How to handle worrying news at the 12 week scan - and telling others

[Penguinpinata]

Hello, I’m currently feeling a little bit overwhelmed and worried, so this is a bit of a rambly post to ask for any advice from people wiser than me....

I’m 39 and 16 weeks pregnant with my first baby, due in March. At the dating scan a few weeks ago, the sonographer and then a consultant picked up that they think the baby has a cleft lip (my local hospital has a Fetal Medicine Unit, so they do a very detailed scan as routine.) They couldn’t say at that stage if it was ‘just’ a cleft lip, or if it was a symptom of something much more serious although they thought the nuchal scan looked fairly good so advised against an amniocentesis at that point till we had the next scan. Because of this uncertainty - helped by the fact I’m wfh full time due to covid - my partner and I haven’t told many people about the pregnancy yet till we know if it’s definitely viable, and it’s hard having to explain to people why we’re not just at straightforwardly happy, but I’m finding this period quite sad as a result, as I’d love to be getting excited and making plans but am instead worrying about what might happen at the next scan and even if it’s only a cleft lip, how that will still mean surgery for the baby and I won’t be able to breastfeed, etc.

I think what I’m also finding really hard is that my trust has cancelled the usual 16 week appointment entirely, meaning I’m not due to see a midwife till 22 weeks so I’m feeling a bit lost with no one really to talk through what might happen at the next scan, especially if the results are much serious or check how the rest of the pregnancy is going.

Has anyone on here has also had worrying news at the 12 week scan and how did you handle telling (or not telling), people - I don’t know if I need to tell anyone at all, but I feel a bit odd pretending that everything is all normal and exciting when I already know the baby will then be having surgery, etc - and I guess I’d love to know if anyone have any tips on feeling a bit less isolated? Lots of my friends have children but none had any medical issues or the pandemic to deal with so their experiences have been quite different, and I’m finding pregnancy apps/books with their jaunty ‘you’ll be seeing the midwife this week! Why not meet friends for a pregnancy yoga class!’ messages don’t quite work in the current climate.

Thinking of you Penguin x

Thinking of you @Penguinpinata. We were similar to you and had concerns raised at 12 weeks which meant there may or may not have been bigger issues. Also like you we didn’t really find out what was going on until I had the amnio results at nearly 19 weeks. I didn’t tell as many people as I would have done if the 12 week scan had been all good, but I did tell close friends and family, and as you say it was really good to have that support. If you need that support now then if you have the energy you could tell friends (or a select few) what you are going through. X

Thanks all for your good wishes (and @notinthestarsigns, I hope you got the results you wanted with yours.) The first set of results have come back as normal so we’re just crossing everything we have for the full set in a few weeks time and that the next scan I have is better than the last. My paranoia keeps telling me they’re only suggesting another anomaly scan because they’re pretty sure there are more anomalies.

I spoke to a lovely specialist cleft nurse yesterday and we’re meeting them next week so I’m hoping that if it ‘just’ turns out to be a cleft lip and palate we’ll be as well prepared as we can be by the time the baby arrives.

One of my colleagues now knows and has been lovely so I think I’m going to try and tell a few more this week for a bit more support. In part, which I know is horrible, because I don’t quite have the usual patience with some of my team or clients’ complaints right now!

@Penguinpinata that is really good news, I think you have to just have to take it one stage at a time. Unfortunately it was at that stage that things weren’t so positive for us. We had an early anomaly scan where all looked normal, but unfortunately when we got the first set of amnio results we found out our little boy had patau syndrome. When we went to have another scan and discuss with the consultant just before 20 weeks we found out his heart had stopped beating.

It is so difficult going through what you are with all the uncertainty, and I know that had my pregnancy had continued, I would have been anxious all the way through until the birth but there isn’t much you can do so although you are right to be cautious I would certainly take the results as a positive and if any other problems are picked up it’s possible that they may be things that can be treated. Good luck!