Critical family

[SunSparkle]

Hi

Is anyone else struggling with family (mostly in laws) having a real critical opinion on everything? Apparently the car seat we are buying costs too much, we should buy a travel system for £150 rather than the pushchair that will work for our lifestyle. Opinions on names. My family are generally lovely and accepting particularly about choices we’re making that are different because advice has changed etc.

I was trying to keep everyone equally informed and involved but the criticism is really wearing me down and taking the excitement out of what should be a happy time.

Anyone else? Just feeling a bit crap about it all today.

Stop sharing so much. Don’t tell them name ideas and if they ask if you’ve bought x item can’t you just say yes it’s sorted and move on?

Your in laws sound like my parents who have to have an opinion on everything and then will let you know forever if youve not made the decision they want.
I agree entirely with peachy. Make your decisions, enjoy them and don't give the in laws details. X

For me I found this a case of welcome to parenting I'm afraid.

With other things like work, hobbies, opinions are less because not everyone either was a child or has a child.

So as soon as you fall pregnant every single person has an opinion on everything forever more. It gets worse when baby arrives. Dummies, sleep, feeding, routine, etc etc etc.

Make your own decisions and smile and nod along.

Yes MIL hates everything we buy and we spend too much money. She offers to pay for something and then refuses because she doesn't like it. We just buy what we want and if she pays, she pays and if she doesn't then that's fine too. Actually I prefer her not paying so I don't have to discuss it.

DH gets angry, I just laugh about it. I don't like her 80s taste coupled with shit cheap quality either so it really is a difference in taste. I also don't like the clothes she bought for the baby but I just don't tell her. She'll figure it out eventually. I do think she means well, and thinks she is helping us by offering her opinion.

Just stop telling them things. We told our families nothing. It was none of their business. With no information, they couldn't criticise. Why do they need to know?

Just smile and say "there we are then" without giving way at all. For names especially just don't tell them.

Let me tell you something important: it's YOUR child. Which means YOU have the responsibility, YOU make the choices. You being both parents of the child (in most cases). Everyone else is extra!

We didn't tell anyone names until kids were born. Same for a few friends of mine. You choose the car seat/ pushchairs you think is appropriate and you can afford. Say yes yes to other people and then do what you want. If it were for my mum I would be going for my 3rd Csection!!!!!!

Please don’t tell anyone the baby’s name until they’re born.

You are all right!

I thought if I didn't share when they asked direct questions they would think I was being stand-offish or a bit weird (they already think I'm 'posh' which is frankly ridiculous).

I will tell them that we're keeping future name chat to ourselves and will announce when we meet baby.

In regards to the equipment/clothes/whatever else comes up next, I think my partner will just have to lay some boundaries e.g. we are making choices based on what's right for us, and then not share links etc.

I was so cautious about alienating the in laws (I know some DIL keep them at arms length unfairly) that I feel I've overcompensated and now I have to deal with all the crap that comes with it.

Must grow thicker skin and learn to not take it all so personally.

Don't say you are keeping the name a secret, either lie and say you have no idea what you will call your child or choose names you would not use yourself like Norman and Normetta, and pretend those are the names

I had to deal with this shit from my MIL, first grandchild for them, my Mum was really supportive probably because her MIL was absolutely awful. I was given a hand-me-down waterproof coat when Ds was about 2 and I didn't like it but it was free and he would grow out of it in 6 months I debated buying a new one and stupidly shared that info with my MIL thinking she was past all the crap. She said don't buy another.

She took him out for the day and lo and behold, lots of photos of my son wearing a brand new waterproof coat she bought him! However he was returned with the hand-me-down. So he wore the coat she bought twice as they didn't live near us so it wasn't like he got any use out of it but she kept it at her house. Really petty crap. Luckily as time went on she stopped doing this might have been the big blow out row Dh and I had with PIL about over-stepping boundaries

Definitely stop sharing. If they ask get your Dh to tell them that every time they shit all over your choices, it doesn't change what you will buy so why bother telling them.

