Loneliness during pregnancy.. 28 weeks

[Asianchick6693]

I'm really struggling. I have a history of depression and anxiety and I'm not sure if it's creeping back. I have good days and bad days. Lately this loneliness has been killing me. I moved to my husband's town last October and got pregnant in March.

I have no friends here. My only means of human interaction is going to work. I had to restart my whole life when I moved here and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety in January. Came off the anti depressants in March because doctor said the less medication I am on the better. It felt quite judgemental and it felt like he really didn't assess whether I needed them or not? I just wanted to do everything right by my baby.

For most part my mood has been okay this pregnancy but lately I just can't help but feel trapped in my own house. I have no reason to stay indoors but yet not motivation to get out. No idea how to meet people. When my husband is home I am fine with his company but I respect he has a life. When he's home he has me, otherwise he has his friends. When he's not home I just feel empty and alone and the silence kills me because all I can hear is my negative thoughts. I don't know what to do? I'm scared of it getting worse and coming back to haunt me when the baby is here.

Before I moved here I had a big family and was very close to my siblings and not a moment in my day went by where I felt alone. I just don't know how to combat this.. I feel really sad right now. Sorry for the long post.

Hey @Asianchick6693 I‘m sure other people will have better advice but just wanted to say hi and you are never alone!
I don‘t have first hand experience of depression, but close friends with it. Coming off medicine quickly doesn‘t sound like a great idea. Find a new doctor? Speak to your midwife?
As for loneliness, you need to do something now before you feel worse: join a yoga class, even if it‘s online, go to an aquafit class, set a time for a regular video call with your family. Tell someone how you feel. Plenty of people care about you and they will want to look after you.

@Asianchick6693 I dont neccaserialy have any advice but just wanted to say that I can relate. I moved 2 hours away from my hometown when I met my now husband and feel very isolated here. I have made 1 or 2 friends but feel like I am bothering them a lot as they have their own lives. Being in my third trimester, I'm isolating too (and have been since March) so I feel like I've not interacted with people outside of my household in a long time. I miss my family and friends back home.

Had I fallen pregnant at a different time, it was one of the reasons that I was really keen to do NCT, I hoped it would help me make local friends and mum friends that I could do stuff with during my maternity leave but that hasn't worked out. Partly because the area we live in doesnt have a local NCT, I would have to travel around half an hour to one. Ordinarily not an issue but seen as we wont be meeting face to face, I feel it will be difficult to maintain virtual friendships at this distance. Would NCT or something similar be an option for you?

@Sunshinedahlia @Pinktruffle thank you for your replies. I want to be able to have the courage to do these things but I feel like I've got no confidence. A lot of the online ones require you to use Zoom etc and I am ridiculously camera shy especially since being pregnant havent taken a single photo etc. I so prefer meeting in person but obviously with covid-19 it's all been rubbish. My family live 260 miles away and any friends I've made here, its the same they're all busy with their kids and family lives. I don't wish to pester them, also we have a local lockdown now which sucks even more. I would have much rather preferred attending antenatal classes in person, would have been a great chance to meet other mothers in the same boat as me. I guess times are just rubbish. I do also struggle going to the doctors about my mental health, last time I went, by the time I was referred for therapy and actually worked my way through the waiting list, I felt like I didn't need it! Such a shame because it's like im going to have to go through that process all over again and it's so exhausting. I just feel like with mental health, no one truly understands and you never get the help you need when you need it! Medications only mask everything and sometimes make me worse which is why I'm scared to go back on them.

Are you able to afford private therapy? I know it is expensive but it'd be well worth it if it's able to make you feel in a better frame of mind. I know sometimes they offer reduced rates for people who can't pay the full amount so always worth asking. In any case, I wouldn't be put off trying to go via the doctor or midwife even if you've had problems in the past with delays - given you're pregnant they may fast track the process.

You could also try Tommy's midwives. They have an email service going during Covid-19 where they can provide help and resources for people struggling with wellbeing during pregnancy.

Anyway, I completely empathise with your situation. My family lives in another country with very significant barriers to entry and exit due to Covid-19 and I don't have any idea when I'm going to next see them or even if I'll see my elderly grandfather again. I hope you're able to find some resources or activities to help you build up at least one or two people to support you in your local area - could you try and organise to socialise with your husband's friends from time to time?

Are you in the West Midlands by any chance @Asianchick6693 as ny area has just gone in to lockdown too and that's where I live. I know getting motivation to do things is really hard, especially when you are feeling down/negative but making that first step is so important, it will be the key to feeling better.

When I've gotten support with my mental health in the past and wanted to get the message through to my GP and counsellor, I found writing it down in a letter and giving the letter to them helped. I was able to articulate how I felt without the embarrassment or stage fright of talking to them face to face. I would suggest maybe trying this approach with your midwife next time you see her so you can tell her how you are feeling and she should be able to refer you to a support service. In my area there is a service called Esteem which is specifically for mums/expectant mums and referrals to them for counselling are often faster than the regular counselling services.

I'm hoping if things are a little more normal post Covid, baby and I can go to some baby/toddler classes and I can meet people that way, might be an idea for you too?

@Tasje I wish I could afford it but money is a bit tight atm. Thank you for your advice, it's not nice is it being away from family. Hopefully not for much longer, although it's very unpredictable atm.

@Pinktruffle I'm in Bolton lol the worst area for it atm! Thank you that does sound really helpful, I'm seeing my midwife on Tuesday so it may be the best time for me to start mentioning it finally.

Baby toddler classes sound great, I just want something interactive and in person it makes it feel so much more real and I really find it's the best way I make friends, just unfortunately I feel like I haven't had the chance. I've met my husband's friends a couple of times and they're honestly so lovely but just in need of my own I think!

I can empathise with that @Asianchick6693. My husband has introduced me to some of his friends and their wives who are lovely, but I feel they talk to me out of obligation rather then genuine 'she seems like my kind of person and I want to be friends with her', they are lovely though, I just need my own friends.

I think baby and toddler groups will be great, even if we are not post Covid by then, I think I will for more confident in going out as baby will be in my hands rather than my belly and I will feel I can do more to protect it. I know that probably sounds silly but I know what I mean!

Definitely talk to your midwife and get some more support, hopefully things will get easier soon. Best of luck!