Worried about gender disappointment

[CatsInTheBox]

Currently pregnant with DC2. I'm a few weeks off finding out what we are having. I already have a DD.

I'm worried that I'll be disappointed if this baby is a boy. I'm trying to convince myself it's a boy, so I'm prepared.

It's not that I don't want a boy.

I'm not sure how to explain..
I don't have a great relationship with my dad. He's never been very interested in me or my brother. He wasn't interested In his mother either to be honest. Mostly left alone, aside from very infrequent and short visits.

When my brother met his now wife, he basically stopped speaking to our family. He's not spoken to our own mother in many years. What he's put our mother through breaks my heart. She has grandchildren that she's never met. There is a back story, though that's a totally different thread.

We had such a lovely upbringing. Though mostly single parent, and wonderful grandparents.

I have such a lovely relationship with my mum. Which I hope I'll have with my daughter when she grows up.

I'm scared that if I have a son he'll break my heart.

I Know of too many men, who aren't interested in their mums/family's , once they meet someone. Daughters don't seem to do that?

Try remember that you are giving birth to a unique and individual human being, not your dad. No one has any idea what that child’s personality will be like.
You have some quite outdated and rigid ideas of how men and women behave. My partner has a very close relationship with his mum. I have a friend with a 21 year old son that goes on spa days with her.
I barely speak to my mum and see her maybe once every 18 months.

You have some quite outdated and rigid ideas of how men and women behave

Reinforced almost every day with posts on how the DILs are going gift shopping and sending cards to their MILs or hounding their feckless partners to contact their mothers.

It’s a trope for a good reason

@Turtleturtle81 unfortunately, other than my DP, all the men I know treat their mothers in a terrible way. Many of which have used lockdown as a brilliant excuse to not see them this year! Though have had plenty of time to visit their fathers and other family members.

I don't understand it, I know some of these women, and they are easily to spent time with.

Obviously, there will be senarios on both sides. Though I can only talk of my personal experience.

other than my DP, all the men I know treat their mothers in a terrible way.

So, how does your DP treat his mother?

He will be your potential son's father. Don't you think he'll learn from this example?

OP- remember a lot of mum-daughter relationships sadly turn out to be very toxic too. Don't obsess by looking at existing male relationships you know (mainly negative- you will know plenty of positives with sons/brothers/men but just aren't focusing on them) as predicting your future. Its 1 scenario out of 1000s and you just wont know.
For what its worth I have son and a daughter and my little boy has always been so affectionate and sweet and I adore him, and has such empathy even for a 7 year old. He was a bit cheeky this morning for e.g. but then when I dropped them off at school breakfast club it was him stood by the window waving at me as I drove past- broke my heart! Feel blessed with whatever you "get"!

Oh OP, I do understand, honestly! I’m having a boy and I did want a girl so much. But it isn’t that he won’t be loved and adored and doted on. It’s just something raw and inexplainable, for me at any rate.

I had the harmony test, though (I am ancient!) and when they called me with the results the woman sounded so serious, I really thought she was going to tell me something was wrong. And that helped as it made me realise I loved him.

I hope you get your DD but if not, it doesn’t really matter. I do understand, though, I really honestly do

I was terrified about having a girl - my relationship with DM was difficult.....

However; a girl she was and though 1. she's 7 and driving me nuts 2. a total Daddy's girl this week I wouldn't have it any other way.

You are not destined to repeat the relationships of the past.

I experienced it so I know how you feel. It was my first baby.
I'd never find out the sex until the birth as I think it's far nicer to find out when your baby is right there not just on a screen.
I wanted a girl but we had a boy. The first thing I felt was disappointment. I wondered why I didn't have a girl. We knew two other people who were both expecting girls as well which made it harder. My mums hurtful comments about the fact she got the sex she wanted all 3 times didn't help either.
My husband struggled to understand why I felt the way I did. I have to live with the guilt every day, I love my son but I still sometimes wonder why we didn't have a girl.
It's not easy but it does get easier.
There will always be people who don't understand. But unless you've experienced it it's very difficult to understand how it feels.

We see her regularly, even though we live a good 2+ hours away. They are in regular contact, as I am with her too. Lockdown obviously caused this to be difficult but we stepped up other FaceTime etc so she wouldn't miss out on seeing LO.

We do every other Xmas etc. Do a fair amount of joint family things, though that was pre limit of 6.
We bubbled up with MIL after lockdown.

I guess what I'm struggling with is I don't understand why someone people split off from their family.

Remember that this baby won't be any of those other sons, he will be yours (if it's a boy, obviously!)

