Overbearing advice

[Daisysandviolets]

Anyone else sick of parents and people giving patronising advice? I'm 36 weeks and a FTM and feel like I get judged for everything I say.

In particular my step mum is adamant that the baby will be in its own room by six weeks! Well the lullaby trust say six months as do midwives and health visitors so I'll be going with them!

Also telling me I need to breastfeed and formul feed, I've tried not to put any pressure on this, I want to breastfeed and will give it a good go and do things what I'm comfortable with!

Then it's like I said your not meant to have a new born baby in the car seat for more than two hours at a time and I just got laughed at and made to feel stupid.

I said I was considering a water birth not getting my hopes up as I know it can change but wouldn't mind one and made to feel stupid suggesting it saying it will be messy and disgusting!

Just feeling really stressed and like when baby is here I'm going to get bullied into or made to feel stupid if I don't do things their way of thinking!

Not much point to this post but just wondered if anyone else is sick of people thinking because they have had one child 16 years ago they know everything!

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Haha the advice never goes away, but you do learn a kind of way of going “hmmm OK”

Honestly it’s best to do what you want from the outset, because if not, they think they’ll get a day in everything you do and you’ll also regret not doing it your way.

Please feel free to come join us over on the End September babies thread

Agree that the advice doesn't stop - we've just potty trained our eldest and honestly the opinions!

Yeah a "mmmm ok" or "I think the guidance has changed since you last had a baby" with a head tilt usually suffices.

Congratulations.

I recognise that too. I suggest one of two things. Either buy yourself some t-shirts that say "If I need any advice I will ask for it, thanks!"

Or adopt a standard policy of nod, smile sweetly and then completely ignore all the interfering rubbish that comes out of other people's mouths. This is YOUR baby, you have final say

Either smile and nod, or set the tone and tell them that unsolicited advice/opinions aren't needed or wanted. I didn't put my foot down with all this until ds was about 8mo. Wish I'd done it sooner.

Completely agree with everything others have already said.. I have had to grow a back bone this time round with my first it was exactly the same and although I did the smile and nod thing i started to piss myself off for not saying something.
I'm pregnant again now and have had to lay down some ground rules, I'm 22 week and it's took until I was just after 20 to say something but I ended up doing a group chat message to my parents/step parents/partners parents telling them that thanks but I'm ok, I've managed to keep my current child alive and well for 18 months now and seem to be doing just fine. And if I'm struggling I'll ask for help.
I've had some help from everyone due to not being able to work so my income has dropped a lot and I just said I'm great full for all the help but if it means I have to accept all the unwanted advice/comments then I'd rather go without help at all. I'm also expecting twins so everyone (even though they have no twin experience) has turned into twin experts obviously 🤦🏼‍♀️.
I keep getting name suggestions/asked if we have any and after my Mum said my first boys name sounded like a dogs name when I told them I said I won't be sharing any names with anyone until they have arrived this time.
I'm sad to say it won't get any better when the baby is here either, I know people are looking out and care but the ' how are you feeling?' 'Have you got the baby blues?' They're very normal you know comments and questions were annoying, if I need professional help because I feel like I'm slipping into PND I'll ask the correct people thanks 🤦🏼‍♀️ I'm not a complete retard and know myself without patronising comments!
Congratulations and the rest of your pregnancy, you've done really well so far! I think people forget that like someone else has said guidance changes and 'that's not what we did in my day' comments are annoying as hell! Your baby your choice lovely xx

Incidentally, people's presumption they have the right to interfere goes on and on.

An acquaintance of ds's dad just bought our happy, level-headed 12yo son a self-help book! Which went straight in the bin !

FFS!

Well meaning advice is one thing, but ridiculing you for your plans is not on. Practise saying no. Congratulations, you sound like you'll be a lovely Mum! :)

Thanks for all your replies! Really cheered me up guess I've either just got to say nothing about my thoughts or grow a backbone or it will never end!

I thoroughly recommend growing a back bone. Its quite liberating.

My mil kept telling me you can't possibly bring up children without smacking them - well I'm 3 years in and have managed it so far!! Either smile and nod or pointedly disagree depending on your mood - it's your baby and you'll make the right decisions for your family when you get to them. The same decisions aren't necessarily right for all families!!

Oh lord it never stops! Best thing I found was consistently referring to “up to date advice as per NHS (if you’re U.K.) and world health organisation”. If said parent had an issue ie hernia, biabetes etc they’d go by guidelines and what they were told therefore the most vulnerable being a baby you’re sticking by guidelines and what you are told too!
A lot of grandparents had babies years ago with their own guidance at their time but that has now changed dramatically with up to date research.
But at the end of it all, stick to your guns, it’s your baby and those that spend an hour here and there can’t have a say in you having 24 hours with your baby.
Congratulations and enjoy!
Sticking up for myself was new but when it come to my child it wasn’t an issue after realising the above.

As PP have said, it doesn't go away. I found even when I was blunt and said "thanks but no thanks", people still had opinions.

I would advise a polite "thanks, I'll take it on board"- the people saying it will think you've listened and it doesn't upset the applecart.

The other thing I found very useful was to tell myself "this is MY baby and I know him better than anyone else in the world", especially when I was feeling vulnerable or doubting myself.

Throughout my pregnancy I nodded and said “that’s interesting I’ll bear that in mind”. Once my son was born, I provided food, and told them the expectations (if they were babysitting).
I’ve never been particularly respected by my MIL, but that completely changed once I had a baby. Because things were mine and my partners way. It’s different now he’s older, but I must say I was glad to set the rules early, and I know they were followed.
My son has a brilliant relationship with his grandparents, and my relationship is a 100x better with them xx

Congratulations.

Put your foot down now. It'll only get worse! Trust me 🤣

Car seat is actually 45 Minutes with a new born I was told unless it's changed. Just to make them laugh a little more!

It's your baby and you need to put your foot down. Do your research.

People often say about mixes feeding so they can get in there with baby.
Really it just causes nipple confusion.

My baby was in with us until 8 months. Ignore their words!

My mum has literally said to me today "don't listen to the midwives", I just replied it's hard to balance experience with recommendations, but I'll not be disregarding current medical advice as it is evidence based across thousands of babies.

She was talking about the advice changing from front to back sleeping and it was nonsense as me and my 3 siblings all slept on our fronts. Which was a good one actually as I could say yes that's because they realised it could cause SIDS. That shut her up pretty quickly.

I think people take it personally if the advice changes, as though what they did was bad parenting, but a lot of the time they were following the current advice.

@Daisysandviolets what I found most satisfying (FTM too) was when people tried to give me advice, I said "OK" and did completely what I wanted. Then I got asked why I am not following the precious advice and I said "I think it works better my way". Done.

I still get advice now and then, and to be completely honest I listen to all of it. Some is good, some is rubbish but I am willing to consider the rubbish for the few good pieces I received.