No bond with unborn baby

[badmom123]

NC for this but tbh it's pretty outing anyway with the details. Sorry its a long one.

So I am currently 36 weeks pregnant with baby number 5

We currently have 4 sons who I adore and they are all mommy's boys. Youngest is 4 and oldest is 12.

It's no secret that I have always wanted a girl, I love pink and all things girly myself, but I have never been disappointed when finding out we were having boys as I am a big believer in you get what you are given for a reason and I am under no illusions how lucky we are.

I have always loved being pregnant and have instantly bonded with the new life growing inside me each time, but not this time. This time feels so different.

I feel like the worst mom in the world! When we found out baby was a girl we had so many people who made comments about how happy we must be it's not another boy, how this must be our last now we 'finally' have our girl.

I have loved being able to buy pink and floral and have shopped plenty. But there doesn't seem to be any bond there.

I always refer to our family as 'my boys' someone commented I can't say that anymore and I actually burst into tears?!

It maybe because this baby wasn't planned? We had decided on no more children. Infact we were using contraception at the time but things happen for a reason. Or maybe because of lockdown I have felt alone and not really had the same experiences as with other pregnancies? Or the fact it still doesn't seem real as with all the others I had health issues such as SPD whereas I have had no issues at all this time and feel really well.

When she kicks and moves about I actually find myself feeling annoyed, getting up to go to the loo every hour through the night pi**es me off.

I am just worried that when she is born that I won't have this overwhelming feeling of love that I had with the boys.

I guess I'm just feeling rubbish and low atm.

I do have a history of depression but I have never suffered from pre or postnatal depression.

Thank you in advance for any comments or advice.

Hi @badmom123. I don't have any advice, but didn't want to read and run.
As a FTM at only 16 weeks, I have no idea what normal is, but I don't for a second think you're a bad mom.
I'm sure there's still shock, hormones and definitely the strangeness of covid restrictions playing havoc with your emotions.

Hopefully others will be along with real advice, but be kind to yourself. Pregnancy is a rollercoaster of emotions x

I think you might need to let your midwife/G.P know how your feeling.
Your not a bad mum, you must be exhausted. I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful xx

Lockdown has effected so many people in different ways. This pregnancy would have been different just on that alone. It’s been a really stressful time for every one. I bet you’ve had your hands full with the kids over the school closures and summer, dont under estimate the effects it would have had in you. Scans and hospital appointments would have been isolating. You may also have a touch of pregnancy depression.

Don’t be too hard on you yourself. This year hasn’t been normal.

You will love her when she’s here

I only have 1 child so far but can completely relate! I loved my unborn child from the moment I found out we were expecting but certainly didn't feel that bond that everyone talks about. That all changed the moment she was born. Don't be too hard on yourself! Like you say 'everything happens for a reason'. Perhaps you don't feel that instant bond because this is your chance to spend with your boys before their little sister comes along. Not to mention the fact that this year has been hard on everyone and none of us and feeling like ourselves right now. Try not to stress about it too much.

I’m nearly 40 weeks and don’t feel especially bonded to this baby. I don’t think I did in my first pregnancy either. I still loved the baby as soon as he was born though. I haven’t found out the sex either time and maybe not being able to imagine/name baby has caused it, which could be the same for you as you don’t know what a daughter is like?
I wouldn’t worry too much, wait and see how you feel once baby is here

I didn't bond with any of my three until they were born. I hated being pregnant and just felt resentful for feeling sick all the time.

I had been trying for a long time and given up hope when I conceived my second, and spent the entire pregnancy in denial. And, if I’m honest, played the fake it till you make it card for her first few months. Love her to pieces now, several years later.

Hugs. It will be ok, but this has been a terrible time to be pregnant.

Thank you so much for all the replies.

It certainly has been a strange time to be pregnant. Hubby had missed all the scans and tbh it's be so surreal.

Lockdown was especially difficult with all the boys at home. I have been doing the fake it till you make it thing, everyone has been saying I must be so excited and of course I have agreed with them but I just don't feel bothered.

I have everything crossed that once she is born things will be different but I think it's worth mentioning to the midwife? I have an appointment next week.

My hubby has no idea I feel like this, I've not told anyone but you wonderful people of MN so your comments have helped me a lot.

Yes mention it to the midwife. I bet she says others are feeling this too. Make sure you have a lot of support after the birth so you have plenty of time to snuggle and smell your baby

Definitely mention it to the midwife if it’s eating you up like this. But seriously, the expectation that every mother will bond with her baby in the womb - or even get the “rush of love” immediately after the birth - is unrealistic and harmful. I did feel bonded with DD during my pregnancy but my circumstances played a big part - it was a planned pregnancy by IUI and I was aware that I was pregnant very early on. None of that in any way makes me a better mother than you. It doesn’t matter if you first feel connected to your baby from the end of the two-week wait or weeks after the birth, as long as you are responsive to your baby’s needs and feeling ok in yourself.

I'm annoyed with mine too, if it helps OP. 40 weeks along and the kid is starting to irritate me because it won't make an exit! Pregnancy hormones aren't the most rational (I properly burst into tears at the lyrics to Natasha Bedingfield's Unwritten the other week .) I think the bonding will happen after birth, for me anyway.

