32 single and pregnant, no idea whether to tell the Dad or what to do

[Mu1988]

Hi everyone, I’m in such a mess.

I started dating a 27 year old man in August. I’m not on BC and haven’t been for a while because of clotting (long story). I have also been told by a gynae I’d find it very difficult to conceive naturally (another long story). So there was a period of time at the beginning of this month when me and this guy slept together without any protection. He’d run out of condoms. I’d explained I wasn’t on BC but I didn’t think I was in my fertility window and given what I’d been told about finding it difficult to have children, we (foolishly) took a risk but had protected sex after this.

After we had been together for about another 2 weeks, he discovered that his sister who lives in NZ had taken her own life and he became very withdrawn and depressed. This is on top of him losing his job in lockdown. When we did talk and I tried to support him he was irritable and rude. He admitted he’d struggled with his mental health for years. I backed away but never hearing from him was a struggle for me and we broke things off 2 weeks ago after a 6 week dating stint.

Around the same time my boobs started to feel very sore, I felt very tired, bloated, crampy, and I just felt pregnant. I’ve now had 3 BFPs from digital pregnancy tests and I think I’m 5 weeks.

I was absolutely shocked when I did the first test as I genuinely never thought I could get pregnant. I haven’t told a soul and I feel sick every time I think about it.

I’ve got my own house, good job and supportive friends and family. I could raise a baby alone but I worry hugely about how other people would perceive me. So whilst I could raise a baby by myself, I’m not sure I want to.

As much as I would like to have my own decision in my head before contacting him, if/when I do that, I’ve been mulling this over for days and I just can’t help but feel like I need his help to decide. If he wants to be involved and/or wants to give our relationship a go I think I could be persuaded to keep the baby. If not, I would probably terminate. But this is obviously a really difficult time for him and I’m not sure I should even be bothering him in the first place as I’m worried I’ll make his mental health worse by telling him.

Can I have some opinions please?

He has a right to know that he’s going to be a father.
He also has the right to decide if he wants an active role in the child’s life.
He also has the legal requirement to pay child support.
You need to tell him.

I wouldn't try and pursue the relationship but I would tell him you are expecting and leave it as that.

I’d be careful making the decision to terminate, if your health conditions mean you might struggle again.

Reason I kept my dd, I’m single mum and 32 this year. I live at home, have no income but do have support. I’m so happy with the choice I made. You’re in a better position than I was.

I did tell my dds father but I was firm, and basically said he could be a father or not up to him but he would have to pay. He’s a good dad to her now she’s 22 months x

@HiccupDiccup

I wouldn't try and pursue the relationship but I would tell him you are expecting and leave it as that.

Thanks. I haven’t decided if I’m going to keep the baby. I feel as though I’d want to decide on my own but then when I think about it I just can’t do it and want him to help me decide. It’s like a catch 22.

You can’t base termination or not on being with the father.

You also cannot base it on what other people think!! They will get over it.

Do YOU want a baby? Are you happy to do it alone as a relationship is absolutely not guaranteed.

If you decide no then terminate and don’t tell him.

If you make the choice to have the baby alone then he has a right to know he has a child. You don’t have a right to put the pressure of “if we stay together I might not terminate” on him. If a relationship works great, if it doesn’t then ok. The baby choice has nothing to do with that.

@Breastfeedingworries

I’d be careful making the decision to terminate, if your health conditions mean you might struggle again.

Reason I kept my dd, I’m single mum and 32 this year. I live at home, have no income but do have support. I’m so happy with the choice I made. You’re in a better position than I was.

