Needing a hand to hold - pregnancy after loss

[JeffV]

Hi all,

I'm looking for a bit of a hand hold. I have had two miscarriages this year after TTC for quite a while; one suspected ectopic and one early. Im currenly 7 and a bit weeks pregnant and I'm so so so anxious. Im struggling to keep a level head and am constantly worry that I have or will cause harm to this little one. I had an early scan at 6 weeks due to the ectopic and got to see our little person with flickering heart. Whilst it was lovely and the most wonderful moment of our lives - Im still so anxious. I have phoned by GP to discuss this and what I can be doing but it wasn't very helpful. She just said I need to distract myself by going for a walk etc. Whilst im trying to this most evenings I cant all the time. I have contacted the miscarriage association as she suggested as well. I don't have a MW appointment until 10 weeks so can't get any advice there.

Im just looking for some advice for getting through pregnancy after loss. I know this anxiety isn't good for the little one as well so any advice would be great. I get so wrapped up in my head about over heating because I've been wrapped up under blankets, that missed folic acid a couple of weeks ago, working in a lab with chemicals, being in the office during covid etc etc the list goes on.

Sorry I know this might all sound insane - its been a rough year and just need a hand hold

@JeffV awww I’m not surprised you feel anxious after what you have been through.
I suffered two early losses in 12 months and am now 37 weeks pregnant. I was so excited to be pregnant again but not prepared for the anxiety that would hit me!!

I would say, allow yourself to enjoy your pregnancy and feel positive and hopeful! Your body is an amazing, safe little world for your baby and it does so much for your little baby to help it grow and develop. All sorts of amazing things are happening in there everyday!!! Anything that has happened before is not your fault and could not have been helped.

Also your little developing baby is so stronger, stronger than we realise!! They are hanging on in there, changing everyday!!

Don’t worry that you missed the odd folic acid, just take your vitamins and eat well when you can. Don’t beat yourself up.

RE Covid, just keep safe and social distance like everyone else but don’t read too much in to it. It’s natural that you’re on high alert, this means you are already a great mum but just try to relax and look after yourself.

It’s good that you’ve asked for help, you are really strong for doing that! I would take the anxiety may ease a bit as you get further into your pregnancy, I found the scans and midwife appointments calmed me down. It was a long time in between them sometimes but during that time just think how amazing your body is that it’s doing all the work to keep your baby safe!!

I would say the anxiety*

Hi @Galaxycat

Thank you for replying. Im really sorry to hear about your losses but massive congratulations on being 37 weeks pregnant. You give me so much hope!

Thank you for you kind works and reassurance. You are right I need to try and enjoy this. It can all just feel a bit much i guess. Did you have any extra scans or appointment?

Aw love, I've been there. Currently got my 14 week old rainbow baby snoozing on me. I lost my first pregnancy at 9 weeks and was devastated and traumatised. Got pregnant 3m later with this one and apart from a moment of sheer joy when the second line showed up, relief at the 12 and 20 week scans I was an absolute wreck for 40 weeks.

Unfortunately I can't give you many coping strategies but I can reassure you that it's normal and I understand how you feel.

See if you can get referred by your GP or MW for counselling. I did this far too late, and my first appointed was on my due date which was bloody pointless as I delivered at 40+1. However, I spoke to the maternal mental health team several times, went in regularly for scans all the way through due to loss of symptoms and later reduction of movement. My notes are filled with " gin attended triage today ++++anxious" every time I was treated with understanding g patience and compassion.
Sadly this happens to so many women the team are used to it.

Things that helped me:
Positive affirmations
Trying not to google things
Keeping busy/distracted
Walks
Working towards milestones
Remembering it's like to happen once (1 in 4) but highly unlikely to happen twice.
Eating well
Drinking g plenty
Sleeping as much as you can.

Take care of yourself xx

Hi OP, I can totally relate.

I had a MMC at what I thought was 11 weeks last November and then a CP in Jan this year before falling on my next cycle. I am currently 35 weeks and so far, so good. touches wood Baby currently having a hiccuping fit in my tum whilst I am in the bath!

The reason why I can relate so much is, exactly as @Ginfilledcats says, apart from the joy of 2 lines and the short lived relief of scans, it seems like nothing can take away the worry and you spend all your waking hours worried about what might go wrong this time.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but even in the third trimester, the worry doesn't leave entirely. I still get angsty after a few hours of having not felt baby and can sometimes catastrophise.

HOWEVER, the good news is the odds are on your side this time. I had early bleeding with this pregnancy and assumed the worst and was wracked with fear ........ and here I am today. Apart from that had an amazing and fairly easy pregnancy, near the end of this journey and so close to having my baby. And I feel like this is your lucky time too ❤🌈

Pregnancy is a weird thing in that just because it has happened before, in no way does that mean it will happen again. Each different time is a completely different pregnancy. And remember that generally, if you have no ill symptoms (chronic cramping or heavy bleeding) that usually means everything is absolutely fine.

I appreciate I am just rambling at this point! 🙈

*@Ginfilledcats had an awesome list of things you can do to temporarily put your mind at rest until the next milestone. But I would also recommend a good Netflix series ... sometimes something so OTT and extreme it makes you forgot about the real world. Tiger King and Don't F** with Cats had me gripped and provided a couple of hours of light relief .... even though the second choice is not for the faint hearted!
Do what you need to do to get by ... if that means having extra scans, go for it. I had one at exactly 12 weeks as my NHS one wasn't until 13 and 4 and I didnt want to be surrounded by elated, happy pregnant women should I get bad news. I still sat in the waiting room of my NHS scan frozen with fear but I need'nt have worried. I had another one at 18 too, just before 20. Do what you need to do to get through :)

This is not forever @JeffV. It feels like it when you first find out but time does go on and you WILL get there in the end.

Sending love. 💗

Also been there OP. Another positive tale for you. 3 early losses in the space of about ten months. It was so miserable, especially the last one as I really thought we'd cracked it. Always before 7 weeks for me and then this was just after.

Somehow managed to conceive just a week after the third loss. It was a matter of weeks before our wedding (12 week scan was 4 days after) and I was bloody terrified. Very fatalistic. Anyway, despite a slightly rocky start and GD, the result of that pregnancy is 2 in November. His baby brother, a bit of an accident, is 7 weeks. Both fine.

Nothing you do or don't do will hurt this baby. They are extremely well protected in there. It's galling and scary to have no control, but you don't really. What you can control is your response. As pp said, extra scans will maybe help, lots of distraction and understanding no two pregnancies are alike. This is a different baby. You know it's on the right place, so it can't be ectopic. You've had a scan, and once you've seen the heartbeat the odds of loss go right down. At this point your odds are good. I never really lost the fear with my 20 month old, but it did settle once I started feeling movement. Hang in there.