I'm not going to be a good mum.

[Kelcat9494]

Hello,

Feeling a bit horrible, I'm 17 weeks pregnant and just know I'm not going to be a good mum.

I'm 25 years old in a decent job earning £22,000 for literally just working on the phones (easy job for decent wage), I'm studying psychology full time and enjoying it - I finished my first year with a 2:1 (as well as working), I live to travel but I am not a domestic goddess, I can't even cook my husband does all the house work and I take care of the bills.

I know I need a reality check and will need to do more things around the house but at the moment I'm genuinely too tired to and I'm just crap at it so once we throw a baby in the mix I'm going to fail even more. I've spoken to DH about all my worries and he says it'll be fine but I don't really think it will, apart from not being a domestic goodness I'm also not very maternal, I grew up an only child, I don't know anything about babies, I have cats and dogs and love them but that's completely different plus they aren't completely dependant on me, yes I feed them and do what I need to do but I can leave them unattended and know they won't die - I'm just very stressed, maybe it's hormones or maybe I'm just shit - idk

I think you will surprise yourself when baby arrives. I'm sure you will be a great mum.

I never felt particularly maternal in the sense that I never went very gooey over babies (my niece was an exception) and I found lots of children bloody irritating. But it was totally different once DD arrived.

Is there anything in particular you are worried about? Feeding? Sleep etc?

Ok well rather than a passive "you'll be fine don't worry" I'm going to say tackle the perceived problem (I say perceived as you sound an intelligent and sensible sort so I'm sure this is pregnancy anxiety)

When you say you can't cook - do you mean not even the simplest level of reheating? Or do you mean more complex recipes? Either way it is possible to learn, if your husband can cook then he can teach you.

Start very simple - I would suggest stir fries with either ready made or very simple "sauces" made using just soy sauce, honey and ginger for example, simple fresh pasta (takes 3 mins) with again either a ready made sauce or a basic tomato sauce (cheats way - Passata, tomato purée, garlic, basil, black pepper) and build up gradually to more complex dishes - actually soup is the easiest thing to make, basically just boil veggies in stock and then blend if you like it that way!

Baby care - I grew up in a large-Ish family so I've been looking after babies since I was about 10! But it's really quite simple. Get some books to read, check out some YouTube videos and get some experience with friends/families babies if you can but the basics are pretty simple - hold them correctly, make sure they're not too warm/cold, feed when hungry, keep em clean.

A lot of it WILL come to you instinctually and as you have pets you clearly have a warmth about you.

You CAN do this but it certainly won't hurt to educate yourself on the details.

Talk to friends and family and I'm sure you will find at least a few that will admit they felt similarly as a pregnant ftm.

My own mum is the eldest of 6, loads of experience with children and babies but she was still anxious about breastfeeding, being alone with baby etc

Totally normal

Here’s the thing - there’s no specific criteria to be a ‘good mum’. A lot of us are just winging it, and the fact you’re worrying about it means you’ll be a good mum!

You don’t need to be a domestic goddess, nor know exactly what to do. All fed nobody dead (learnt that on here) was my goal when my DTs were newborns every day still and it has really helped me to calm down the pressure I put on myself to be “perfect”.

I wouldn’t say I was maternal before I had kids. I hated pregnancy, had prenatal depression and felt that I’d be a disastrous mother and then had postnatal depression. I’m now on ads, and whilst I wouldn’t toot my own horn and claim to be a perfect mother, I know that my babies think I’m perfect and I’m a good enough mum.

Is there any particular thing you’re worried about, or just overwhelmed about everything?

I know how you feel, I'm 37 and expecting my first and if course scared about being a good mum. I've not had much experience with babies, worried about learning how to do everything with no one there to tell me if I'm doing it right or not. But then I think it'll be loved and cared for and hoping everything else will fall in to place. It's normal to be nervous of such a big life change but we're always adapting to new situations and life stages. Give yourself some credit, if you didn't care you wouldn't be worried 🙂

You will be a “good mum”!
(You will be good enough at some parts & great at other parts!)

38 and never changed a nappy. Like you, convinced I’m going to be awful. My animals are my world. My only reassurance is that if I can look after animals and make sure their needs are always met then I’m probably capable of keeping a baby alive.

Sounds to me like you’ll be awesome :)

The reason I say that, is that questioning this stuff now is a good idea.

There is no one formula for being a good parent. The bullshit adverts of the 1950’s still seem to linger in the National psyche, but there are tons of wonderful examples of women doing it another way, very successfully.

Have you heard of Helena Morrisey? Author of ‘a good time to be a girl’. She’s a mum of NINE kids, CEO of a huge finance company, & the family breadwinner. Her husband is the stay at home dad. All the children seem healthy and happy!

Personally, I think it’s important to stay true to yourself and look after your own needs as well as your kids. If you want to work, either your DH can do the bulk of the domestic load or you can pay someone to clean/do the laundry etc!

Kids need 1.love and 2.security. A good diet of veg and not too much sugar. A good bedtime routine. To be listened to, and given responsibilities.

They don’t need to have the Great British bake off winner as a mum!!

Keep talking to your lovely DP. It’s a shared journey and it’s awesome figuring it out together.

Best of luck xx

All you have to do to be a good mum is make decisions in the child’s best interest rather than putting yourself first. If you plan to do that you’ll be fine.
Your kids get attached to you very quickly and you influence one another, and then you’re the best mother they could have, because they’ll only ever want you.
Who cares if you cook? Nobody cares if new dads can cook. You can learn if you want to.

I know how you feel, I cried at about your stage of pregnancy because I thought my baby deserved a mum who knew what she was doing.

I watched YouTube videos about baby care. The Mothercare ones were good and I think they're still up. Instagram has loads of pages with information about baby care that are really helpful, things like clothing layer charts, nap guides etc.

I couldn't cook either but when I was on maternity leave I downloaded bbc good food and started making simple dishes, when I could around the baby. Pick one with four or five stars and you can't go wrong.

The fact that you've even thought this shows how much you care and how much you will try. When you meet your baby, even if you don't have that gush of love straight away, you'll do all you can to make them happy.

@Kelcat9494 Personally, I think the fact that you’re even questioning what you will be like as a mum shows that you WILL be a good mum ☺️ You’re already questioning how you can better yourself to make sure you’re doing what’s best for your baby - that’s what every parent should do.

I’m currently 30 weeks pregnant with our first baby. We have no young children at all on either side of the family....in fact, the younger at is my little cousin who is 15! So DH and I are clueless about the practical side of raising a baby! We’ve enjoyed spending time together sitting watching some Antenatal class type videos - maybe you could give that a go? YouTube has literally THOUSANDS 😊

As for not being a domestic goddess in the kitchen, as long as you can get breastfeed/mix up a bottle of formula or express your milk for the first while, that’s all baby needs from you in that respect 😊 Ask DH to show you how to make some basic meals, or again - YouTube!, it’s crazy how much is on there 😊 any other household things like washing and cleaning can be learned easily 😊

Someone once said to me “you learn... fast!” It’s different when it’s your own child, you’ll likely find maternal instincts you never knew existed. It’s a steep learning curve but you’ll be fine, you really will. You don’t have to be Martha Stewart to be a good mum!