Scared I won't love this baby as much

[Hardbackwriter]

I know this is quite a normal way to feel, so I guess I just want some reassurance. I'm 20 weeks pregnant and have a two year old. I had three miscarriages before I had DS and he was so desperately wanted, I felt so incredibly attached to him (and so incredibly anxious about him) during my pregnancy. This one wasn't exactly an accident but it was a bit of a surprise - we had sex once without a condom; we both wanted another child but also assumed that it would take a couple of years again and were prepared that it might never happen. I feel like I still can't get my head around the fact that I got pregnant with so little fuss but also - and this is the bit that makes me feel guilty - that I just don't feel as attached to this baby. I don't think all that much about being pregnant and I feel very relaxed and unworried, which in some ways is much nicer but also makes me feel like I don't care as much? I keep thinking that it'll change when I get a bump, when I feel movement, when I find out if it's a girl or boy but all those things have happened now (the baby is the sex that I had a slight preference for so this isn't a gender disappointment thing) and I still just feel like I won't care about this baby the way I do and did DS, which makes me feel awful. Did anyone else feel this way and can reassure me that it will be different when the baby is here?

Gosh sweetie seeing your post is exactly what i would have written 3 years ago when i fell pregnant with my second DD... its a horrible feeling isnt it?

I googled many times 'could i love another baby' how do i manage with 2 etc...

I can honestly say hand on heart i love my DD2 as much as my DD1 and its true, the heart just gets bigger it doesnt split!

Good luck x

Perfectly normal. Before you had your DS you were focused very much on his pregnancy, birth and beyond, and with sad losses behind you of course you would have been feeling everything very intensely. This time around you have your little DS to focus on first and so this pregnancy is less intense. But when your baby is born you will definitely love them as much.

As my wise grandmother told me: "love doesn't divide, it multiples". It keeps on growing.

I remember being much less "involved" in my second pregnancy, focusing on my DD took all my time and energy that I did wonder where a new baby would slot in, especially with a 4 year gap - life was busy and we had moved on from the baby days of sleepless nights and changing bags. But then DS arrived and it was as if he had always been with us!
Good luck with the new baby 

Thanks so much for these lovely comments - I guess the other thing that worries me is that I just inherently prefer toddlers to babies and obviously it's fine, the new baby won't be a baby forever and I did very much love DS in the baby stage but I also have this fear that this dynamic will develop where I naturally gravitate more to DS more early on and then that's hard to break - is that a thing or an irrational fear?!

I think you're confusing the concern and worry you had the first time for attachment. This one is easy and you didn't have the longing and you had the first time. I don't think you will love it any less it's just those emotions are missing this time because of how easy it was. Hope that makes sense

This is incredibly, incredibly normal, OP. I remember when I was pregnant with my second reading to my toddler first in floods of tears, wondering WTF I was doing to his lovely little life I even had a bit of it eight years after dc2 was born, when I was pregnant with their much-wanted little sister, who has been their absolute favourite person since she was born. And as soon as they were born, it all disappeared and the love was there.

I think that does make sense @lucymagoo and I know logically you're right - I don't really think I love DS more than my friends love their easily conceived children - but I guess I have this sense that he'll somehow be more special to me because he was so longed for; I know that's silly. I guess what I worry is that I tell myself that everyone feels like this, that of course I'll love them the same when they're here - but then I think that actually, sadly a lot of parents do have favourites and a golden child etc and so it doesn't always sort itself out and what if that's me and no matter how I try DS2 ends up feeling second-best?

The fact that your so concerned about it tells me that won't happen parents with a strong preference for one child wouldn't be so concerned with caring for each child equally they just are how they are

I thought the same but now second baby is here I couldn’t possibly love her more

When I was having my DC2 I thought I wouldnt love him as much and felt guilty for my DC1 that they were going to have to share me etc and kind of resented the baby for making me feel like that and the fact I had to go through labour again ( not their fault I know!! Pregnancy makes many people a bit crazy) but as soon as I set eyes on him I knew I couldn't live without him and loved him unconditionally instantly! Im sure you will feel the same 🥰😘