@SunSparkle I feel your pain 😓 I just very quickly decided that I didn’t mind being the bad one 😂 I’ll happily tell MIL what items we’ve bought if she asks but I’ll also happily tell her it’s nothing to do with her when she makes a comment on it. If she’s in our house and sees something we’ve bought she rolls her eyes at it all because it’s “over the top” 😂 She doesn’t believe in any new safety guidelines or modern products at all because her children grew up fine and didn’t have those things 😅 she wants to be involved in EVERYTHING that we do for baby 😳 shopping, appointments, online antenatal classes 😐 and thinks I’m being selfish when I say no lol. She sent me a list of names that she would be “happy for her grandchild to be called” then didn’t speak to me for a week when I told her they were all horrendous 🙈😂

She has also made it VERY clear that she would appreciate being allowed to the birth 😂 (not happening) 😂 so I’m sure I’ll never be forgiven for that.

@RWK29 oh my god. That sounds horrendous! Good on you for standing your ground. Your MIL needs some boundaries!

The 'I didn't have any of that and my kids grew up fine' is familiar as is 'all these new rules/guidance are a bunch of crap/designed to make you spend loads of money'. Tried to explain about different car seat safety tests and Which magazine recommendations and got told that a £20 seat from Asda was just as good and I'm being duped.

They are very much buy cheap, buy twice people, whereas I try and buy the best I can afford (or get the better option second hand).

Just breathe! I know I'm lucky to have so many people invested in loving our baby but it's hard to get used to when they've never been this involved in our life or choices ever before.

@SunSparkle Yeah this will be our first baby and I didn’t realise just quite how interested in you people suddenly become when you get pregnant 🙈😂 you’re right that it’s lovely to have so many people that want to be involved but it can definitely get a bit overwhelming!

The car seat one is very familiar 🙈 isofix base is a “waste of money” and if MIL has baby she’d rather just have the infant carrier “strapped into the passenger seat” so that she can “keep an eye on baby” 🤣🙈 she’s definitely off the babysitting list!!

Completely agree with buying the best you can afford (I know other people really disagree with that when a lot of baby stuff gets used for such a short amount of time). For us, this will be our first child and we hope to be lucky enough to be able to have more at some point in the future so I feel that if we buy good quality things now then hopefully at least some of it will be able to be used for future children. I’m well aware that I’ve spent far too much on some things but some baby things are just too cute and I couldn’t resist and I have no shame 🤣😂

You really need to stop telling them things! Why would they need to know which travel system you are buying or how much it cost? I haven't told my in laws (or anyone) any details like that at all 😕 Not sure why anyone other than myself or my husband would be interested in our finances and how we are budgeting/spending for our baby.

When it comes to names, the most sensible thing is to tell absolutely no one at all any name ideas until baby is born and you announce a name. I know for sure my in laws will hate the name we've chosen for our baby, but I doubt they'll say anything about it to our faces when we tell them 'this is X'.

Stop telling anyone anything. I shut down any unwanted discussions by saying brightly ‘You know, I’ve never given it a thought. I’ll figure it out once the baby arrives!’ to questions about anything from pushchairs to names to childcare.

This is why I don’t tell anyone anything 😆 but yeah as everyone else has said, don’t feel obliged to answer nosy questions or take any notice of other people’s opinions

My inlaws had problem with the hospital I was showing, though its completely my comfort they wanted me to show in hospital where their daughter had shown 🙆‍♀️ and they got a chance to speak when my first ended up in miscarriage they said we told you to show in 'X' hospital. Which I and my husband never liked. So again I m 7 weeks pregnant and showing at different hospital and their comment sarcastically like it's their wish!! Exactly it's my wish and none of your husband and I never replied to their comment about hospital.

None of your business* sorry for the typo 🙈🙈

Yeah not mentioning anything is the easiest way - there's always someone willing to give their opinion! I'm finding it annoying with my second as I often have appointments when we don't have childcare so need a GP to help out and then it's like the Spanish inquisition when I get back from the hospital/midwife.

Stop telling them anything!

Give vague answers.

Change the subject.

Life’s too short to try and appease people like this, paddle your own canoe.

You are not alone! They probably just want to be involved. You can ask what names they like rather than telling them which ones are on your list. With the items say you know it's pricey but you researched and want to spoil yourself with good quality. I hope they'll get your drift and stop soon. I did have lots of criticism for names but I genuinely wanted to have opinions of close relatives before we decided. Once I told them our current top name I said we both really like it so don't spoil it for us, both set of parents said they loved the name. I think it's okay to show you are vulnerable and they'll think twice before criticizing you.