Sister is planning to convince

[smileygirl1995]

So I'm still new to this app so I'm hoping this will post in the correct place.
I'm 25 and found out 6-7 months back I have pcos after talking and explaining to my gp (who was in fact lovely, so friendly and helpful) that I would like to have kids, it seems I'm going to struggle to get pregnant, for me this was really hard to hear as I have always wanted to be a mum, she's said it's not impossible but I will find it increasingly harder the older I get as my cycle and ovulation have slowed down, I have gone on a strict diet (lifestyle change) as I am overweight and I've seen being overweight doesn't help, my question is and this is going to come across to some people wrong, others will understand me completely, I am going to use a donor next year to try to conceive, I've actually been talking to him for a few years now this has just hurried the situation along a little bit but was always going to happen, my problem is my lovely older sister is also planning I believe next year also to have another baby, she's already got a little girl of her own, but she's planning to start trying for a baby with her partner as I say next year.
My issue is I am trying to write her a letter to explain what's going on with me and that I don't want to step on her toes by doing this I've actually been planning this way longer then she realises and I want her to be happy for me but I fear her general feeling is going to be pissed off! Angry at me for stealing her thunder as such.

How would you all suggest I go about this? Shall I just sit her down and tell her and hope she will support me, or am I just peeing against the wind she's never going to forgive me???

I really don’t think you should give this too much thought in terms of ‘stealing her thunder’. This is your life and you have given it a lot of thought. Conceiving is not always easy for anyone and both yourself and your sister don’t know when it will happen, it’s not an exact science.
Your sister should be happy for you and if she makes a fuss about it that’s her problem not yours.
I wish you luck.

Sorry about the health issues and well done you for being proactive on the weight front but you’re so young still why the hurry?
Why don’t you want a partner/family rather than your proposed arrangement which sounds like it could get messy

As for your sister you’re way over thinking it why would you write to her? If you have a loving relationship and want to take her into your confidence around your issues and plans then why not just do it she might be a source of great support

Hi, fellow severe PCOS sufferer here, beard, acne, insulin resistance and all!

I have a period about once every 6 months, my cycles can be anything from 26 days to 6 months long, so I totally get the infertility fear 100%.

However, you’ve been slightly misinformed. Although yes, a lack of regular cycles makes it more difficult to conceive, if you religiously track ovulation you have the same chances as anyone else, the difference is that you won’t ovulate as often as other women, so your chances are less frequent if that makes sense.

Over the last 2 years since DH and I started trying properly, we’ve become pregnant pretty much once every 6 months. Sadly until this last one, my pregnancies have ended in early miscarriage (nothing to do with PCOS by the way, all were blighted ovums). I’m currently 10 weeks pregnant with what will hopefully be our sticky bean.

We’ve managed it by ovulation tests 3 times a day every single day, temping and just getting to know my body at the time of ovulation, so now I can literally sense when it’s happening and confirm with tests. Have sex/ inseminate 2-3 times in the 2 days before you actually ovulate (just before or the day you get your LH spike) and that gives you the absolute best chance of conceiving. You’re right in that it gets harder as you get older, but that’s true for absolutely everyone.

I think what I’m trying to say is that yes, it can be a bit harder to get upduffed when you have PCOS but your diagnosis absolutely does not mean you’re infertile or that you will miss your chance if you don’t have a baby right this minute. I TOTALLY understand the fear though by the way, it’s overwhelming. Just don’t choose to get pregnant in the way you are if you’re only doing because you’re worried about the future, because the chances are like 70% of women with PCOS, you’ll be perfectly capable of conceiving naturally well into your 30’s and beyond.

As for your sister, you’re massively over thinking this. You don’t need to tell anyone what you’re planning if you do decide to go ahead, you could even tell folks it was a one night stand and you got lucky, how a baby is made is literally no ones concern but yours.

Is this a kind of reverse where you'd rather she didn't steal your thunder but realising it's unreasonable to ask her to defer conceiving, are approaching it this way in the hope she might get the hint?

ALSO I forgot to mention, every time I’ve become pregnant, I’ve been on a low carb diet. This is important because if you have PCOS, you’re probably also insulin resistant.

