Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Pregnant with large age gap, can anyone offer any reassurance?

22 replies

Myheadsfullofjam · 30/08/2020 10:13

Hi,
I have two children from my previous marriage who are 7 and 8. I recently found out that I am pregnant with my new partner (who is wonderful). I am already feeling more poorly than I remember in my previous pregnancies and I am suddenly feeling so anxious about everything. It's been a shock as I was very chilled in my previous pregnancies. there are only 14 months between my DC and I was on my own from when my youngest was 1 but I seem to be more worried this time. I'm scared about my health and that I won't be able to cope with the tiredness and that it will be hard with an 8 and 9 year age gap. I am so emotional! I'm not sure exactly why I'm posting.... just hoping that others may have been in a similar situation and can provide some reassurance I guess....

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
JustFrigginNameChange · 30/08/2020 10:16

I am 28 weeks pregnant, with a similar-ish age gap (daughter will be 6 when this one is born) no advice but I can sympathise with you!

Limeavocado · 30/08/2020 11:00

Mine have a 9 year age gap, with the elder now 16. I don't regret it one bit but be prepared to be busy if you're fitting in activities for both age ranges once the littlest one is active! That's the only drawback really, that because both my husband and I work long hours, that weekends in the first few years have been a bit full on with us often taking a DC off to do what interests them, ie sports, birthday parties etc. A small price to pay though for what is a wonderful sibling (and parent) experience, with them each enriching each others lives greatly.

Also, my eldest has been independent socially now for a while so often just needs a chauffeur, which means just as the social/other activities for my youngest were ramping up (pre-lockdown) we had more time for that, if that makes sense.

We also do much as a family all together, including walks, holidays, day trips etc, and everyone (mostly!) has a lovely fun time.

Biggest tip I can give you is to be mindful of boundaries, ie when the elder ones have friends over, to make sure your youngest isn't affecting their enjoyment of that. That's the only really big thing that I think can build resentment, I was clear right from the start that youngest DC needed to give the eldest some 'grown up' time and although that was hard work at the start, she's amazing now at understanding when it's time to leave them to it. That emphasis on respecting others needs has been invaluable and I focused on that because I witnessed other parents always insisting the younger one should be allowed to join in, building resentment from the older sibling and their friends.

Sorry for long post, but definitely don't be nervous about the age gap, sending you lots of goodwill for what will be a wonderful new era in everyone's lives!

Myheadsfullofjam · 30/08/2020 11:03

@Limeavocado thanks so much for the response. Great advice, both my two can sometimes feel quite resentful when they go to their dads because they have a young half brother there and often feel that they have to do 'baby stuff' so I will certainly be mindful of that.
Can I ask, did you struggle 'going back to the beginning'? The baby years seem so long ago for me and are such a blur! Thanks again

OP posts:
Myheadsfullofjam · 30/08/2020 11:04

Thanks @JustFrigginNameChange it's a daunting time and I'm sure that hormones aren't helping! Wishing you luck and happiness x

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 30/08/2020 11:07

One of my best friends had an 8 year gap between her dc and it was far more harmonious than most of the two and a half year typical gaps I know, including mine. Her sons have always been really close. The elder was different enough not to be jealous, and the younger absolutely adored his big brother.
I have two adult friends with half-brothers who ten to fifteen years older and they are all very close. I think bigger gaps often work really well.

Baaaahhhhh · 30/08/2020 11:10

I love big age gaps, 13 years between myself and the youngest of my older brothers. I used to call them all Dad when I was little, as they were 13, 17 and 18. Also spent a lot of time staying with them and their partners in their homes. I was very grown up.

I have also got two DD's with a 6 year gap. Absolutely fab. Eldest loved looking after youngest. When slightly older gave eldest and her mates an excuse to play with toys they would have shunned if there had been no excuse to play with them. Youngest also became very mature as able to play with much older children in a sensible and creative way. Now they are late teens early twenties, they go out together, and youngest stays in eldest's flat. They are very close.

Yes to pp's post about needing "me" time though. The eldest has to be allowed to have her own friends, in her own room, without younger sister interferring, also we did have a short amount of time of eldest resenting youngest for wanting/taking her things, and getting things much younger than the eldest had..... but that kind of goes with the territory, and is probably much the same with a shorter age gap too.

Bertyb7 · 30/08/2020 11:43

I was 12 when my brother was born, and my sister 9. It was wonderful! We used to help mum but now that we are both adults I don't really see the age gap and he is a friend ☺️

kkr168 · 30/08/2020 12:11

I'm 27 weeks pregnant with my 2nd baby, my 1st baby is 17 years old, so we have a huge age gap!! My husband has 2 children from a previous relationship too, they are 22 & 19, they are all so excited.
The midwifes have so far assumed they are by different fathers due to the huge age gap but they aren't. My stepsons have always lived with us full time, so having 3 kids under 5 at one time, I really didn't want another child. Now they've all grown we miss having a little one around, my main concern is that we don't end up with a spoilt child with so many big brothers wanting to spoil him.

qwertypie · 30/08/2020 12:15

I have a brother who is nearly 10 years younger than me. Because of the age gap, I was able to offer my mum a bit of help with him that she wouldn't have had otherwise, and he and I had a nice relationship growing up, without the kind of competition that might come with siblings who are closer in age.

