Breaking news to a friend who’s suffered losses

[aquadiaqua]

HI everyone, anon account because I don’t know if my friend browses on here and I’m not very anon on my regular account.

A very dear friend of mine that I’ve been close to since childhood has struggled to conceive for a while, finally got pregnant fairly recently, had an early loss, then got pregnant again shortly afterwards and the same thing happened again. She has been incredibly brave and stoic about it but obviously is completely heartbroken and I suspect might be struggling more than she lets on. She was endlessly supportive when I got pregnant (accidentally, was on the pill) with my now toddler and the fact that I had an oops pregnancy was never something she had ever raised in relation to her own subsequent struggles.

I had a coil fitted a few months ago and found out a couple of weeks ago that I was 8 weeks pregnant, I’m now around the 10 week mark. Coil is nowhere to be seen so we are working on the assumption that it was expelled soon after insertion.

Although it took us very much by surprise, now that the shock has subsided this is a wanted pregnancy for DP and I. I’m a little apprehensive as my health situation postpartum was very complicated last time and it’s fairly likely it may not be plain-sailing this time either but we are operating under the assumption that since we are forewarned we may avoid the worst of it, and we’d been planning on having another at some point anyway so obviously not the end of the world etc.

I imagine my dilemma is obvious by this point! I am absolutely agonising over how to break this to my dear friend. Having never been in her position, it is very difficult to work out whether to delay it (my instinct, since her last loss is still recent - I will have got pregnant about 2 weeks after she did) or tell her as soon as possible. I’m also very unsure how to word it - I want to be as kind as I possibly can but am anxious not to go accidentally overboard and sound condescending, or make her end up feeling guilty for my angst levels (she is as kind as you could possibly imagine so this is already very possible). On the other hand ofc, I don’t want to attempt to adjust for that possibility and end up doing it indelicately.

My instinct in general is that this is likely to hurt her no matter when or how it is broached and that is just something I will just have to face up to and deal with. But she is such an incredibly dutiful and robust woman, and I worry at some level that without being given permission to eg take a step back for a while, she won’t feel able to (that may sound silly of me but she is deeply deeply selfless, to a fault).

Does anybody have any pointers re things to mention or to avoid to make this as painless as it can possibly be for her? I know I can’t stop it from hurting, but I’d like to be as tactful as I can be and am conscious I’m already overthinking to a possibly destructive degree. I just can’t stop thinking about what a miserable kick in the teeth it would feel to be dealing with the aftermath of infertility and MCs and having people around you fall by accident.

I would wait until your showing so she has a maximum amount of time to get over her loss before needing to be happy for you.

Thank you. She lives quite a long distance away and we don’t meet up regularly at the moment (for distance and work/family obligation reasons) so there is no risk of her finding out until we announce it “in public”, which we’re not in any great hurry to do. I have said to DP that whenever we announce it, I want to have told her beforehand. I am happy to delay a general announcement so that I can tell her as late as is sensible.

I would text her as soon as you can (after 12 week scan?) and say you’d just like to let her know that you’re expecting again. No pics, no major detail. If it were me I’d want to know earlier as left too late and I’d feel it was being hidden from me.

Hi, although DH and I have never suffered infertility we did try for over a year before stopping (due to our upcoming wedding, were we got pregnant on our wedding night 😂) and the first month we had decided to stop trying we were told by 4 couple that are close to us that they were expecting, all by accident. We were devastated obviously BUT the way you speak about your friend I'm sure she'll be as happy for you as we were for our family and friends. From my personal experience, I think I found it easier when we were told via text. It might seem cold and distant to some but for me it meant I could process what I was being told and grieve in private without having to put on a brave face for the person. It's then in her court as to when and how she gets back to you. Tell her however you wish to word it (you know you and her best) but end it with something like: I understand that this may be difficult for you and Please let me know if there's anything I can do that will make this easier on you.

Hope this helps and I hope your friend knows how lucky she is to have a friend that cares about her feelings like you clearly do.

Definitely wait until you know everything is fine anyway after your 12 week scan etc. I would prob tell her soon after that either by text message or a text to say you need to let her know something followed by a call.

And congratulations! Sorry!

I also personally wouldnt even say it was an accidental pregnancy.

A million percent no pics!

Having been through multiple losses, I would have liked a heads up because I would need to pull myself together before I could face talking about it, especially others.

So after you've told your nearest and dearest but before you announce it to the wider world. I would have been gutted to see it on Facebook or a generic WhatsApp group.

She might appreciate you just being honest. Just 'I can't pretend to understand what you're going through but I hope it's not too upsetting for you and I'm here for you if you need me.' You could acknowledge the shit timing but it wasn't intentional and even if it was, you are entitled to have a baby when you please.

Also tell her when you know she's home and can have a little moment if she needs to.

Thanks so much for replying everyone.

@gypsywater - there is nothing I have been fantasising about more than being able to pass it off as a planned preg but sadly she knows I had a coil. She was fascinated by the fitting process etc so we discussed it a lot at the time and she knows for certain we weren’t planning a pregnancy so sadly it will have to come up I think. But yes, no pics, for sure and certain!

This comes up a lot.

The most accepted best way from people in your friend’s position (although there are always slightly different views) is a factual text message, short, no sympathetic “sorry you’ll find this hard etc, at a time you think they’re likely to be home.

Not face to face/on the phone.
No scan photo.
No “hope it will be you next”.

I say you know she’ll find it difficult anc I definitely wouldn’t ask how to make it easier for her. There’s absolutely nothing that will. Those well intentioned sympathetic messages just highlight the fact you can’t react normally to what is happy news. She’ll know you are a kind and considerate person thinking of her without saying it.

Congratulations and thanks for being a kind friend.

I found two things difficult when I was in that grieving period: being told about people’s pregnancies in a big group - so you had to really work on what your face was showing, and also the constant “oh I wish I was allowed to have a glass of wine/go scuba diving/eat Brie that I had to listen to from one person.
But you sound like a really caring and considerate person so I don’t think you’d do this. Personally I’d prefer a phone call to a text, but this may be my age speaking (I’m well past baby age now) - I’d get in touch in whatever your normal way is.
Best of luck. It will be hard for her, but with kindness she’ll be fine

I am doing ivf and have lots of friends who have fallen pregnant with an accidental third baby.

One couple told us while having dinner at our house with "I'm so sorry faces". Do not do that! Utter shit thing to do.

Another texted me a heads up text that she was about to announce it to our wider group of friends but wanted to tell me first. I cried for hours that day but it's the 'best' way for me.

I'd definitely wait until after the 12 week scan. Don't tell her about the coil etc until it's naturally brought up in conversation (which may be never).

Try and time the message for when she is at home with her dp.

I wouldn't say it was an accident even though she will know and text her at a "good" time like you know when her partner will be home with her.

X with PP

I recently had to do the same with a friend who had a MMC (my 12 week scan was the month her baby would of been born too so terrible timing)
Like a lot have said I went for the text option, she was so lovely about it to the point she got me a present straight away as she was worried I didn’t think she’d be happy for me.
I also had to tell a friend who had an abortion (no judgement, she had valid reasons) and she took it harder than my MMC friend- or at least she was more honest about it anyway.
Go for the text and give her the chance to be honest about how she’s feeling, then when you see her try to read her body language about the whole thing and accept that she may not be the friend who wants to talk pregnancy with you 24/7