I did tell my dds father but I was firm, and basically said he could be a father or not up to him but he would have to pay. He’s a good dad to her now she’s 22 months x

This is really interesting to hear, thank you. I do worry I’d never be able to conceive again. I’m so glad it’s worked out so well for you

The decision is hard which is why you are almost wanting to outsource it to him sweetheart, but it’s yours alone to make x

If you want a baby and can afford to have a baby then have it, and tell him about it
If you're sure you don't want it then terminate and don't tell him

Okay so there's a few points: you cannot base your decision of a termination on ether this guy and if he wants to be involved and work on your relationship. No, that's not a good idea and could lead to disappointment further down the line.
You should tell him, he has a right to know he's fathered a child.
Lastly do you want a child? If you're going to have difficulty conceiving again, and you were to abort this pregnancy would you regret it?

You shouldn't make a decision based on his reaction... What do you REALLY want??

@FelicityPike

He has a right to know that he’s going to be a father. He also has the right to decide if he wants an active role in the child’s life. He also has the legal requirement to pay child support. You need to tell him.

All of the above.

However, I don't think that you should base your decision on what you want to do on what he wants.

At the end of the day, literally, you will be doing the childcare, changing the nappies, waking up in the middle of the night. He may or may not continue to be around, regardless of what he says now.

And whatever else, absolutely do not base any part of your decision on 'what people will think '. This is 2020, not 1950.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

This may be your only chance to have a child who is biologically yours. I'd grab that chance with both hands. Congratulations!

Anyone who judges you for being an unmarried mother is not worth caring about.

Your Ex sounds like hard work. It is easier raising a child alone than raising a child with someone who will make things more difficult for you.

It sounds like you have all the basic things lined up to be able to care for a child.

It is therefore your decision.

Have a think, if you were told right now the baby was gone, would you be faintly relieved or sad? If sad, you have your answer, and you want the baby.

It has worked out great, I suppose it was an easier decision for me as before dds dad I’d been in a long term relationship and wanted a baby and that’s when I got told about my polycystic ovaries, I also wasn’t having hardly any periods. I’d come off contraception in order to conceive, then we broke up in July. I’d all but given up hope and then the following February I’d met dds dad, we only lasted 6 weeks too.
I was embarrassed and scared but knew I wanted my baby. Had an early scan and saw her at 6 months due to a bleed. Heard the heart beat and that was that, the fear and embarrassment ebbed away.

Plus I live in countryside full of married farmers ect been here generations. Believe me I’m sure I’ve got judgement but unluckily all behind my back and I don’t care. also I’ve know a single woman in her 60s who wishes she’d just had a baby alone as she was always waiting for the right man.

You only have to read on here the affairs or total lazy twats that don’t help. You shouldn’t count on a man.

Once a baby is here you won't regret it. Do you have a support network? Would parents help? Honestly no one will care if you become a single parent plenty of people become one without planning it ie from being married ect and thrive! It will be tough at points, but if you will have difficulty conceiving again think very, very carefully about a termination as you may not get the chance at being a mum again. Xx

I had my daughter alone at 29, I did have a career, own house and savings although she was planned but dd dad buggered off before the end of my pregnancy.

She is now 16 and it has been tough at times, ups and downs with finance have been the main issue, I couldn’t continue the career so started a new one inc a degree when she was a newborn, never regretted it.

You sound as though you are well set up but it killed off my social life, I’m 46 now and have been out 5 times in 16 years, I’ve been too knackered, I don’t even remember my 30s it’s as though they didn’t happen, so I’ve never had the family set up I wanted, neither has my daughter so don’t under estimate the impact but as I said overall no regrets at all.

There is still a stigma around single parents, ironically those who has judged me the most have been sahm and you only have to read posts on here to see it is very much alive so you need a thick skin or good come backs, I’m very passive aggressive sarcastic now and don’t let people get away with any remarks or comments if they are made to me, neither does my daughter. I’ve also campaigned for single parent rights (male and female parents)

If you think you can’t make the decision on your own, do tell him no matter his reaction, he might surprise you at least you know you shared it and wouldn’t have ‘what if I’d told him’ hanging over you.

I don't think you should base your decision of wether or not to have an abortion on if the father wants a relationship with you.