Insulin resistance is really important to learn about, because basically it means your body totally over reacts to carbs and produces too much insulin, causing you to store more of it as fat than you should and also the extra insulin totally buggers up your reproductive hormones. There’s some great research that suggests PCOS is actually a secondary condition to IR, but it’s still a bit chicken and egg in terms of which comes first. Usually, 3 weeks after starting a low carb diet I’ll ovulate. It’s like clockwork. In fact, if I haven’t ovulated in more than 6 weeks I drop myself on to a low carb, high fat diet to kick start it again and it works every time.

I researched a hell of a lot when I was diagnosed so I now absolutely know more about it all than my GP does. They’ll give you a high carb, low fat diet sheet which is literally the worst thing you can eat with PCOS. It sounds totally crackers, but if you’re interested in the science behind it, drop me a message and I can point you at the studies/ research papers/ books/ lectures that explain it all a lot better than I can.

Does your family have some sort of strict one baby per year rule? If not, you're massively overthinking this.

is your sister really that nasty? What's wrong with you having a baby at the same time? Also it is extremely unlikely you will both be pregnant and have a baby born on the exact same days. Each baby will be special. I think you're overthinking this op. Or if she is that awful, why care?

Wow so many replies wasn't expecting that at all, hopefully I'll answer a bit of everyone's in this reply....
1-So my sister is absolutely lovely although we are not as close as I would like we have a great bond and can joke about and talk properly like most sisters do, my reason behind the letter thought was purely to ease my conscious, I'm sure she will love it I can wait to give her a gift that will announce that she's going to be an auntie, but i think I'm just nervous for how she's going to react, 99.9% of me thinks she will be fine and excited but it's that last but that's nervous 😬
2- so the donor route has been in my head for quite a while anyway it was always going to be more of an option for me, I can't explain properly hopefully some of you will understand what I mean, parts of me wants to do this on my own as a single mum I realise not easy it's the route I have always wanted to do, I'm not a lesbian, I'm just not bothered at all by any sexual thoughts with other men....?
It's been in my head for the last 6-7 yrs to go to a donor when I'm ready and I've been ready for the last 5 yrs properly.
3- I realise everyone with pcos is different, I've looked up a lot of things online lots of women are different but with this being in my head for so long I am ready now to the point that I think even without this diagnosis I still probably wood be thinking about it.
4- I don't feel my sister would be stealing my thunder at all or me vice versa I suppose I just needed to know from other people/sisters etc that she would be as happy for me as I'll be for her.
I think I have answered most peoples points??? Xx

I suppose I just needed to know from other people/sisters etc that she would be as happy for me as I'll be for her.

No one can possibly answer that for you. How your sister feels about anything is beyond your control and irrelevant, anyway. Her opinion on this matter should not be influencing your decisions.

If you were my sister my concern would be solely about you choosing to use an unofficial donor. You say you're asexual essentially - so not interested in ever having a sexual or romantic relationship? That explains the donor route but not why you're using someone you've been talking to (on the internet?) rather than a proper clinic.

If you go the donor route please use a proper clinic where donors are screened and regulated. Otherwise you've no way of knowing this guy hasn't donated sperm to hundreds or thousands of women, and your child could grow up to marry his or her half brother or sister without knowing (in addition to health screening and traceability at age 18 for your child, who deserves to know who their father is). Someone you've contacted on the internet can tell you anything, but their motivation is questionable and a proper clinic will be much more secure.

I did think this, I doubt she'll be bothered/worried as such at not using a clinic, I was a bit sceptical to do the same but I think after talking to this guy for so long I prefer now that I know him, he can also tell me if anything pops up in his future with illnesses or in any future kids if he decides to have any at any point (you never know) I'm only going to know when I talk to her.
Just got to get the courage to broach the subject 😬

If you are in the UK, sperm and egg donors agree to remain contactable by a child conceived as a result of their donation. Specific medical information can also be accessed by any resulting children. Although it's not a guarantee, it is a much more reliable way of ensuring that your child has access to this information in the future. This man you know could disappear at any point, leaving you and any child you might have with no information whatsoever. Also, if you are not using a clinic, are you intending to go down the route of self insemination? Apologies for the intimate questioning but official donors are screened for myriad diseases, genetic health conditions and so on. Now of course, this is rarely the case for couples who conceive without any assistance, but I would urge you not to forgo that additional piece of mind in these circumstances.

Peace not piece