So I have been married for 11 years. One year into the marriage we decided to try for a baby. It took us over a year to concieve our daughter, and I went through a lot of stress and terrible fear I wasn't going to be able to be a mother. Anyway my beautiful daughter was born through a very traumatic birth during which I lost most of my blood and nearly died. Luckily for me a doctor was present and she saved my life. This was followed by a very long year of anxiety and PND and we both decided that we wouldn't have anymore babies and that our lovely little family was enough.
5 years later though I got pregnant by accident (was on the pill). I didn't find out until I was nearly 3 months and started my morning sickness. At first I was horrified but my husband was very happy and positive and a few days later I was too. Unfortunately I lost the baby at 17 weeks due to a chromosomal abnormality, something so painful I still grieve about. I decided to take some time and then try again. Two years later I got pregnant again and again I lost the baby at 11 weeks. The grief was unimaginable and the need to have another baby overwhelming. I wanted to be a mum again more than anything I've ever wanted. Only a couple of months later I got pregnant again and I had my gorgeous rainbow baby 9 months ago. She made our family and our hearts complete and my older daughter absolutely adores her. Im due to go back to working full time in two months and my mum in law is helping with the girls(I can't afford to be home-which is another reason I wanted only one baby at first).
So today I found out Im pregnant again!!!
I absolutely don't want another baby since I can't physically or financially deal with 3 children. I feel guilty as hell having to leave my girls with my MIL, especially the baby (I was able to work 2 days a week only until my first daughter went to nursery but now I can't afford it anymore), and now throwing another baby into the mix?? I can't cope. I haven't told my MIL, I don't even know if she ll help. I can't even think about our finances and I absolutely don't want to stay home and get help. I love working and I feel so cheated. I also cannot help but feel ungrateful for feeling like this, especially after what I went through to have my girls. Normally I would have considered termination but after my miscarriages I won't even dream about it. I feel stuck. My husband is positive and happy as always and I feel like wanting to strangle him for doing this to me! Im ashamed to tell anybody and Im dreading telling my boss. Ive only been there 2 months before getting pregnant and anyone will view me as a baby maker rather than the professional person I actually am.
What am I going to do?