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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Pregnant and found out partner cheated

8 replies

OliR93 · 23/08/2020 18:04

I'm not really sure where to begin :(

I'm 10w 4d pregnant. I've been with my partner for 13 years, since we were teenagers. Recently we decided to start trying and I felt incredibly lucky to fall pregnant on the second try.

Earlier this year, I found out he was in debt to the tune of approx £8,000. For at least a year he's been struggling to get out of bed, had mood swings and generally angry in the morning. I couldn't get him out of bed before 2pm. When I found out about the debts, he said it was due to a gambling addiction and that was causing his depression which made him behave that way. I tried to help, and 3 months later another kick in the teeth came when I found out he owed even more. This was all around April time.

He then said I knew everything, it was out in the open and things seemed good. He was 'normal' again, loving and more energetic. I fell pregnant, then he changed again. I struggled to cope with how he was acting and spoke to one of his family members.

She told me I had been blind, the reason he had lost weight, had a constant runny nose and mood swings was because he's addicted to cocaine. I was horrified. I've never touched the stuff in my life and I couldn't believe I had been stupid enough to live with him and not know.

As I'm pregnant, and he agreed to sign up for counselling and basically not go anywhere alone until we gradually get to a 'new normal', I decided we should give the relationship a go. It's been a long time, I love him and I want my baby to have both parents as a family unit.

Today he admitted that he cheated on me. It wasn't really an admission that came lightly, he was basically backed into a corner. He initially said it was 1 girl, a kiss in a club that meant nothing and it was 5 years ago. It changed when I said I didn't believe him, that's ridiculous and that one of our friends had recently told me a different story (she witnessed it). He then said it was actually 3 different girls, on nights out when he was about 19 and he massively regrets it, they meant nothing, it was drunken kisses and he doesn't want to lose me and our baby over this.

I feel like I need to point out that he's funny, loving and now he's stopped what he was doing, we've been so happy recently. I just don't think I can forgive this time though. It was 10 years ago (so he says) and never happened again since.

I don't know if I can forgive him. Should I try? At this point should I just call it a day as there is no trust left? I would really appreciate some advice.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 23/08/2020 18:12

You can't trust him anymore. What will be the next thing to come to light? Prepare to have this baby on your own.

Strawberrycreamsundae · 23/08/2020 18:17

Oh dear OP
So far this year you’ve discovered:

  1. he’s £8k in debt, then even more in debt
  2. Addicted to cocaine
  3. Snogged a number of random girls (bet you anything it’s more than that)
Personally I would run. Fast. He’s definitely not going to be a good father let alone support you.
New2020 · 23/08/2020 18:30

I'd be most worried about his gambling addiction and drug taking...those habits usually lead to other things like cheating as they spiral out of control and are not easy things to overcome. Those two things would he deal breakers for me I wouldn't want that in a partner let alone a father for my children especially as he has been lying about it and you've just happened to uncover it

ladyfarmer · 23/08/2020 18:31

My heart absolutely goes out to you, OP. Life doesn’t always run in straight lines and there is nothing worse than your world falling apart and finding out you’re pregnant. It’s happened to me. I had a termination and we spent several years with him going to psychotherapy to work out why he did the things he did. It’s been a lot of trauma, tears and messiness but we are still together. We so nearly weren’t and he knows that any tiny step out of line and we are done. I’m pregnant again a few years on and whilst I still don’t trust him, I do love him. Not as much as I did, but it’s still there. Feel your pain right now; it’s the worst ever position to be in. Have you got anyone you can talk to? Xxxx

Backtobasics5 · 23/08/2020 18:37

Gosh these are major issues not what you need right now. Who pays the bills? Are they in your name? I would take control of this ASAP.

OliR93 · 23/08/2020 18:45

Thank you everyone.

Right now, I feel so low I can't imagine seeing the next few days but I know that isn't the answer. It's just been a very difficult few months.

I pay the mortgage and bills, everything is in my name. It was just the mortgage but I took over everything when I found out about his overdraft. I can manage on my own financially but maternity leave will be a struggle.

@ladyfarmer it sounds like you've had an awful time of it too. I did tell my mum and my best friend, but now I'm too embarrassed to admit this extra betrayal. I think I'm worried to tell them in case we stay together, I don't want them to judge me or feel sorry for me, which is stupid. It's just that I've cried on their shoulders a lot recently and I can't face it again.

I look at the long list of lies and feel like I've never really known him. It makes me certain I should end it. But I love him so much, we were genuinely happy for a long time but clearly that was all quite one sided and I couldn't see it. We own a house together and with being pregnant, I really didn't want to do it alone.

I guess life doesn't care what we want sometimes and deep down, I know if I read that as someone elses post, I'd say run for the hills.

OP posts:
ladyfarmer · 23/08/2020 18:53

I didn’t tell anyone either, for the exact same reasons as you. It’s not a decision I’ve ever regretted as everyone would have hated him forever. Whilst he deserved that, I didn’t deserve the judgement of everyone else for staying- on top of everything else. I know it feels like getting from one hour to the next is impossible right now, but you WILL make it through. Find someone to go and talk to - a counsellor, the Samaritans- anyone who won’t judge you and will help.

Bekka94 · 24/08/2020 22:28

My heart goes out to you OP I was in the same position as you 8 month ago!! I now live on my own support myself and have 3 week until my babies due.. the reality is he won't change and no matter what you do he will continue to lie to you that's unfortunately what addicts do my ex partner lied to me about doing cocaine and he slept with numerous girls behind my back it's awful but you will be better off being happy on your own than trying to force happiness with someone who has betrayed you cheated on you treat you like an idiot got addicted to cocaine and gambling behind your back you deserve so much more respect than that and the fact he didn't have the bollocks to tell you himself should scream loudly at you to run no matter how hard it is for you being in love with someone sometimes it just isn't enough being pregnant is hard enough without the extra stress of what's your partner doing when hes out is he lying about what hes been doing. For a change put yourself first nobody deserves to be treated like you have the good days do not compensate for the amount of shit hes caused you.

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