Limeavocado · 30/08/2020 12:25

@Myheadsfullofjam funny you ask that, ie about going back to the baby years - in a weird way everything felt so much more natural than with my eldest, even though it was so long ago. And yet on the other hand there were so many things I'd forgotten, such as weaning etc. I was always looking things up on my phone to check as I couldn't remember what the appropriate stage was for doing something.

I think it's perhaps a little harder because you don't necessarily have that group of mums you may have met in antenatal classes for the first DC, but on the other hand my friends who had had babies a while ago were amazing for supporting me during trips out, meals together etc so that I wasn't overwhelmed and could still socialise a little, both for the eldest one's sake and for mine! DH too got used to us being 'always on' quickly which helped.

The only part I found really hard was when my youngest was a toddler and there would be times I had to attend things for my eldest when my DH was working away ie sports day, school plays, parents afternoon, parents assemblies, playdates where the mums stayed but I didn't know the host that well etc etc Those times were stressful as I had forgotten how quickly toddlers move and how noisy they can sometimes be.

I ended spending lots of those right at the back of a school hall with a magnitude of crayons, paper and raisins to try to keep the youngest quiet!

Definitely enjoyed new motherhood more 9 years down the line - I found being a new mum pretty hard and stressful with my first DC, worried the whole time about everything. With the youngest DC it all felt vaguely familiar but without so much angst because I'd matured so much as a person and seen that I hadn't, in fact, done an absolutely terrible job with my first Grin

I feel my 2nd DC benefitted so much from that huge gap with me being a wiser, more chilled out parent than I ever was for the 1st DC. I just felt like I knew more about life and happiness generally!

PumpkinsandAutumnLeaves · 30/08/2020 12:30

There's a 22 year gap between me and my eldest brother, with 5 more children in between. My mum managed somehow Grin it'll be fine op

ramblingsonthego · 30/08/2020 12:36

19 years between my two. I was shattered and a lot more anxious during my 2nd pregnancy. They have more of an aunt/niece relationship as my eldest no longer lives at home.

LittleBrownBaby · 30/08/2020 19:33

I am in a similar situation. I have two DDs 9 and 7 and I am 9 weeks pregnant with my "new" partner. It's pretty scary. I was pregnant a decade ago at 25 and now again at 35! I feel a lot older! Overall though, I just can't wait. Good luck

Maybe3ornot · 30/08/2020 19:43

Glad it’s not just me. I am 9weeks pregnant with my partners baby. My two older children will be 14 and 11 when DC is born. Not sure how they are going to react. Definitely feel a lot more tired with this pregnancy then with my previous two, but I am 38 now and was 24 and 27 with my other two.

flapjackfairy · 30/08/2020 19:47

It will be fine. I have 5 children ranging from 30 to 6 . There was a 9 yr gap between the second and third ( both girls ) . They are the best of friends ( aged 20 and nearly 29 ) and have always been close. It will be fine . Congratukations

Lollypopsun · 30/08/2020 20:58

My oldest is 12 years old and I have a 7 month old. The oldest is so helpful and adores DC2. The big age gap has worked out lovely.

Inkpaperstars · 31/08/2020 01:31

I don't have a similar experience but I do have two friends who had large age with their siblings and they got on brilliantly, great relationships.

Inkpaperstars · 31/08/2020 01:32

Large age gap, obviously

gluteustothemaximus · 31/08/2020 01:50

Got and 8 year gap and a 5 year gap. You'll be fine.

Your elder two are going to adore this new baby x

happymummy12345 · 31/08/2020 01:52

My mum had all her children 10 years apart. There's 10 years between my brother and I, 10 years between my brother and sister, and 20 years between my sister and I.
It worked for her.
Personally we won't be having another until our first is settled at school. He's starting in September so will be a few years yet

Lulubon · 31/08/2020 07:02

If it helps there is 12 years between my and my sister and we have a really good relationship. She’s in school still... she loves to come to mine and my partners house and have sleepovers.
In many ways I think the age gap is a good thing (no sibling rivalry, both had one to one attention) I wouldn’t worry at all 😘

EssieMay · 31/08/2020 07:49

Im 36 on my second pregnancy and my DS turns 17 next month 😂 This pregnancy is harder but very much wanted (my partner has no children) Dont worry about age gaps as long as the new addition is wanted and loved nothing else matters.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.