It wouldn't help his mental health if you say you're going to terminate the pregnancy because he doesn't want to be with you.

Please don't base your decision upon whether he wants to continue in a relationship with you or not. He could change his mind at any point and leave you again.
And people who judge you for being a single mum aren't worth the time of day!

Thanks for all you replies, I’ve read each every single one but I can’t possibly quote them all to reply to!

I understand it’s not a good idea to be basing my decision on whether or not we would be together raising this baby. But I’m trying to get a picture in my head of the support network I’d have around me. If he isn’t in the picture, I have great family and friends but my parents for example live 40 miles away and I worry about COVID and lockdown and that they wouldn’t be able to help me..... not throughout pregnancy nor when the baby is here. I would be due end of May 2021 so it’s fully likely I would spend a lot of this pregnancy on lockdown? And covid restrictions may mean my parents can’t help me when baby is here?

If you want a baby and can afford to have a baby then have it, and tell him about it
If you're sure you don't want it then terminate and don't tell him

That’s what it boils down to. You can’t wait for him to make the decision. He’s in a bad place and even if he says he wants to be the father and involved in the baby’s life, it might not pan out that way. So it’s really your decision to make.

And next time use condoms with guys you’ve only met to avoid catching any nasty STIs.

Congratulations, first and foremost. I was in a kind of similar situation to you, loving family and friends but alone a lot of the time. There were some hard times first time around but not because of him, he was joy. The relentlessness of feeding and changing was tough without a break, the sheer volume of knowledge I had to absorb was staggering and the responsibility ... wow, intense. At the centre of all of that was the most fascinating, vulnerable, incredible, beautiful little human who taught me what it is to really and absolutely love. It was hard and delightful, invigorating and exhausting, the greatest thing I have ever done. I am so proud of him and thankful for him. Yes, Covid makes things different quite significantly but there will be ways.

I realise every situation is different. My experience will be different to the one you have. If it helps to know, the father was more present with the second child and in my situation it was unquestionably easier doing it on my own than with someone I had to supervise. Wishing you all the luck in the world.

Remember that his initial reaction could be one of a huge range (including anger at you). It will almost certainly take him a while to work through his own feelings and, as PP say, where he comes out (e.g. supportive involved dad or absent father resisting paying CM) may bear no relationship to his initial reactions. What I am saying is that even if you do talk to him as part of your decision making process, you are unlikely to be any further forward. It might give you the trigger you seem to need to make a decision, but I am no sure it is a good way of doing it. You do need to try and locate your gut instinct as to what you want irrespective of him, so that you can either seek termination or continue the pregnancy knowing it is right for you. I can tell you are finding that hard though. Often we do need a decision to be "made" before you know your true feelings, so one option might be to book a termination and take steps down that road.

How big a deal is it for you if your parents can't be there all the time, will you be expecting them to help a lot? Do you know that they will want to help out all the time?

40 miles isn't far at all, it's not like they're the other side of the country and they can be in your bubble so it's not as if you won't be able to see them if lockdown gets tighter. I'm also due in May and not worried about lockdown as I know I'll always be able to see my DM, she lives about 1 hr away from me

I think maybe you should tell the father and your parents first before you make a decision so you know where you stand with your support network

Ps I'd ask mumsnet to have this moved to the pregnancy choices board rather than the pregnancy board

It's your body, your choice OP. You're not with this guy and if you decide to terminate then you don't need to tell him. If you decide to keep the baby, then keep it for you, because YOU want to be a mother, but make that choice on the understanding that you will be doing it alone. After a relationship of mere weeks you cannot pin your hopes on this guy professing his desire to get back with you and play happy families. Even if he does do that (unlikely, but possible), the relationship is quite likely to fail in the long term, because the two of you haven't chosen to be together.

So you choice is this: do I want to be a single parent or not? And don't worry about what other people will think. Other people don't matter. Your desire to become a parent and raise this child on your own is all that matters. So do you want that?