I’d definitely tell both your husband and midwife how you feel. I agree with @b0redb0redb0red too, there’s so much pressure on having to feel a certain way and worrying when you don’t feel the things you should.

I have two boys and am pregnant with a girl and I have similar feelings. I wonder if it’s just that you can’t really picture/imagine having and loving a little girl but you know (from plenty of experience) that you’ll love a little boy. That’s how I feel at least. A bit like when I had my first and everyone tells you how much you’ll love it but you can’t imagine it because you have no experience of it.

Well, you’re having an unplanned baby, with four young children already, in the middle of a pandemic, and purely because it’s a different sex to your four existing children, you feel you should be doing handstands in delight? Cut yourself some slack.

And honestly, maybe your ‘bond’ with your other children was the unusual thing. I was busy with a completely absorbing project I was desperate to finish before going on maternity leave, and I can honestly say that while I took my health seriously, avoided alcohol, caffeine etc, I barely gave my pregnancy a thought until 36 weeks, when I had to stop work. I dont think my bond with my son was affected.

As others have said already OP, don’t beat yourself up about it Definitely worth mentioning it to your DH and midwife just for a bit of support. I think there’s a little bit of everything at play here! I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant with my first and the pandemic has definitely thrown me off. I’ve felt quite alone during pregnancy.
Also, the fact baby wasn’t planned - I’m assuming your boys all were? Pretty sure it must be normal to feel a bit thrown off by an unplanned pregnancy no matter what stage of life you’re at
I’m sure once your little girl is here and her 4 lovely big brothers are all fussing over her your heart will be bursting ❤️

Thank you again for all your replies.

All of our boys were planned and yes this one was a bit of a surprise.

I have talked to hubby this evening and he feels the same way! He said it all feels a bit surreal for him especially not having been to any scans or appointments. So I feel much better knowing he feels strange about it all too.

I will definitely mention it to the mw this week as I am lucky to have a great connection with her.

I feel so much better after reading all of your comments.

Name changed back as I no longer feel like a bad mom thanks to all of you guys xxx

Glad you managed to talk to hubby @silverstorm101 😊 my DH was feeling the same way about our first little one as he hadn’t been able to go to any scans or anything. I ended up taking him for a private scan at about 26 weeks just to try and make reality set in a bit 😂
You and hubby sound like you’re on the same page and I’m sure this little girl will complete your lovely family ❤️

Is it possible you're feeling guilt that you re scared you might love her more than your boys due to other people's comments so you're subconsciously trying to sabotage that.

I'm a bit down in this pregnancy - a few factors like partner etc but also anything that isn't ruined by pregnancy has now been ruined by corona 😂 I had a big cry earlier about how bad my life was because a quiz night I go to has been cancelled twice in a row x

I felt EXACTLY like this with my son. I was so so worried I wouldn't love him. I remember thinking that the midwife passing him to me would feel emotionless, like being passed an amazon delivery. I was SO wrong. The second I heard him cry I burst in to tears and I worship my boy. I'm completely in love with him now.
For me it was a combination of just being so busy with other kids and also, I think, detaching myself because of anxiety something might go wrong.

I can also relate to being annoyed at kicking. I usually liked it, but I remember one time my DD was throwing a huge tantrum and the baby started kicking me. I just felt they were both teaming up against me. I shouted "pack it in!" At my stomach. My husband looked so shocked and told me I 'couldn't say that' so he got told off too - I might have been a bit too hormonal and stroppy

When I was pregnant with my son I was initially told he was a girl. At that point I had a clear image of the baby, basically like my daughter but a bit different. When I found out he was a boy a week later it completely changed and I had the feeling of having no idea at all who was in there.
Of course, the initial imagination was a complete illusion and would still have been if the baby was a girl.
When he was born he looked exactly like his sister anyway.

Aw OP. I am so maternal and love my children dearly but DC3, now 8 months old, was a big surprise as he was a contraceptive failure. I also had 2 other young DC and had just handed in my notice to start a new job the day before I found out I was pregnant.

I didn't feel quite the same for a long period of my pregnancy as I had with the other two and felt awful about it. I still had the same level of care and anxiety over his safety, if anything it was worse, but I found it harder to attach which upset me.

Fast forward to when he was born and everything fell heavily and clicked into place all at once. I love him so dearly and I couldn't imagine him not being here. I now attribute my lesser attachment during pregnancy with the fact I was simply too busy, with a 4 year old, 2 year old and new job, to sit down and really focus on being pregnant. You have 4 other DC to look after! I'm sure all will be fine when she is here :)

legalseagull that is EXACTLY how I felt :)

I have 4 boys one girl. My daughter is in the middle and I see her as the rose between the thorns. Don't actually mean that totally love my boys and same as you op love being able to say my boys. I'm on my own with the 5 of them and my daughter is my friend I have such a great bond with her, as you will with yours. The minute she is here you will feel complete and your boys will adore her. My house is always filled with banter and horse play from the boys which I love, but my daughter helps bring the peace. Xxx