@CatsInTheBox
I see where you are coming from and it is understandable if your experience has been negative.
However, i promise you not ALL men apart from your husband treat their mother badly.
There are plenty of men out there being loving and caring sons. Young and old. And plenty of women not wanting anything to do with their parents.
If it's a boy, this is your chance to raise him in a way that will teach him family values and you can make sure you have a close relationship from the beginning. What he decides to do as an adult is a different story. But it's the same with a girl! There are things you can't control.
But if you start with the idea that it will just be a repeat of your dad or brother, it will be like a self fulfilling prophecy thing.

Also remember you will raise him or her with your husband, as a family.
Have you discussed your thoughts with your husband?

I feel like I'm waffling now.. but I had such a lovely relationship with my brother. And almost overnight it changed. His partner didn't like that we got on well and he basically stopped contact. It's been 10 years. I've been "over it" for a long time. I guess the idea of having a son. A brother for my daughter has just stirred it all up.

Thank you for all your lovely and understanding comments. It's nice to know I'm not alone in how I feel

With 2 girls you are not guaranteed anything about your future relationships or avoiding heart break. Your children may not fulfil what you want them to for you ,they are their own people.
Another baby on the way though, how exciting ! Congratulations.

I think preferring one sex to another is a bit of a taboo when it shouldn't be. I have a DS (desperately wanted a girl) and although I love him to pieces I am now pregnant with what we intend to be our second and last child, and I've been very open that I would still love to have a daughter. We're finding out this time and I know I will have to undergo a process to accept never having a daughter if that's what is on the cards for me. Doesn't mean I wouldn't love my son any less. My dad is very emotionally distant and to some extent my DH is too (he loves his mum but doesn't show this obviously in any way, he can easily go months without talking to her) so I understand how your experience of mother-son bonds can make you fearful of what your own will look like. I think the thing that annoys me most is when I'm honest about my preference for a girl and I get the response "oh well, as long as they're healthy" - as if by wanting a certain sex you're not as phaffed about whether they're healthy or not. You're not alone in how you feel OP and nor should you be ashamed of it.

OP, so many people feel like this as there's usually a thread a week on it - obviously different to your situation but gender disappointment is a thing. Don't feel bad for having these feelings. I am sure that in a few days you'll have a completely different outlook!

I really wanted a girl and instead I am having a boy. I wrongly assumed I was having a girl due to the amount of nieces I have in my family and was shocked when I found out he was a boy. I've never had experience with a boy, only girls and I am very girly myself so I naturally think I'm going to be a really shit mum and that's my opinion. However those thoughts left my head after a day or two and I started imagining all the things I could do with my little boy that I've never been able to do with my nieces and that makes me so happy and very excited!

Having a boy could eliminate all those fears and worries you have about men around you. And I can bet that you will raise him to be the best son, brother, grandson etc that he can be! Good luck!!

P.s also just waiting for the usuals to jump on with 'its sex not gender...'

With all children, you raise them well and give them love and all that they need to grow into well rounded adults and then you set them free. It doesn't matter what sex they are.

His partner didn't like that we got on well So you could say that the problem was caused by someone's daughter...

@SoupDragon I agree. I won't go into details but her whole family are a nightmare. She was abandoned by her mum. Brought up by her Nan, and only reconciled with her mum as a young adult. Always on social media, boasting about how amazing her mum and family are 🥴

The sex of your baby won't determine what your relationship will be like. I know plenty of men who have great relationships with their mothers, I think you just have only negative experiences to relate to but as others have said, your child will be their own person

I think gender disappointment is actually a lot more common than you think. I didn’t realise I had the reverse until after I found out I was having a boy. I’m the youngest of 5 and they’ve all had girls, so I wanted to be the first to have a boy for a few reasons. 1. I’m the youngest, so all my siblings had all got married, bought houses, had babies before me, it would have been nice to be the first to do something. 2. If he was a girl, I know for a fact my brothers wouldn’t really be bothered.

I didn’t think I’d mind what the gender was, but when I found out he was a boy, I did realise I wouldn’t have been as happy if he was a girl. Everyone I know who has had gender disappointment has said it completely disappears as soon as you see your newborn baby x

DH speaks to his parents at least once a week, I speak to mine about once a month. No ill-feeling or anything, just that that's the right level of contact for us and we all enjoy it that way.

I like my PIL very much and get on very well with them but the relationship is still very much maintained by DH, not by me. DH as two sisters. Of the three of them he is definitely the closest to his parents and has the easiest relationship with them.