Afraid I've accidentally been very tactless, where do I go from here? (Infertility)

[CoalCraft]

Hi, not sure this is the right place to ask... Guess it's a bit of a "what would you do"?

I have a friend that I've been close too for literally most of my life, since primary school. She was one of two bridesmaids when I got married and we've supported each other through a lot. When I fell pregnant after a short period of TTC I was very excited to tell her and it was a struggle to wait for the 12 week mark, though I did. DH and I hadn't told anyone we were TTC and hadn't talked about kids to others except in a vague "yeah, maybe one day" kind of way, so I expected her to be surprised and happy.

Well she was definitely surprised - I'd even say shocked - but not particularly happy. Actually things started feeling kind of awkward and stilted straight away. She said all the normal things but I felt things were strained and quickly changed the topic of conversation. She ended up wanting to go home quite early. I was giving her a lift back so off we went, and in the car she vaguely mentioned something about not being sure if she'd have kids any time soon because her dp wanted them to own a home together first. She clearly didn't want to dwell on it though.

After that she has been distant. It's usually her that initiates conversations if I'm being honest but I heard nothing from her for a while. I've gotten in touch twice since then by text. She replied both times but let the conversation die out quickly. The pregnancy wasn't mentioned; we talked about pets and our older families. Otherwise I've held back from contacting because I don't want to seem pushy; the most I've done is like some posts on FB. I don't post to social media myself (keep it for messenger only) so she's had no direct reminders of the pregnancy at all.

Where do I go from here? I guess the obvious assumption is that she has fertility issues or possibly has suffered a miscarriage but if so I had no idea. The previous time we met up (before DH and I were TTC) she and I were happily discussing our contraception choices so this has really come out of the blue. She's also never shown any signs of discomfort discussing pregnancies and births in either of our families and would often bring this up herself. Of course I know she could have been hiding discomfort but if so she's a much better actor than I realised! All I can think now is that something happened shortly before I told her my news, maybe a miscarriage or an argument with her dp about kids in the future... I only think the latter because of the one comment she made in the car. Or maybe I've upset her in some other way not related to the pregnancy at all, I just don't know!

So what do I do now? I haven't messaged in maybe a month and am currently 26+6 weeks. I don't want to push my company on her if it's not welcome but I'm also scared of losing her friendship for good It would help enormously if I knew for sure what was wrong rather than assuming but I can't think of how to broach it tactfully. I'm also scared that I've completely misread everything and she's fine with me and the news and is just drifting away out of being busy or whatever and will think I'm being weird if I ask if something's wrong. I'm a bit of an awkward sort generally.

Gah! Thanks for listening to my ramble. I just want to know what you'd do in this situation?

Just ask her. If she was a new friend then I would understand not wanting to be direct but this is someone you've been friends with since childhood. I cant imagine not just asking the friends I have from that time. Just ask her.

I don’t think you’ve been tactless at all... you had no indication that she was going through any problems before you announced your pregnancy (and still don’t really).

You sound like a lovely friend, you could easily have the same set of circumstances and be annoyed at her for not being happy for you. Instead, you’re being considerate and trying to understand what’s wrong.

Unfortunately I don’t think there’s much more you can do - you’ve reached out a few times, she obviously doesn’t want to talk about it. Its not like you’ve been insensitive and talked non-stop about babies.

She will either decide she wants to talk about it, or has decided to distance herself to protect her feelings. Either way, I think you need to let her come to you.

As the PP says, it's a good reflection on you that your default reaction is to be concerned about her, not annoyed that she's not over the moon about your news.

Sadly this has happened to two friends of mine, both had a best friend for years that dramatically changed when pregnancies were announced. One did turn out to be pure jealously, the friend desperately wanted kids but hadn't met the right person, but she was very honest about it and the relationship was largely rescued a couple of years on when she met someone and started her own family. The other I don't think my friend ever really got to the bottom of and they're still not on good terms many years later.

I think you're best to be open and ask her outright OP, in as delicate a way as you can. Maybe send a message to say you felt something has changed since that occasion, that you're worried you upset her somehow and is she ok? Good luck x

Hi OP, you sound like a great and considerate friend

Unfortunately it seems to be an increasingly recurrent theme on here that ‘friends’ of people announcing pregnancies are reacting negatively and/ or becoming distant. I think it’s a so cruel to do this to someone at the beginning of their pregnancy. You’ve been nothing but thoughtful OP. You could try broaching her and asking what’s wrong but please don’t let her bring you down.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP

You don't sound insensitive at all, and I'm the first to flag when people are and have had fertility treatment myself.

Could it be as simple as her being nervous of change, and losing you as your life moves on? Or as you say it's highlighted issues with her own fertility, or as she said it's just something that can't be on the cards right now for her.

I agree with the poster above who says to ask her, it doesn't need to be a big deal or specifically mention your pregnancy but a "is everything ok? You've seemed distant since we met up and I hate to think I might have upset you" good luck

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. I think what I'd like to do is go in with a "is everything okay?" type message abs feel out where things stand. I do feel that I'm beating about the bush a bit and don't like that, but on the other hand I don't want her to resent me for "forcing" her to tell me if she really doesn't want to talk about it.

I htink you will need to be more direct.

I would text/message her, because I think if there is something, she will wnat time to marshal her thoughts and think about what she wants to say.

I would send a messgae along the lines of
Is everything OK? I have noticed since I announced my pregnancy that you have pulled back a bit. I am wondering if this is a difficult subject or if I said anything to upset you? I I have always really liked our friendship and I would hate anything to come between us.

You’ve not been tactless at all and if you don’t ask her you will never get past this so just ask and when you do make sure you ask a direct question not just a waffly are you ok .

Hey OP, I really feel for you.

I feel for the ladies that can’t conceive and for the ladies in awkward positions. But I’m as brash as they come and that’s where the sympathy ends for me.

You’ve done nothing wrong and if your friend wants to go in a huff then that’s her issue not yours. If I was in your position I would outright ask my friend what the issue was and then leave it at that if she wasn’t willing to patch things up. There is only so much pandering you can do to someone before you have to just get on with your life.

I’m gay so you can imagine how hard it been for me to fall pregnant, me and my wife have been through the mill and it’s taken 3+ years, in that time loads of my family and friends have announced pregnancies and had babies and I’ve been so happy for everyone of them.
I reasoned with myself very early on that we would try and if whatever reason it didn’t happen then it wasn’t meant to be and we would look at fostering.
I feel too many ladies with fertility issues put their issues onto their friends and it’s not fair. We can’t help the cards we are dealt and some women just need to get their heads round that.

I do hope you sort things out but don’t be stressing if you don’t.

You say that she's the one that normally instigates conversations/meet ups. Rather than texting her, can you ring for a chat? Or meet her for a coffee?

It may not be infertility but just that 1) her DP is possibly dragging his feet on committing to a family or 2) she's aware that the nature of friendships change dramatically with a pregnancy.

How old are you and friend OP? I could be completely wrong but if you are young and some of the first of your friends to have a child, could she be feeling that the friendship might be affected, she won't see you as much or in the same way etc?