How do you cope with pregnancy jealously?

[FluffyKittensinabasket]

One of my best friends has recently been diagnosed with ovarian cysts and severe endometriosis. She is also (unhappily) single.

She knows I’m pregnant but hasn’t congratulated me or asked about it. I’m trying to be sensitive and I haven’t said anything else to her as I’m guessing she is feeling pretty crap.

Do I just carry on for the rest of my pregnancy not mentioning it? It’s going to be weird seeing her when I have a big bump and we don’t mention it!

I have my first scan tomorrow and it’s kind of sad I can’t tell my best friend about it.

Having been that friend, I would say not to bring up the topic of pregnancy with that friend unless she does. It's really difficult and painful dealing with friends' pregnancies when you are struggling with infertility. Your friend clearly doesn't want to talk about it, so I'd respect her wishes. I'm sure you have other people you can talk pregnancy with, and sometimes it's good to talk about something non-pregnancy related with someone too!

Just to add, it depends slightly how she knows how are pregnant - if she has only heard via someone else, it might be worth telling her yourself so she doesn't feel like you are excluding her from the news or keeping it from her. I'd keep it short and sweet and tell her via text so she doesn't have to respond in real time.

My best friend of 20+ years pretty much
disappeared when I announced my pregnancy. She wanted to be pregnant (and married) and hadn't fallen pregnant after a year of half hearted "trying" (they don't live together and had sex every couple of months), and her OH was showing no signs of proposing. She was convinced there was something wrong with her as she hadn't conceived yet. It was a really hard time for her, and I tried my best to be sympathetic... I found it so difficult though as she didn't show any happiness for me, and was very clear she was angry and jealous. I tried not to rub it in her face and be sensitive. But by the end of pregnancy I was fed up of doing all the contacting first etc, and angry that after all those years of friendship she couldn't be a tiny bit pleased or interested in me having my first baby, and I let the friendship drop away. I'm sad about it now as I know it must have been really hard for her, but I also feel sad that I didn't get what I expected from my best friend at such an important milestone in my life. I am interested in the advice you receive as I found it a really impossible situation.

When you say 'she knows you're pregnant' - how? It doesn't sound like you've directly told her? I wouldn't mention a pregnancy that I hadn't been actively told about, especially if the woman was still in the first trimester (which I guess you are if you have your first scan tomorrow?), so she may just be waiting for you to say something.

I told her by text a few weeks ago.

One of best friends has also acted strange once I announced my pregnancy. It really did my break my heart. She's become so distant with me and never asks how the pregnancy is going. I don't know what to say except I know how it feels ❤️ Starting this new chapter, we have to surround ourselves with people who are accepting of us and our unborn child. I guess it's better to see this now than later! I've left the friendship door open but something like this isn't easy to forget. I know if she was pregnant and I wasn't - I still would've been there for her. It definitely sucks!

I was your friend in this situation, I all but ghosted my best friend when she was pregnant. Although I'm not proud it's difficult for people who have not suffered infertility to understand just how hard it is. I'd cry my eyes out whenever I got a text from her and I was also really angry with her, like insanely furious. I knew it wasn't fair but couldn't help it.

Fortunately she's an amazing person, she gave me time and space and after a year or two of loose contact we picked things up and are really close again. I'll always be really grateful for her being so understanding.

Long friendships go through seasons and she may not be able to be the friend you need right now. Focus on other friendships but keep the lines of communication open and hopefully you will find each other again further down the line.

Having been the friend, it truly sucks. I didn't really talk to her about it and I think she understood. Seeing her getting bigger was worse because she would come into a room and everyone would say how lovely and glowing she was and I would smile and try to join in but I wanted to just leave. And I felt like the worst friend in the world.

Try not to expect too much from her but don't pretend like you're not pregnant, it'll become the elephant in the room

I wholeheartedly second what @MissHoney85 said

Did she just not reply to the text at all? Sorry, OP, that is hard and I think you're fully justified in being upset. I've been on both sides of this - really struggled to be pleased about SIL's pregnancy as I was going through recurrent miscarriage, then had a successful pregnancy that a really close friend who was going through IVF never acknowledged - and while it is much nicer to be the pregnant one than the jealous one it doesn't mean it isn't hurtful. For what it's worth in both those scenarios the situation completely resolved as soon as it was a baby not a pregnancy: I utterly adore my nephew and my friend made a huge fuss of DS. I chose to simply not press the issue with my friend but then I think it was a lot easier because I did understand how she felt and I knew that it wasn't at all about me.

I can see this from both sides. Are you the same age? How often do you see each other?

In my early 20's I had an older work friend who has gynae issues, an MC and infertility issues. At the time, I was young, single and didnt realise the impact and issues these can cause. On the phone, asking about her gynae issues was the last thing i'd even think about TBH. The next time I saw her, she was clearly very pregnant. I obvioulsy asked about the pregnancy, congratulated her etc etc. Did you get a reply from the text you sent? Maybe seeing you physically pregnant might have more of an impact on your friend?

On you the phone, you could always casualy mention the scan etc and see what is said? I'd only do that though, after asking about her own health. She might be in a dark place with covid, fertility issues and being single?

Congratulations on your pregnancy! Dealing with infertility is really hard, other people's pregnancies are very upsetting. Your friend probably has to think about plan B, what if she never gets pregnant, she might had miscarriages that she wouldn't talk about. She would not be the best support for you right now. I'd find other people to share pregnancy with you.

I told my best friend in person, straight up and I told her I understood It would be hard, she’d been trying ivf and all sorts for years and it had really worn her and her marriage down. She was amazing, the first person to buy my baby a gift, brought an incredible basket of goodies when he was born, just the best godmother imaginable. It helps to address it, let your friend know you know it’s got to be tough for her and you love her and can give her whatever space she needs and how much you value her and honour the role you want her to have in your baby’s life.

I think I'd maybe mention the scan in a text first, then try talking about it with her. I say that because while I was struggling with infertility I had a friend I'd not seen for ages come to my house about 8 months pregnant, then not mention the pregnancy until they were about to leave. I couldn't believe she'd not told us, I felt completely ambushed and couldn't acknowledge it because I would have burst into tears. I think if they'd told us before they came I could have prepared myself mentally and it wouldn't have been so hard.

Having said that with a closer friend who knew about the infertility issues I found things a lot easier to cope with. Make sure you ask her how she is and give her space in case she wants to talk about how she feels.

After a miscarriage earlier this year I found it very hard to be around pregnant friends and especially to talk about their pregnancies. I admit that I dealt with it mostly by outright avoiding people which was easier to do because of the pandemic as well. But I think unless you’ve been in a similar position you can’t understand the emotional effort of being “normal” when you’re going through a tough time. A close friend texted to tell me she was pregnant, I texted back my congratulations and then spent about 3 days in tears about it.

As others have said, perhaps accept this friend isn’t the one to be there for you right now, and find others who can share your joy, hope that in future she might be able to as well.