Too early to tell anyone and friends keep asking if I’m pregnant...

[Littlebee1990]

Most people close to us know we’re TTC, I had a early miscarriage in June and told a few people very early on in over excitement and did tell our nearest and dearest about the loss.

We found out last Monday that i’m pregnant again and depending on LMP / ovulation date I’m anywhere between 4+4 and 5+4.

Since getting the positive test (Ok TESTS everyday.. I’ve stopped now!) I’ve not told anyone apart from my partner of course, I finally braved filling in the self referral form today and rebooking in an early reassurance scan for 7 - 8 weeks as they kindly held the deposit for me but I just cannot bring myself to tell anyone yet, I’m not ready to share the news or have people ask me (meaning well I know) how I’m feeling etc.

I’m really struggling with friends asking me “are you pregnant” “has your period come”.. I’m a crap liar and I just hate it but I just want to get past the 5.5 week mark we got to last time before I even think about telling the closest people to me. We’ve got lunch and cocktails on Saturday and I’ve made an excuse to drive but despite that I’ve still had messages saying “X said he can give us a lift”.. my friends all have children so surely remember this period of fear, they all fell first time and fortunately for them haven’t experienced any losses but I just feel awful for hiding it but I just cannot talk about it yet.

Has anyone else felt similar? Any advise? Sorry if this sounds ridiculous.. I’m so worried about something going wrong that I’m probably driving myself mad! X

What I’ve done is said I’m not drinking because we do plan on trying again when I emotionally feel up to it, & it upsets me to talk about it.

It’s only half a lie, it does upset me talking about it because I’m so scared this will go wrong, and I did stay off all the bad things for the most part because I knew we wanted to try again and I wanted nothing to cause me to blame myself if it happened again.

Sucks that people can’t respect/understand how traumatic it really is.

Also, pandemic can come in useful as an excuse.

"We're not going to tell anyone if we're pregnant again until we've had a scan so please don't ask me from now on."

Vague and to the point.

It's tricky

If you tell people you are TTC they will ask if you're pg (if they are nosey...)

Just bluff it out for a few weeks

@BabyLlamaZen

"We're not going to tell anyone if we're pregnant again until we've had a scan so please don't ask me from now on."

Vague and to the point.

This. This is all you need to say. If they press on despite it just say what sansa suggests “it upsets me to talk about it”. They’d have to be heartless to carry on about if after that. You don’t need to be rude but just firm. State clearly you don’t wish to discuss it. They’ll soon get the message!

Could you just laugh and say "even if I was we wouldn't tell anyone so early..."? Then change the subject, even add a 'so please stop asking" if you feel it's needed.

They may well then guess, but they should stop asking and think twice when asking others in future. My friend said something similar to me a few years ago and I was sorry that I'd asked, but also thankful cos I didn't put others in the same situation again...

Thanks everyone! I never actively told people we were TTC but they knew we wasn’t being careful... they have no idea I was pissing on sticks 🙈

Congratulations OP.

I had a very similar issue with a friend, except after recurrent miscarriage.

I had told her after my first loss not to ask me when I'm going to try again, if I was currently trying or if I was pregnant. I told her that I found having to tell people I'd lost a baby so very distressing. She ignored me completely and was constantly asking me.
FF, we don't speak at all now, but that's because she has been really struggling ttc and according to her she'd rather have been in my shoes losing babies. I have my rainbow now and she couldn't face it. My heart goes out to her.
Anyway, I think the best thing to do, like a PP suggested, is just say that you find it upsetting to talk about and that your anxiety is heightened after your loss, you'd really appreciate just avoiding any chat about ttc, cycles for now as it's not helping your mental health.
Good friends will respect that.
Wishing you all the best!

'Has your period come'?! Who asks that? Totally rude. 'I'll let you know as soon as there's anything to tell'. Next time don't tell people you're trying.

Sorry pressed send too soon!

So far all I’ve said was that no my period hasn’t arrived but after the loss in June I’m not getting my hopes up and hoping for the best, when asked again I’ll say when I’ve got some good news for you to share I’ll share it so stop asking me!!

& ive definitely learnt a hard lesson not to be so open in future. We’ve been together a while & always spending time with our nieces and nephews so people just assumed we were TTC and we didn’t deny it.. next time I’ll be more aware! X

I'd maybe try 'I really regret telling people as I hate being asked now... Feels like too much pressure. I'll let you know once I'm happy to as and when it happens. would really appreciate not being asked again, thank you!'

When they ask just reply "no not yet but can you please stop asking me? Even if I was pregnant I wouldnt want to tell anyone until after the first scan as we have had previous losses and its too upsetting to have to keep telling people we have had miscarriages"

As an aside I FUCKING HATE THIS. I can't fathom WHY people ask such an invasive question. If I know a friend of mine is trying for a baby and they aren't drinking at a social event - I don't mention it. They will tell me when they are ready.

I've had so many people ask me whether I was pregnant yet and I'd actually just had my second miscarriage. So I was faced with the awkward situation of lying or discussing something very upsetting to me.

I knew a friend of mine was pregnant but she hadn't told anyone and didn't know I knew. When we were at an event people asked her why she wasn't drinking and she sort of said "oh I'm doing a dry month" and people started asking questions so I swooped in and said "good for you my lovely can I have your prosecco" and changed the conversation. I could rant for ages about this. Just mind your business if people want to share they will. When they're ready.

@Gemc81 I’m exactly the same as you, I would never and have never asked anyone, if I suspect I would never ever probe.

The same friend has just asked me “are you sure you’re not pregnant” even after asking me yesterday if my period had come.. I literally replied (in a jokey way) saying “can you please think about something else aside from my sex life and ovaries” but if it’s mentioned again I’m going to say please stop asking me!

If I wasn’t pregnant and was having a shitty long cycle like last month after my chemical pregnancy then all these questions would be seriously upsetting, I’m not keeping quiet to be difficult, it’s because I’m bloody petrified and right now I’m happy in my bubble with my partner right now x

@Littlebee1990 I would text this friend and explain that, while I'm sure she is very excited about you having a baby and having news to share of a pregnancy soon, her questions are really upsetting you as you have suffered previous losses and are still struggling with conceiving. As and when you have news to share you will share it but she is being intrusive and it's upsetting you a lot.

If she carries on I would distance yourself from her tbh. A real friend would not carry on after you have made it clear you don't want to discuss it with her and its not her business anyway xx