Adamant I wanted no more children

[C1air3J]

Hi everyone.

I'm really struggling here.

Bit of background information. I'm 35, I have two daughters aged 10 and 8 from a previous marriage. I've been with my current partner for 5 years, he has two children from a previous relationship too, who are a lot older. We were both adamant that we wanted no more children.... this was pretty much set in concrete to the point I was looking at sterilization only a week ago. Over the last couple of years, we've had some issues with our relationship, all down to his ex and due to him having some health issues.... it's put a lot of pressure on us, but we're still standing.

Anyway, I'm pregnant. 5 weeks pregnant and I am terrified. Our entire landscape has shifted. We're considering our choices. For a couple so adamant on having no more children, we're softening to the idea of having this one.... him even more so than me! We're weighing up the pros and cons and i feel awful saying it, but there's so many cons. I feel incredibly confused and I'm struggling to rationalize it all.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice is welcome.

Thank you.

@C1air3J it is so hard especially when you were adamant you didn't want any more. You need to go with your gut feeling as having children is always going to have negatives (even if planned for). Would having a scan help you decide?

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and for not being judgemental. If I have a scan, then it sort of becomes real and I truly don't think that there will be no backing out... do you know what I mean? I feel awful saying it out loud. Jeez.... this is hard.

@C1air3J don't give yourself a hard time.
A baby is also a lot of pressure but they're amazing as we all know.

Rhetorical questions for you-

Would it 'complete' your family unit?
Have you got the room?
Financially ok?
Partners health issues serious enough to affect baby?
Are you stronger as a couple after the issues you've had?
Would it affect your relationship if you were to terminate esp if partner keen on having it now?

Etc etc, I'm sure you know these but hope it'll help 🤞🏼

I was in a similar situation and had really good phone counselling via Marie Stopes. Very unjudgmental and unbiased, whereas I found talking to friends or family hard as I didn't want to make it public and they also had their own views.

For me in the end the right answer was a termination - I was very sad and regretful at the time, but the procedure itself was ok, and now it's over a year on and I am extremely glad and sure it was the right decision. Other friends of mine went through with surprise pregnancies and are also sure it was the right decision for them.

Only you can know your fully situation and work out what's best - whichever answer is going to be hard in some ways but you are strong and you will be ok.

@C1air3J I completely understand. My sister has two children and her partner has one but no kids together and she is adamant she doesn't want anymore.
You have got to ask yourself do you feel like if you had another child that they will be loved the same as your other children and complete the family? Or would there be resentment?
Are you and your partner emotionally and financially able to accept another child in?
I suppose would you fall in love with the child as soon as you see him or her and can't imagine your life being any different?
Only you can answer that and maybe as time goes on and you have more time to think about it the answer will become clear. 😊 X

Unfortunately no one can make that decision for you!

Thank you everyone for your replies, it really is appreciated.

Financially we're sound.

We have the room.

I've never felt like we needed a baby to complete us.

I know my girls would be the best big sisters. There may be a little resentment from my eldest even though she loves her step dad.... 7 years on and she still wants mummy and daddy back together - she's far too young to be told why we separated. She loves the idea of the perfect household.

My partners health issues will forever be on going, but I don't think this would have an impact on supporting us, both financially and physically.

We just had our future mapped out very differently, however the thought of a baby has made us all warm and fuzzy.

I think speaking to a counsellor would help tremendously. I'll call Marie Stopes and see if that helps.

Thanks again everyone!

Warm and fuzzy, you have space and money, kids will be happy with another addition. Sounds to me you have made your mind up already, and wouldn't regret continuing the pregnancy. But your choice of course. All the best of everything to you.

Maybe write everything down, look at the financial implications, the effect on your DPs health and his long term prospects.

Whatever you decide it will be right for you as a couple, so try not to have regrets

One last point - you mention how the thought of a baby makes you warm and fuzzy. How does the thought of another child or teen make you feel? As they're babies ultimately for such a short time, the difficult decision is less about the baby part and more about the dynamics of the 5th child and what the pros and cons of that will be.

@C1air3J I think you know where you heart is. This is a good place to air it though as people are 'mostly' kind!

Friends of ours were well into their 40's, two successful careers, four teenage daughters, when the wife began to think she had started the menopause.... their late unplanned shock baby son was born a few months later. He is the worshipped and adored centre of the family.