manage jobs. It took a little while and he still wasn't great for a while, lots of (gentle) reminders needed, however, as cliche as I know it sounds - the baby came and he absolutely "stepped up". I breastfed so did the night feeds, but if EVER baby wouldn't settle after I fed him, daddy dealt with him. Every single morning he took the baby and I got to sleep for as long as I could before he had to go to work. The second he got home from work, baby was his responsibility, this still continues 18 months later. It was as though the baby came and he suddenly realised how hard it can be, and I can honestly say although we may not be 50/50, he is approximately 5,000 times better than he was.

In short (lol), even the laziest of arseholes are capable of change. They just need a nudge in the right direction.

You need to have a conversation. He hopefully probably thinks it's his last chance to be lazy before big responsibility kicks in. Talk to him to see how he feels and then share your thoughts on how tiered you are and need help. Maybe hire a house keeper if he can afford..

He sounds really selfish and entitled op. I wouldn't do anything for him anymore. Don't pick up his clothes. Don't wash them. Make dinner just for you, wash only the stuff you've used. Don't pick up any rubbish he leaves lying around. You don't have to say anything just stop. If he starts to complain, tell him you just about have the energy to do all these things for yourself, never man for a manchild like him, and if he wants it done, well his hands aren't broken? My mother used to say "do you want me to wipe your arse for you and all..?". Your house will be messy for a while, but now is the time to see if he can step up, before the baby is born. If he won't now he never will, and you'd be better off/have less to do on your own and without feeling bitter, resentful and walking on egg shells.

A word of warning though, when a lot of men are faced with this (woman putting her foot down, and refusing to be their skivvy any more), they'll try to find another woman that will be a doormat for them and pander to their shit. Good riddance to bad rubbish I say if he does.

*never mind for