Hello everyone. I'm not pregnant, but I figured you guys would be the best to help me and offer words of wisdom. I've had a couple of bad cycles recently. One early MC at 17dpo 2 months ago after 2 glorious days of being pregnant, after a year of trying and then another CP last month, I tested early. Both times I got my bfp I became so very anxious. I convinced myself it wouldn't stick and it didn't.
I'm in this awful pattern where I spend the first weeks of each cycle so low, then the second trying to relax and telling myself I won't obsess so much this time, then about cd 8/9 the anxiety creeps in and I start tracking. Post ovulation I spend week 1 trying to relax and then week 2 convincing myself I've got all the symptoms, only to be terribly disappointed and around again I go. This month, when I had my CP, I wept for what felt like days. I feel so very low.
You see my OH has performance anxiety and I never know if we will be in with a shot from month to month. It helps if I relax and put no pressure on, but the thing with tracking, is I know when I'm fertile and so I feel desperate around those times and that makes it so very hard to relax when I feel so desperate. I am 33 and I desperately want to be a mum. My 'trying it on' really does exasperate his anxiety and he is so embarrassed and sad and sorry that he can't perform when it happens and historically he has been the one to take the lead in the bedroom so my trying it on is somewhat out of character and a giveaway. I've suggested manual ways (AI) to get around his issue but he was mortified. I think he has this romantic idea of what conceiving a child should look like.
I have wondered if it would be better if I just didn't know when fertile, but I'm scared to track nothing, as my fertile window fluctuates each month. I can ovulate anywhere from day 12 to day 17 and with OH's performance anxiety, we are lucky to BD once in every fertile window. I try it on every other day or so but we are rarely successful and this is creating more tension outside of the bedroom. With every passing month our sex life goes more to sh*t and I feel like I am perpetuating the problem and becoming more and more depressed and desperate. I'm sure I am entirely unattractive at the moment. The way I'm feeling, I never feel sexy, I feel like TTC is consuming me. I'm the last of my friends to fall pregnant and I feel as though I am getting left behind.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for here really. People to tell me they've been there and it worked out in the end, some words of advice, wisdom or best, any success stories out there of people who have relaxed completely and solved anxiety issues and conceived with BD'ing just once or twice in a month without tracking.
I think for my first few months of trying my luteal phase was too short, but the last 6 months I have extended it with supplements. I do feel fertile, I just feel so much like I am getting in my own way.
Thank you for reading if you've got this far and congrats to you all xx