Worried I won't cope with 2 kids

[DesOck]

I know that's quite strong but I can't think of another way to put it. I'm not sure either whether my fears are in overdrive or not.

I'm 21 weeks pregnant with my second. I already have one DS who is 6. He is absolutely lovely - sweet, quirky, funny and loving. We had been trying for a while to have a second but I was always a little more ambivalent about it than my DH.

Life is good right now, despite everything going on. It's easy, we can do things with DS really easily, he's lovely to be around and we all get enough sleep. He gets enough attention and we largely get enough time to ourselves.

In the past few weeks I've been overwhelmed with a sense of dread that this has been a mistake and I'm pushing my luck. DS is excited to be a sibling but I'm freaking out it's going to disrupt everything so much, make everything so much harder. I've also gotten fixated on the idea that this new DS is going to have severe autism. I don't mean to be offensive and I think I've partly fixated on it because it doesn't show in scans. I think I'm partly fixated on it too because of the communication difficulties. For all my scans I've been nearly paralysed with fear beforehand. My friend also has a DS with severe autism and I've seen the huge impact it has had on her DS, her, her family. I am so frightened of being in that situation and not being able to cope or my DS not coping either. There were some concerns about our DS raised by the HV when he was 2, my DS seemed to become more settled and we were advised not to pursue anything, and his school have never raised concerns either, but I still have that niggle. That he may have milder autism and this DS will be more severely affected.

I don't know what I'm asking for really. I know to an extent my fears are irrational. There's nothing I can do about it now! I am worrying a lot too because I'm really overweight, BMI is 41, and I'm also scared my weight will have harmed them in some way.

I just feel like everything has been so good that I shouldn't have pushed my luck. I don't know. Is this normal? Does anyone else have these kind of thoughts? How do you get over them?

Anyone?

I’m 35 weeks pregnant with my first so I can’t offer any comfort that everything will be ok with 2 children but I do think I will have the same fears with having a second. I think most people worry about the change in dynamic when adding to their family but you have a great age gap where your DS is a lot more independent so I think that will help a lot with adjusting.

All fears when pregnant and slightly irrational thanks to pregnancy hormones. I also have the same fears around autism especially because I’m having a boy I just try not to buy into my fears so much as ultimately what will be will be and I know these pregnancy hormones are making my fears 100x worse.

I had similar thoughts op. I felt endlessly guilty that I was taking away that one on one attention DS1 was used to (I’ve only got an 18m gap between mine), would I love the new baby as much, how would I cope with 2 of them, what if something was wrong with DS2 etc

I think I was just apprehensive about the change in dynamic but actually everything’s been fine

DS1 was wary of DS2 at first but he couldn’t really comprehend what had happened as he was so little himself but gradually over time he’s come to love him

DS2 has slotted right in and actually the closer I got to the birth these fears went away. In terms of coping, I just sort of had to but didn’t have to’cope’ if you see what I mean - it didn’t feel like just coping as it wasn’t very very very hard (don’t get me wrong a newborn and toddler is no walk in the park)

Really hope you feel better soon OP

I was really worried how I’d cope with my second. The first had been so difficult, difficult birth he barely slept, didn’t wean well, relationship badly affected for months. I found it really hard.
This time much easier labour, after initial feeding problems she’s now sleeping for 3 hours at a time at night. First born loves her to bits and it hasn’t had much effect on him. Relationship not affected by the new baby. Have a couple of issues as we are trying to move house but if we were settled it would be fine.
The first time out of the house alone with two is scary but fine after that

I think it's completely natural to worry. I was in tears the day before my induction with dd2 thinking I'd already ruined dd1's life.

Now dd2 is here (12 weeks old and utterly amazing), it has been tough but only in the sense that a newborn baby tends to be. Dd1 adores her sister and dd2 is already far more interested in her big sister's antics than any black and white book.

I found reading the following helped: 'The Second Baby Book' by Sarah Ockwell-Smith and 'Coping with Two' by Simone Cave.

I hope you feel better soon OP.

I’ve been the same, I had my first 9 years ago, was a single mum for years so me and DD have always been close and been through quite a lot together. Now I’m pregnant again and starting to panic about how we will cope with such a big change. I know it’s silly, this baby is very much wanted and loved but I can’t stop worrying that I’ve changed everything and that unknown is terrifying

Once your children bond you will enjoy that relationship
Nothing will change yours between for 6yr old but do allow special time even if little when your newborn arrives.
My 5yr gap is like they are twins it is lovely
I get left because they are mates the bond is unreal people comment.
My youngest adores the older sibling
Try relax and let it unfold.
Baby's only harm is you worrying to much as mums always do.
I think you will learn to work together as a family with baby all because it naturally has to along with resting as much as possible
Wait until you watch your child meet baby that is special!

Seriously get the tissues have a good cry sometimes it's a release.
I cherish and adore my youngest. I am sure you will too.

I’m 23 weeks and bloody terrified I’ve really fucked up. I’ve got a fabulous 3 yo DS why the hell did I want to get knocked up and roll the dice? It’s mental. I’m worried for myself. My DH and DS and myself.
Its such a big risk. But the potential reward is another gorgeous DS, that’s what I’m clinging to.
Good luck OP. I totally understand what you’re feeling, autism is my biggest fear, it’s in my family and risk is higher with boys.
Good luck. X

Iv got a 4yr old daughter with autism.. a 2 and a half year old son with autism and a 9month old baby (hopefully she dosent have autism) and I'm now pregnant with baby #4 .. and I'm 25.. its a struggle at first every time u welcome a new baby into the family but once you get into a routine it all pans out! Routine is key in my house.. good luck you will be fine xx

I think although it will undoubtedly be hard, that your DS will get so much out of having and being a sibling, that it will be well worth it. And 18 months means that although hard at first- not too long in the future they’ll be interested in similar things and you can have brilliant days out together.

If you've made an amazing child once I'm sure the next will be the same! Your fears aren't based on much solid ground, it sounds to me like you're a great parent to your DS and I'm sure everything will work out far better than you're imagining them to. Please try and stay positive I know it's easy to think worst case scenario but I get the sense everything will be fine